DSD overweight. Mum can't see it

[Flamingogirl08]

OK I'm preparing to be flamed because I'm just the Stepmum but I love DSD dearly and this situation is so frustrating.

She is 11 and clearly overweight. Her mum just refuses to acknowledge it and she gives her crisps and chocolates in her packed lunch everyday. Takeaways nearly every night DSD is with her.

We have her pretty much 50% of the time so we make sure she takes healthy lunches and has nutritious meals. We also make her exercise (long walks, games in the garden etc). But the time she is with her mum this is not kept up. DH has brought this up loads of times but her mum just says oh she's fine, it's only the odd treat etc.

I don't really know what my AIBU is but what should we do next do you think?

Nothing . Keep it all up your end and keep doing well. Leave the mum to it. DSD Will probably have a growth spurt soon anyway.

Just carry on as you are, OP. There's nothing you can do to change her mum's behaviour unfortunately.

Sadly there's nothing that you can do.

Takeaways nearly every night? That's pretty rubbish. Your poor DSD is getting some really mixed messages but at least you have her 50% of the time to balance out the poor diet.

Does DSD ever refuse the healthier food at your house? If not, then I'd say that she isn't likely to be too badly impacted down the line as she hasn't become fussy. You've already spoken to the mum multiple times, what else can you do?

Your DH is just going to have to accept that the mother of his child doesn't have healthy eating habits.

Honestly don't think there's much you can do. My friend had a similar situation with her stepdaughter who is nearly 14 and now very overweight. It's sad but you're very limited as to how you can actually intervene.

No she never refuses our food. I think this is one of the most frustrating things, she enjoys vegetables and fruit. Her dad loves to cook and she loves helping him and eating their creations.

She is not fussy at all so there is just no reason to feed her rubbish.

The takeaway thing is out of control. I'm talking ordering Greggs for breakfast and then kebab for tea with God knows what in between

Yes I think you and PP are correct.

Just try to keep it up our end and hopefully it balances out and she makes better lifestyle choices than her Mum when she is older

We had this; DD hit 13 and looked at how her mum eats and is also overweight and how we eat and started making some of her own decisions and pushed back on her mum about buying snacks like cereal bars over chocolate bars. It’s not fair that she should have had to do this but it’s really hard when the other parent has a bad diet themselves and doenst see an issue in it.

Also I used to say to her if she wanted to take snacks from our house back to her mums then she was welcome to while not making a big deal of it and she did

Poor sweet girl. Thank goodness she has a lovely and sensible Dad and SM looking out for her, even if her mother won't.

What does her dad say? At 11 the girl is getting old enough to be aware of her body so I do think you need to keep out of it. Unless your DSD has come to you about HER weight bothering her.

I think at 11, you can talk to her about the positives of healthy food and exercise, not towards weight but to help mental health and sleep.

Teach her to cook if she’s interested so that when she’s older she has the ability to make her own food.

So difficult. We had this with DSS. His mum is very overweight and has quite disordered eating from what both DSC say and she used to use his weight as a “well we’re just big boned” even though DSD was very slim.

All we could do was model healthy cooking and eating, getting them involved in that, getting them out for walks and on scooters etc. As he’s hit puberty he’s got into sport, shot up massively which helped, takes an interest in nutrition from a health and sport perspective and he’s now a healthy weight and appreciates his strength, stamina, flexibility etc.

It’s really hard, no easy answers.

Would you be able to make a gp appointment - could pretend it's for something else so that dd doesn't feel embarrassed but get the gp to measure her while he's there and then write to mum saying she's overweight and the health dangers?

Or even work her BMI out yourself and tell her mum so its not just your opinion, it's there in black and white.

Only because that was the main thing that shocked me and prompted me to lose weight - I knew I was overweight but just thought I was in "slightly chubby, lose half a stone and I'd be the higher end of normal" territory and it was a huge shock to see I was actually obese.

I know bmi isn't an exact measure particularly for children but it's useful as a guideline. If you can say "look she's already 2 stone heavier than the healthy weight for an adult woman of her height and she's only 11" it might give the mum a bit of a wake up call.

Poor kid. Just give her consistent health and support your end and as she grows up she’ll hopefully realise that it’s so much better to live your way.

I agree this would be the way forward if she was a bit older but at 11 she's mainly going to eat what's in the house or what her mum buys her. At the most op and her dad might be able to influence her eating extra snacks as well as her main meals but if the person you are living with is eating a takeaway pizza it takes a lot of willpower to say "no thanks please can I have a salad/soup/other healthy option" every single meal, even for an adult let alone a child.

Plus that's assuming the mum even gets the healthy option in (if they are having takeaways that often it suggests there isnt much "normal" food in the house) and doesn't have a go at the step daughter for not wanting to eat the same food as her.

You only have to look at threads on here to see how annoyed people get about other adults eating differently to them, let alone the power dynamic between a mother and a child.

Can you expand on 'clearly overweight'?
Has she hit puberty yet?

I’m guessing her mother is overweight too?

Yes she is.

Her Dad is concerned about her health.

She has made some comments about not being able to wear similar clothes to her friends which breaks my heart.

We have a similar issue with diet and lifestyle and my stepchild, although granted they are not overweight but very slim. SC's diet at their mother's revolves around convenience food, take aways. My SC eats McDonald's more than once a week and it's not a happy meal it's been 20 chicken nuggets plus a large quarter pounder meal since they were 6. Donner kebabs, Domino's, Pot Noodles, microwave burgers. It's just complete shit.

Unfortunately no amount of discussion on my husband's part will change this as mum's view is that the child is slim therefore healthy, despite having issues with constipation, and looking exhausted constantly (but the very late nights playing Xbox until he falls asleep whilst there doesn't help that). Plus even the things SC eats at school for lunch are shit options (plain pasta with cheese and gravy on top every day according to SC)

We overcompensate the half a week SC is with us, veg packed meals, everything home cooked, lots of family time where we're out and walking the dogs not revolving everything around eating crap and are lucky he enjoys exercise.

Sorry I meant to end with, all you can do is the moment is keep presenting SD with healthy choices when she's with you and your partner and hope that in time she'll feel comfortable modelling healthy habits herself.

No, as o/p doesn’t have PR so cannot make medical decisions.

it would have to be her dad makes it and takes her.

I am sure mum is aware, just doesn’t want to face it. She won’t appreciate being given it “in black and white” , she’s also likely to find excuses as to why BMI doesn’t apply in her case.

it’s going to be tough as it’s going to have to come from the dc- and when you’re faced with a takeaway it’s hard to say no and choose a healthier option.

Absolutely do not do this. God, some people. Step mum has no authority Making or taking DSD to GP.