DSD overweight. Mum can't see it

[Flamingogirl08]

OK I'm preparing to be flamed because I'm just the Stepmum but I love DSD dearly and this situation is so frustrating.

She is 11 and clearly overweight. Her mum just refuses to acknowledge it and she gives her crisps and chocolates in her packed lunch everyday. Takeaways nearly every night DSD is with her.

We have her pretty much 50% of the time so we make sure she takes healthy lunches and has nutritious meals. We also make her exercise (long walks, games in the garden etc). But the time she is with her mum this is not kept up. DH has brought this up loads of times but her mum just says oh she's fine, it's only the odd treat etc.

I don't really know what my AIBU is but what should we do next do you think?

Do you honestly think an 11yo is oblivious to the fact that being fatter than her friends means that she will look different in a negative way in some clothes?

Perhaps teach her to prepare/cook something really basic that's healthy so she can cook it with her mum

That's not what she meant and you know it. The child obviously can see she does not look the same as her friends and feels uncomfortable. Stop making into something it is not.

Can her dad contact the school and see when yr 6 weigh is and consent. Often parents won’t consent if they know child is overweight so mum may ignore letter.
It’s really hard. There’s another poster in same scenario her child is rapidly gaining weight when she sees dad due to entirely junk food diet and sugary drinks at his house.
I think all you can do is model healthy lifestyle with her. Hopefully she’ll start to want that herself when with mum.

My mum did this to me , with hindsight it was intentional she was keeping me fat so I couldn’t grow up or end up looking better then her ( there was a pattern of her trying to put me down). I had an eating disorder by the age of 13 just be there and be supportive and let her talk about how she feels

Literally nothing the OP has posted points towards her giving her a complex about it.

Would she swap to school meals and dad pay? Would stop the daily packed lunch crisps and choc.

Hang on. She's with you 50% of the time. She has takeaways nearly all the time there. That's like twice a week. I take my kid to McDonald's once a week and she's not overweight.
She's eating too much overall - more than just at her mum's. You should look at other areas - snacks at school? Is she on school dinners? Could you offer to pay for these all the time?

Don't be ridiculous, that means the OP has her 5 days a week!

You know there are 7 days in a week, right?

And did you not read the bit about Greggs for breakfast?

Is she in year 6? If so she should have just been weighed at school and a letter sent home indicating her BMI and where she sits on the curve as to underweight - overweight? Perhaps ask if this has been done?

@Pieandchips1234456
Absolutely do not do this. God, some people. Step mum has no authority Making or taking DSD to GP.
But if DSD became ill due to obesity you'd be telling SM she should have helped!! SMs cannot win on MN
OP you sound very kind and concerned, my DPs kids have steadily gained weight as they too are fed crap/takeaways, he's tried his best to encourage healthy eating but their mum has never cooked and now they're teens they've become incredibly lazy about just about everything, it's very difficult to watch kids get like this.

Yes she is year 6. A couple of people have mentioned this, I didn't realise.

All school letters go to her Mum so I'll ask DH to mention it.

You have to tred VERY carefully so as not to create issues around food, weight, self esteem otherwise you'll be setting her up for a lifetime of struggle with her weight and food. I would continue as you are modelling a healthy lifestyle, exercise, eating in moderation. Do NOT imply she is overweight, this is out of her control at 11, she doesnt need shaming or starting on a diet. Poor kid, I feel for her, set up to fail basically because of her Mums disordered eating.

Something you could do if she mentions feeling uncomfortable or not fitting in her clothes,is go through the places that her DM uses - Greggs etc - and help her select the least bad options.

The DM isn't going to change her eating habits, but many places have some healthy options, or even just avoiding chips could cut right back on the calories.

I'd explain it as trying to eat healthily, rather than emphasising her weight. She knows she is overweight already, she needs some tools to help her work within her current environments.

You cant actually do anything except what you've already been doing.
You sound like a lovely step mum.

A pp had a good suggestion of going through the menus of places she likes and choosing a healthier option.
(Of course only do this if she specifically brings up her weight and is asking for help/support with that, otherwise just carry on as normal!)

Could you maybe think about an inexpensive fitness watch as a present for her or do a cooking course together or share a fitness app that she could do when she's at her mums? It might make her more inclined to move around a bit more and/or eat a little better on days when she's not with you.

Very difficult, poor girl.

I think it’s a good idea to chat about the healthy options within the Takeaways. So Greggs also do baguettes - Tuna mayo for example. And fruit pots. She could steer her Mum towards different takeaways? So instead of Dominos the thin pizzas from independent places? When we get fish and chips we all share one portion of chips.

Op, no advice beyond what’s already been given on this thread- I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely caring stepmum. 💐

Why is DSD's Mum constantly buying takeaways, surely that is really expensive. Lack of time, her own cravings etc?

My DD is 10 and is in year 6. Not sure if this is a national thing but she was recently weighed and measured at school. We then got a letter saying that she was normal weight for her height etc. But on the back of the letter we’re about 7 pictures of what an underweight girl looks like, normal weight, overweight and obese etc.
So maybe she’ll have something like this soon and the problem will be brought to her mums attention by an independent party.
Good luck op.

You sound like a great mum and step mum

I am sure there are resources on NHS eating healthy for children campaigns we have similar HSE versions in Ireland. Promotion of ensuring she is getting her full range of vitamins and minerals will support you keeping the topic in a neutral zone.

Piesandchips1233356

• It would need to be the father that made the appointment

As a mother of 4 dsc for more than two decades I can assure you this is not the case. Not once have I been asked about my relationship or 'PR' by the receptionist when making an appointment. Especially these days when it's such a scrabble to get an appointment. I would have my finger on the phone button at 8am exactly.. then call DH (who would already be at work) and let him know when we would be at the surgery to meet up. Sometimes I went too sometimes I didn't depending on what Dsc wanted.

We had a very similar thing with DSD. Sadly it hasn't gotten better and at 16 she's still very overweight and very conscious on it. If you have her 50% of the time I'd be upping her exercise and lowering her calories. You should be able to make a bit of a dent.