Page 2 | DSD overweight. Mum can't see it

Flamingogirl08 · 2023-03-14T14:09:45+00:00

OK I'm preparing to be flamed because I'm just the Stepmum but I love DSD dearly and this situation is so frustrating. She is 11 and clearly overweight. Her mum just refuses to acknowledge it and she gives her crisps and chocolates in her packed lunch everyday. Takeaways nearly every night DSD is with her. We have her pretty much 50% of the time so we make sure she takes healthy lunches and has nutritious meals. We also make her exercise (long walks, games in the garden etc). But the time she is with her mum this is not kept up. DH has brought this up loads of times but her mum just says oh she's fine, it's only the odd treat etc. I don't really know what my AIBU is but what should we do next do you think?

MisschiefMaker · 14/03/2023 15:37

It's so sad how so many parents do this to their children. It should be considered neglect, the same as under-feeding would be.

However, I don't think there's anything more you can do. Social services I don't think would be any help.

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 14/03/2023 15:44

Nothing to stop SM making an appointment at the GP as long as the daughters father accompanies her to the appointment, because he needs to understand too . but essentially because he is the one with the PR

KvotheTheBloodless · 14/03/2023 15:51

I don't think BMI calculations will help TBH - if I had a quid for every time I've heard a parent say that BMI "doesn't work for us, we're muscular/big-boned/whatever" I'd be rich. Especially overweight parents, who seem to take their child being overweight as inevitable and something to almost take pride in ("we love our food!").

There's very little your DH can do, other than raise it periodically, unless he's willing to fight for full custody (would he be willing?). Get him to keep a record of all attempted interventions as evidence in case he decides to go down that route.

Keep doing what you're doing at home, modelling healthy eating and exercise - it might be enough to help DSD take more control of her diet as she ages, if she knows what healthy looks like.

Original poster

Flamingogirl08 · 14/03/2023 15:58

KvotheTheBloodless · 14/03/2023 15:51

I don't think BMI calculations will help TBH - if I had a quid for every time I've heard a parent say that BMI "doesn't work for us, we're muscular/big-boned/whatever" I'd be rich. Especially overweight parents, who seem to take their child being overweight as inevitable and something to almost take pride in ("we love our food!").

There's very little your DH can do, other than raise it periodically, unless he's willing to fight for full custody (would he be willing?). Get him to keep a record of all attempted interventions as evidence in case he decides to go down that route.

Keep doing what you're doing at home, modelling healthy eating and exercise - it might be enough to help DSD take more control of her diet as she ages, if she knows what healthy looks like.

We would absolutely have her with us full time but other than this issue she is a good Mum and DSD loves her to bits. In general we all get on well and try to do our best for DSD so I don't think a custody battle would be on the cards really.

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Mariposista · 14/03/2023 16:03

MisschiefMaker · 14/03/2023 15:37

It's so sad how so many parents do this to their children. It should be considered neglect, the same as under-feeding would be.

However, I don't think there's anything more you can do. Social services I don't think would be any help.

I totally agree with you. If a kid has their ribs sticking out, looking pale, unable to play and run because of the lack of energy, and limiting their quality and expectancy of life, and it's neglect. Letting your kid get porky, so they can't run about and play as kids should, making them potentially sick and putting them at risk of all sorts of health problems, and it's something that is brushed under the carpet so as not to hurt feelings.

TheOrigRights · 14/03/2023 16:10

OP has not said HOW overweight her DSD is. I appreciate she won't know exact number, but you can get an idea. Also whether she has hit puberty yet.

Those of you talking about fighting for full residency, social services and neglect might be being a bit OTT.

Lastnamedidntstick · 14/03/2023 16:20

TheOrigRights · 14/03/2023 16:10

OP has not said HOW overweight her DSD is. I appreciate she won't know exact number, but you can get an idea. Also whether she has hit puberty yet.

Those of you talking about fighting for full residency, social services and neglect might be being a bit OTT.

She does say “clearly” overweight. So I’m most cases when a child is obviously overweight they aren’t just a little bit chubby, they’re carrying a fair bit of weight. That plus the fact her diet is hugely calorific half the time chance are she will be bordering obese.

what does puberty have to do with it? If the child is fat then chances are she will have started puberty. Puberty or not won’t make any difference to a child who is living on takeaways and not doing much exercise, they aren’t going to develop out of that.

Original poster

Flamingogirl08 · 14/03/2023 16:25

TheOrigRights · 14/03/2023 16:10

OP has not said HOW overweight her DSD is. I appreciate she won't know exact number, but you can get an idea. Also whether she has hit puberty yet.

Those of you talking about fighting for full residency, social services and neglect might be being a bit OTT.

We don't have scales at home so I don't have numbers.

She is carrying a lot of weight and is considerably bigger than her friends. I would say that anybody looking at her objectively would say that her weight is an issue.

Yes she is just about starting puberty but the weight has been an issue before this.

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TheOrigRights · 14/03/2023 16:30

Lastnamedidntstick · 14/03/2023 16:20

She does say “clearly” overweight. So I’m most cases when a child is obviously overweight they aren’t just a little bit chubby, they’re carrying a fair bit of weight. That plus the fact her diet is hugely calorific half the time chance are she will be bordering obese.

what does puberty have to do with it? If the child is fat then chances are she will have started puberty. Puberty or not won’t make any difference to a child who is living on takeaways and not doing much exercise, they aren’t going to develop out of that.

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Yes, I understand what you're saying. Without a doubt her diet is terrible.

Many children go through a chubby period just before they shoot up. Maybe this is more the case for boys (with their greater growth spurt) than girls.

My only frame of personal reference is my own son, who at 11 and 12 was definitely overweight. Now at nearly 14 he has shot up and slimmed right down. I do think puberty does make a difference. Also, the girl is doing quite a bit of exercise on the days she's with OP.

Soproudoflionesses · 14/03/2023 16:30

Schools do the weight and height thing in Year 6 don't they? Maybe thisnwill get flagged up then and her mum might listen.

mysparkleismissing · 14/03/2023 16:34

My story is the other way round my son is overweight and his dad refuses to change anything.
So when he's with me I limit treats I try keep him active I pay for clubs and at his dad's (3 days out of 9) he eats rubbish and does nothing.

I'm hoping one day my son will want to make changes but until then....

So frustrating

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 16:36

Flamingogirl08 · 14/03/2023 15:21

Her Dad is concerned about her health.

She has made some comments about not being able to wear similar clothes to her friends which breaks my heart.

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😞 that makes me sad. She’s obviously aware.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 16:36

That’s sad, but all you can do is teach her about cooking nice nutritious meals, smoothies, all
different kinds of veggies, healthy snacks etc and the joy of lovely walks (all in a positive way, no negativity/calorie counting/body shaming obviously) so at least she will have some more experience to make better choices as a grown up.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 16:38

Mariposista · 14/03/2023 16:03

I totally agree with you. If a kid has their ribs sticking out, looking pale, unable to play and run because of the lack of energy, and limiting their quality and expectancy of life, and it's neglect. Letting your kid get porky, so they can't run about and play as kids should, making them potentially sick and putting them at risk of all sorts of health problems, and it's something that is brushed under the carpet so as not to hurt feelings.

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I do know of a case where social services temporarily removed an obese child from a family home, but it was at the stage where she couldn’t even walk and was using a wheelchair because of being so overweight (no other health issues) so I don’t think they intervene unless it’s extreme.

goldengirly · 14/03/2023 16:41

What do you mean by ‘unable to wear similar clothes to what her friends are wearing’? where has she got the message that certain clothes are only for certain body types?

Original poster

Flamingogirl08 · 14/03/2023 16:45

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 16:36

That’s sad, but all you can do is teach her about cooking nice nutritious meals, smoothies, all
different kinds of veggies, healthy snacks etc and the joy of lovely walks (all in a positive way, no negativity/calorie counting/body shaming obviously) so at least she will have some more experience to make better choices as a grown up.

Yes definitely. I have a 10 month old as well and DSD has been helping me prepare her foods and I've been explaining how important it is for the baby to eat plenty of fresh homemade stuff as its healthiest. She has taken that on-board for herself as well

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Marblessolveeverything · 14/03/2023 16:45

That is a difficult as it is clear she is open to the steps that would help. Hopefully her dad (and you) can keep it up until she is able to embrace making healthy options to take home with her? The poor girl - she is lucky to have DH and you looking out.

Original poster

Flamingogirl08 · 14/03/2023 16:49

goldengirly · 14/03/2023 16:41

What do you mean by ‘unable to wear similar clothes to what her friends are wearing’? where has she got the message that certain clothes are only for certain body types?

I don't know if you're trying to suggest we've put that on her?

I mean her friends love these crop top type clothes and when DSD has tried them on she has not felt comfortable in them and just says oh I don't think that suits me. Then later made comments about it.

We don't mention her weight or body type. We're just trying to improve her lifestyle and health overall. Unfortunately the first thing she will notice (as girls that age will) is her appearance.

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Teatime55 · 14/03/2023 16:50

DD had a friend at primary who sounded similar. Incredibly unfussy, would eat anything you gave her. Happy to eat any veg. But her mum fed her McDonalds and kebabs constantly, could snack all day if she wanted.
She moved away in year 6 and there was an issue with sourcing uniform for the new school in her waist size.
They visited a year later and she was significantly bigger and we went out to eat and she was gorging herself and her mother seemed to think it was impressive.
Shes 14 now and very large. She has a sister who is the opposite and very slim, she doesn’t look happy in photos I’ve seen.
Her mum once said that it ‘wasn’t her problem and she would need to diet when she grew up’. She said it was okay as she was overweight growing up (I’ve seen photos, she was nowhere near as big). She was still very overweight and went to slimming world every week. It feels like she feels better if her daughter is just like her. It’s very sad.

Pieandchips1234456 · 14/03/2023 16:52

Lotsofthingstoconsider · 14/03/2023 15:44

Nothing to stop SM making an appointment at the GP as long as the daughters father accompanies her to the appointment, because he needs to understand too . but essentially because he is the one with the PR

It would need to be the father that made the appointment

mathanxiety · 14/03/2023 16:55

Girls often pack on a few pounds in the tween years before the growth spurt of puberty.

Don't give her a complex about it.

Mariposista · 14/03/2023 16:55

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 16:38

I do know of a case where social services temporarily removed an obese child from a family home, but it was at the stage where she couldn’t even walk and was using a wheelchair because of being so overweight (no other health issues) so I don’t think they intervene unless it’s extreme.

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Bless her, poor poor child.

Delatron · 14/03/2023 17:01

I think you’re doing a great job and at least she eats healthily 50% of the time.

Juts keep doing what you’re doing and encourage that interest in a healthy diet and lifestyle. Cooking together is a good idea. Plus lots of exercise as a family.

You just have to trust that at some point she’ll make her own decisions at her Mum’s but there’s not much you can do.

Badger1970 · 14/03/2023 17:03

It's a form of neglect, to feed kids a diet of crap.

Just do what you can, and at least she's getting a healthy diet 50% of the time.

If Dad has a good relationship with Mum, can he mention that she's made comments and he's a bit concerned?

latetothefisting · 14/03/2023 17:07

Pieandchips1234456 · 14/03/2023 15:33

Absolutely do not do this. God, some people. Step mum has no authority Making or taking DSD to GP.

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Of course step parents can take their step children to the gp! and if OP didn't want to the dad, who OP has confirmed shares the concerns could do it.

Whether the mother would be happy about it is another matter but its not a case of "authority!"