My feed

to access all these features


Friend keeps saying I'm lucky..

97 replies

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 09:09

Because I don't have kids. Well, I've chosen not to have kids yet. I'm 27 and haven't met the right person, plus I want to buy my own place first and have been saving up towards a deposit for the last few years. My close friend of 10 years has 4 children. Her marriage broke down a couple of years ago. I know it must be hard but her ex is still involved in the kids lives and has them often so it's not like he isn't around. Friend keeps saying that I'm "lucky" because I don't have children. I wouldn't class myself as lucky, just that we made different life choices. It's starting to annoy me. AIBU?

OP posts:
TwoHedgehogs · 14/03/2023 11:47

Your friend is saying it because she's struggling, rather than get annoyed with her maybe just try and be a friend? It's hard having kids with the best circumstances, it must he dam hard for her, even with a supportive ex husband who does his share. I have 3 kids and if either my husband or I are away/out the person flying solo finds it hard. 2 people living together parenting is far easier than 2 parents living apart taking it in turns. I'm sure this isn't the life she had planned when she had her kids.

Mothership4two · 14/03/2023 11:49

Well from her perspective (single mum to four) she probably does think you are lucky that you don't have her complications or time pressures. You have very different lives. She might mean it as a compliment. It is not the worst thing someone can say about another

Blip · 14/03/2023 11:49

I agree that what she's saying is that she is finding her current situation hard.
Arguably she is more lucky in that she has four children, you could counter with that if you don't want to engage with it.

Hillary17 · 14/03/2023 11:54

As someone who doesn’t have kids yet, I’m with you. It is annoying. I’m not lucky.. I just made different lifestyle choices and had other priorities.

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 11:58

Thanks for your replies. Of course I know that she didn't plan on becoming a single parent and I wasn't insinuating that at all. I can't imagine having 4 children tbh, and I understand it must be hard work. I do sympathise with her and do help when I can. I work full time so it's difficult as I don't have a lot of spare time to see her or help out with the kids. I try my best though and always pop round when I can. I mentioned the ex just for context, as although she's single now, he is involved and does have the children regularly so it's very different to say someone who is a sole parent imo. I guess the comment annoyed me because (as other posters have pointed out) the fact I don't have kids isn't down to luck. That's the choice I made, and just because I'm child free doesn't mean I don't have problems.

I agree though that I should just try and ignore it, and offer her as much support as I can and be a listening ear. I think that's all I can do really.

OP posts:
Lilyandroses · 14/03/2023 12:02

@santaclaritadiet5 if she is a close friend could you not just tell her that the “you’re lucky” comments are frustrating you a bit? You could word it nicely, for example “I imagine it is so beyond hard sometimes with 4 children, but I’m not lucky as such - I still have a lot going on in my life, my own stresses and we have just gone through a different life path”

She might not realise it upsets you. I’m glad you try and support her too.

I also agree with other posters that she can also be deemed as “lucky” especially as she has 4 beautiful children.

TwoHedgehogs · 14/03/2023 12:03

I think a lot of the replies are pretty horrible, I think people are forgetting you are replying to op's situation, this is her friend not some randomer on a mumsnet thread that you can stick the boot in and pass comment for her chosing to have 4 children!! She's obviously not going to say "stop telling me Im lucky, I'm just far better at adulting and life planning than you, it's your fault you have 4 kids, why did you have them huh?".

Friends don't kick one another when they are down!!

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 12:05

I guess the same could be said for someone who tells another person that their lucky when they have no idea if that person has struggles/their own problems etc. It goes both ways @SafferUpNorth

OP posts:
Rupiduti · 14/03/2023 12:06

I find it hard when people say I'm lucky too op! I get it.

I'm 30 and have only just met someone I hope to have kids with. I've longed to be a mum for years. It's hard when someone says that to me when all I want is to be a mum.

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 12:06

Yep I definitely wouldn't say that 😂 @TwoHedgehogs I love her kids, it's just the comment that wound me up!

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 14/03/2023 12:07

Ihatethenewlook · Today 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

OMG - would you really say that?! OP - please dont do this.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 14/03/2023 12:08

It's just short-hand for the things that she's struggling with right now. Not many people articulate beautifully all the nuances of the fact they know your life is different and why, that they were happy with their voices but currently it's a struggle and things might change again and you might have other problems etc etc. They just see the greener grass and it shines a spotlight on their greatest struggle and it's probably an aspect of your life she currently envies.
But I bet if you talked about it she'd know full well it's not luck, and actually she wouldn't wish her kids away etc etc.
It doesn't mean anything other than a moment of envy, which in itself will pass and it doesn't mean anything bad or diminish your agency in reality.

Maray1967 · 14/03/2023 12:11

HistoryFanatic · 14/03/2023 09:16

Only say this if you are a dick.

Agreed - you can’t say that and expect her to still be your friend.
It’s irritating to be told you’re lucky - but she’s clearly struggling. I stopped at 2 - no way could I have coped with 4. Maybe having 4 wasn’t planned , maybe it was, but she’s in a tough place. Just because he has them some of the time doesn’t mean it’s not going be hard when she’s on her own with them.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 12:16

I got told I was ‘soooo lucky’ by a friend because I had ‘so many scans’ at the hospital when I was pregnant. I had so many scans because I had two episodes of pregnancy and life-threatening bleeding and they thought the baby had severe birth defects and had to be monitored throughout, plus constant blood tests and an amniocentesis.

She felt hard done by because she had a straightforward scan at 12 and 20 weeks.

Yeah, lucky.

Some people are just a bit thoughtless with that word. It sounds more like she’s jealous of your current freedom.

adriftindenofvipers · 14/03/2023 12:18

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 12:06

Yep I definitely wouldn't say that 😂 @TwoHedgehogs I love her kids, it's just the comment that wound me up!

Ask her not to say it any more. You made your choices and she did too. As for lucky would she wish her children away?Why should you have to listen to her jealous comments when you are there for her as much as you can?

Personally 4 children by 27 is madness but presumably nobody made her.

deveronvalley · 14/03/2023 12:30

Well it's not 'lucky' in the true sense of the word, there is no luck involved in your current set-up as you have deliberately chosen this. So your friend has chosen the wrong word and if she keeps saying this then either she doesn't have very good vocabulary or she is trying to convey something different and as many have suggested, it's likely to be the latter. She is envious of what she sees in your life. I guess you will know better than MNers if this is just random, occasional, wistful musings or if she genuinely regrets her own choices in life. If it's the former, best dealt with humour usually, depending on your relationship I suppose. I would probably laugh and say ' aye, should have kept your legs shut then!" but I'm a bit crass and this is probably not the best response if you think she's genuinely struggling.

SophieinParis · 14/03/2023 12:35

Well lucky is almost always the wrong word isn’t it? You’re lucky your kids are at private school, you’re lucky you have a nice DH, you’re lucky your kids have siblings to play with. These things are largely the result of hard work, careful choices, patience, endurance!

She just means, I’m struggling, you aren’t, it must be nice to be you for a bit, that’s all.

Just offer up some help if you’re mates

AliceTheeCamel · 14/03/2023 12:37

My MIL is the queen of inappropriately using the word 'lucky'. She often tells me and OH that we are lucky to have things that we've actually worked hard and made sacrifices for. It used to really annoy me but I just kind of filter it out now.

OP, I agree with others saying that your friend is obviously struggling and it sounds like you are being a good friend to her. If you've already explained that it's not luck, I'd just try to ignore as best you can.

georgarina · 14/03/2023 13:32

Personally 4 children by 27 is madness but presumably nobody made her.

It was probably easier and more enjoyable when she was married and she didn't plan on her marriage ending.

honeylulu · 14/03/2023 13:37

I get that it's annoying when it's largely not down to "luck" but what she actually means is she's struggling a bit and envious of your life but it's more socially acceptable to say "lucky". I have a friend who gave up work to be a SAHM and he husband didn't earn much and she'd moan about me being "lucky" that I had an income and would expect me to pay for everything when we went out. I used to have to bite my tongue not to snap that she was lucky to have so much time with her children but I saw she felt unhappy about how her choice had worked out. I was less sympathetic to my SIL who used to sneer at us for "selling out to the rat race/being wage slaves" while she was "a free spirit" but then scrounge for money when she was short because we were "lucky" to have some.

celticprincess · 14/03/2023 19:55

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Wow!! I’m a single parent to 2 children. One has a disability. I did not choose this. My choice was that I married the man that i
loved, we had kids then he decided to leave me. Not my choice!! So a rather harsh thing to say suggesting someone has chosen to be a single parent of 4.

girlfriend44 · 14/03/2023 20:21

Mangogogogo · 14/03/2023 09:14

This would be such a disgusting thing to say to a friend who is clearly struggling at the minute! Wtf

Exactly, the sure fire way to lose the friendship. Have some tact.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.