Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

Friend keeps saying I'm lucky..

97 replies

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 09:09

Because I don't have kids. Well, I've chosen not to have kids yet. I'm 27 and haven't met the right person, plus I want to buy my own place first and have been saving up towards a deposit for the last few years. My close friend of 10 years has 4 children. Her marriage broke down a couple of years ago. I know it must be hard but her ex is still involved in the kids lives and has them often so it's not like he isn't around. Friend keeps saying that I'm "lucky" because I don't have children. I wouldn't class myself as lucky, just that we made different life choices. It's starting to annoy me. AIBU?

OP posts:

Thanks

Share

Report

KimberleyClark · 14/03/2023 10:36

I have a single friend who thinks I’m lucky in my marriage. But the thing is, when I got engaged to DH 33 years ago she thought I was making a big mistake because he’s 11 years older than me and she thought it was too big an age gap. Yes things have worked out but the point is that I was willing to take what she saw as a risk. She has always been excessively cautious in affairs of the heart which is why she remains single.

OP you are choosing to wait until you are in the optimum position to commit to someone and have children. You’re not lucky in relation to your friend you have simply chosen to prioritise different things for now.

Thanks

Nosleepforthismum · 14/03/2023 10:39

I agree that it obviously sounds as though she is struggling so I’d cut her some slack but for what it’s worth I’d also find her comments irritating. Almost like she woke up one day to 4 kids and wondered how that happened.

Thanks

DaisyBoop · 14/03/2023 10:40

takealettermsjones · 14/03/2023 09:12

I think you're seeing this the wrong way. Her saying you're lucky is shorthand for "I'm really struggling and if I'd known I would have ended up a single parent I might have made different decisions and sometimes I really wish I had your life."

This 👆

Thanks

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/03/2023 10:43

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

What a bitchy person you are. She couldn't have predicted being a single mum to 4 kids.

Thanks

Viviennemary · 14/03/2023 10:46

Its sad your friend is struggling. However, she made a choice to have 4 children at a young age and now envies your freedom. Her husbsnd leaving made things a lot harder so I have sympathy there.

Thanks

dworky · 14/03/2023 10:46

She's doing her best to warn you of the negatives of motherhood.

Thanks

Auliza · 14/03/2023 10:46

An awful lot of people would think that your friend is lucky because she does have children.

Agree with what others have said, sounds like she might need some help. Possibly speak to her about it?

Thanks

CrotchetyCrocheting · 14/03/2023 10:47

Adelant · 14/03/2023 09:58

Hence why I said she may just want a moan.

Show quote history

That's even weirder tbh. So you think that childfree people just shouldn't be friends with people with kids? I presume that's what you mean when you said I don’t think it’s up to child free people to support people who choose to have 4 children. then?

Thanks

georgarina · 14/03/2023 10:55

I think the issue is you're using a very literal interpretation of the word lucky. She just means you're in a good position compared to her. I doubt it's a conscious effort to downplay the impact of your planning or life choices.

Agree that I would focus more on her being in a v tough situation as a single parent of four kids as well as coping with the loneliness and emotional impact of a marriage breakdown.

If it makes you uncomfortable - like if a poor friend is always calling you rich etc - maybe you can tell her that.

Thanks

Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning · 14/03/2023 11:00

I really think this is a non issue, to be honest. In fact if anything, you should be thinking about why it's affected you so much.

Thanks

Iyjd · 14/03/2023 11:08

I am infertile and devastated. My friend said the same thing to me and couldn’t understand why I was so hurt. I did point out if she would rather her child wasn’t born and she resented them so much that she thought crying most days over not being able to have a child was a better option than maybe she should look into having her child adopted because they deserved better. I’ve avoided her since!

Thanks

Iyjd · 14/03/2023 11:09

dworky · 14/03/2023 10:46

She's doing her best to warn you of the negatives of motherhood.

Did OP ask for the unsolicited advice?

Thanks

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 11:19

I think you’re ‘lucky’ in that you have big plans and choice, there’s still a ton of time for you to go down that road should you wish to.

It sounds like she’s really struggling being a single 27-year-old mother with four kids. Being completely honest, it’s not an enviable position to be in. I’d say it’s less about you and more about her own unhappiness.

Thanks

Plodstop · 14/03/2023 11:22

I'm on my own with 3 dc and have been for several years. Personally, I'd never say this to anyone. I know I am incredibly lucky to have a roof over my head and my children plus I don't know other people's struggles children or not.
Yes, being a SP can be a struggle. It's tough but you get on with it and adjust.
I'm older though and if I was 27 I'd probably find it harder.
I'm guessing she didn't have much time before being married or having kids to have much of a life or work experience and possibly regrets this.

Thanks

Plodstop · 14/03/2023 11:23

Iyjd · 14/03/2023 11:08

I am infertile and devastated. My friend said the same thing to me and couldn’t understand why I was so hurt. I did point out if she would rather her child wasn’t born and she resented them so much that she thought crying most days over not being able to have a child was a better option than maybe she should look into having her child adopted because they deserved better. I’ve avoided her since!

Exactly! We never know what other people are going through.

Thanks

Sagharbor · 14/03/2023 11:24

Mortimercat · 14/03/2023 09:31

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be a little irritated by that, after all it is quite clearly nothing to do with luck. But I would suck it up nevertheless, because is seems to be a clumsy way of her saying that she is finding life quite hard at the moment.

This.

I'd also suck it up, as I think the friend is actually just saying that the poster is "fortunate" not to have kids to worry about.

Being a single mum is difficult with or without help from an ex, being a single mum of 4? even harder.

Ask your friend, how you can be of help.

Thanks

SafferUpNorth · 14/03/2023 11:27

Helloooooo! You sound a bit tone deaf, OP! This is a way of saying she could do with your help and support.

Thanks

SittingNextToIt · 14/03/2023 11:28

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 09:09

Because I don't have kids. Well, I've chosen not to have kids yet. I'm 27 and haven't met the right person, plus I want to buy my own place first and have been saving up towards a deposit for the last few years. My close friend of 10 years has 4 children. Her marriage broke down a couple of years ago. I know it must be hard but her ex is still involved in the kids lives and has them often so it's not like he isn't around. Friend keeps saying that I'm "lucky" because I don't have children. I wouldn't class myself as lucky, just that we made different life choices. It's starting to annoy me. AIBU?

Look - it isn't difficult to understand is it? People speak in ways which indirectly convey their struggles/code their struggles sometimes a bit. Offer support, tell her you can imagine things must be hard, ask her if she's tired and fancies a coffee/lunch with you? If you ever imagine having kids, you might even add that you're also surely going to face all this one day or some such? Doesn't take that much to figure out what she is actually meaning here.

Thanks

monsterradeliciosa · 14/03/2023 11:30

Every time she says it say 'it's not luck, I chose not to have them'

Thanks

speakout · 14/03/2023 11:31

PandasAreUseless · 14/03/2023 09:37

I typically dislike the use of the word 'lucky'.
'Lucky' is being born to a wealthy family, or being born British, or winning the Lottery.
My mum uses the word to describe people who have worked their socks off to achieve success. Think - a surgeon who has trained for 15 years to get to where they are.
I think your friend probably means 'fortunate', which is more appropriate in most contexts.

I agree.
I run a small but profitable business from home, and several people have told me I am "lucky", or that my business "fell into my lap".- it's very annoying.

I have also had relatives tell me that I am "lucky" to be 60,slim and fit.

Well no- I watch what I eat and I go to the gym 5 times a week. Nothing "lucky" about that either.

Thanks

Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning · 14/03/2023 11:31

Plodstop · 14/03/2023 11:23

Exactly! We never know what other people are going through.

Show quote history

Surely OP's friend knows what's literally written in the first post, which is that she's made a choice not to have kids. If the friend knew she was infertile (which hasn't been mentioned at any point ??) then that's completely different.

Painful as it is, your anecdote isn't an analogy for this.

Thanks

Sparklesocks · 14/03/2023 11:32

Agree with others it sounds like she’s having a bit of a hard time and is indirectly communicating that. You’ve both made different decisions/followed different paths and maybe she’s feeling a bit low and wishing she did things differently. It could just be a vent or she needs a bit of emotional support.

Thanks

Oblomov23 · 14/03/2023 11:42

This would really irritate me. Luck has little to do with this. She has made choices, as have you. She needs to stop blaming others for her choices.

Thanks

PretzelBite · 14/03/2023 11:42

Sparklesocks · 14/03/2023 11:32

Agree with others it sounds like she’s having a bit of a hard time and is indirectly communicating that. You’ve both made different decisions/followed different paths and maybe she’s feeling a bit low and wishing she did things differently. It could just be a vent or she needs a bit of emotional support.

This. I’m not sure why it’s bothering you. As her friend, encourage her to open up and have a proper vent. She’s going through a really shit time by the sound of it.

Thanks

Oblomov23 · 14/03/2023 11:44

She chose to have 4 children. Maybe her choice of partner wasn't great either, but she did chose him.

Thanks

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.