Friend keeps saying I'm lucky..

[santaclaritadiet5]

Because I don't have kids. Well, I've chosen not to have kids yet. I'm 27 and haven't met the right person, plus I want to buy my own place first and have been saving up towards a deposit for the last few years. My close friend of 10 years has 4 children. Her marriage broke down a couple of years ago. I know it must be hard but her ex is still involved in the kids lives and has them often so it's not like he isn't around. Friend keeps saying that I'm "lucky" because I don't have children. I wouldn't class myself as lucky, just that we made different life choices. It's starting to annoy me. AIBU?

[MarieRoseMarie]

Why has this even triggered you? She’s a single mum of 4 kids and you are a happy unencumbered 27 year old.

[CrotchetyCrocheting]

@Adelant

I don’t think it’s up to child free people to support people who choose to have 4 children.

Maybe she wants a moan or maybe she is hinting at OP to help her.

This made me laugh, what on earth did you think posters meant by support? Did you think posters were suggesting that she move in and become her friends nanny? They were just suggesting she offer some emotional support like friends do.

[Comedycook]

It's an odd thing to say but sounds more like a reflection on her own unhappiness.

[NowAAT]

You're right OP. You're not lucky. You just made different decisions which led you to a different path in life. Luck has nothing to do with it.

[Adelant]

@CrotchetyCrocheting

This made me laugh, what on earth did you think posters meant by support? Did you think posters were suggesting that she move in and become her friends nanny? They were just suggesting she offer some emotional support like friends do.

Hence why I said she may just want a moan.

[Woodywasatwat]

@Ihatethenewlook

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

That would be a really horrible thing to say to a friend.

[MyMumsOnMN]

@Ihatethenewlook

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

I doubt she had 4 kids knowing she was gonna be a single mum and struggle though did she. Not sure why you've chose the shitty route.

[birdshavingabath]

I would just tell her you find it a strange thing to say, that you accept her life is not necessarily easy but that you don't think your decision or being child free is lucky. Just ask her to stop saying it.

[butterfliedtwo]

@Adelant

I don’t think it’s up to child free people to support people who choose to have 4 children.

Maybe she wants a moan or maybe she is hinting at OP to help her.

Agree with this.

[DoomedForLoneliness]

Tell her that there is a woman out here you considers her to be lucky.
I think she’s lucky because clearly at least some point someon loved her and wanted her.
Tell her that there is at least one woman in the world who’s never even been an date and will die alone.
Tell her she’s lucky to have children, because some of us never get to make that choice.
She is very lucky and fortunate to have had live and to have 4(!) kids!
That is so much more than I could ever even imagine.

Now I’m actually annoyid that someone like her has the audacity to complain…

[Ponoka7]

@Ihatethenewlook

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Would you really talk to a friend like that? Apart from being nasty, it's stupid. Anyone can be left as a LP. I was widowed. On the same basis no-one can have a moan about work, extra studying, their partner, pet or the cost of many things, because they are all choices we've made.

[dottiedodah]

Clearly your friend is struggling with 4 children .You are not "lucky" she could be seen as so if she had 4 DC easily and was not a SP.However this wasnt the way it went! I would just say to her "it must be very hard" " However my life isnt perfect ,I am working FT and have yet to meet someone or get my own home" In essence she is struggling right now ,but in 10 years her DC will be that much older ,you may have a young baby .Life is not perfect!

[FellPuck]

I think what she is actually saying is that she feels particularly unlucky because she is a single mum with 4 kids and probably didn't intend to be in that position.

It's less that you're lucky, more that she feels she is unlucky. It's annoying when people say things like this, but unless she has a habit of being insensitive,, it's likely that she is just feeling bad about herself and it's coming out poorly.

[shropshire11]

YANBU. When people use language like this, it implies that they have no understanding of the sacrifices you may have made, your sense of self-control, or your ability to purse a path of delayed gratification.

This said, she may just be using the word in a lazy way, and to her it isn't meant to be diminishing towards you. Only you will know whether she is saying it in a pointed way. The chances are it's harmless, and best to ignore.

[TurnipSurprise]

@Ihatethenewlook

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

What a delight you are.

[Lilyandroses]

I’ll be honest it sounds like she’s struggling and is (although I’m sure she absolutely loves her children) is jealous of your life. I have a friend who I adore but has a habit of telling me how lucky I am or “at least you don’t have to deal with x y and z”. It used to do my head in but I have found out it is due to her insecurities/struggles/jealousy. She’s just recently had a baby (I’m also pregnant - due in 8 weeks) and she constantly tells me how lucky I am not to deal with x y and z yet. It’s because she’s struggling with being a new mum so I support her.

Just also wanted to add that at 27 I do not think you need to be in any rush to have children or find a partner - you’ve taken different paths and that’s totally OK. It is annoying when people tell you how lucky you are, especially when you have your own life stresses and things to deal with. But I would say maybe reach out and see if she is struggling. Offer support instead

[MyMumsOnMN]

@DoomedForLoneliness

Tell her that there is a woman out here you considers her to be lucky.
I think she’s lucky because clearly at least some point someon loved her and wanted her.
Tell her that there is at least one woman in the world who’s never even been an date and will die alone.
Tell her she’s lucky to have children, because some of us never get to make that choice.
She is very lucky and fortunate to have had live and to have 4(!) kids!
That is so much more than I could ever even imagine.

Now I’m actually annoyid that someone like her has the audacity to complain…

I don't think her saying her friend was lucky means she's ungrateful for what she has though. She probably loves her kids more than anything in the world. Of course some people will never be able to have kids, which is very sad, she's still allowed to find it difficult sometimes.

[2023usernameNew]

I also think it’s the wrong word choice on her part.

I don’t think she means wherever you’re in life is down to luck, I think she means she wishes she was in your position.

[Fladdermus]

I get the frustration OP. I have a friend similar. Constantly going on about how lucky I am because I don't HAVE to work and can suit myself when I do. I bite my tongue because the reason I don't have to work is because I'm disabled and I think she's being really insensitive. But reading some of your other replies, I see now that it's a reflection of the fact she really struggling to cope with her situation.

[BellePeppa]

@Mangogogogo

This is a weird way to think. I’m not married yet but I supported my friend when her marriage was shit… should I not have cos she chose to marry him? Jesus, do any of you like your friends?!

MN is full of posters who hate their husbands and don’t like their children so it’s not surprising they don’t like their friends either 😁

[ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave]

I do feel incredibly lucky to be childfree and not like the thousands of women who sleepwalk into having children because it's the "normal" life path. My life is an absolute dream compared to a mother of four. Can't you embrace it and sympathise with her?

[HistoryFanatic]

@DoomedForLoneliness

Tell her that there is a woman out here you considers her to be lucky.
I think she’s lucky because clearly at least some point someon loved her and wanted her.
Tell her that there is at least one woman in the world who’s never even been an date and will die alone.
Tell her she’s lucky to have children, because some of us never get to make that choice.
She is very lucky and fortunate to have had live and to have 4(!) kids!
That is so much more than I could ever even imagine.

Now I’m actually annoyid that someone like her has the audacity to complain…

You are allowed to moan about the struggles of parenting even if you have had struggles to conceive. It doesn't mean you are ungrateful. Just human.

[BreviloquentBastard]

I get this sometimes. I'm in my 30's but had my child very young so she's a teen now while all my friends are just having their firsts and seconds. I get told "you're so lucky" all the time, and I have to remind them that I was a single mum at 17 while they were out enjoying 6th form! Swings and roundabouts.

It's not uncommon for someone who is struggling to tell their friends who seem not to be struggling they they're "lucky". When I get it from my friends I reach out and ask if they're ok or if I can do anything. She's telling you she's having a hard time, that's all.

[Grumpafrump]

I dislike it when people frame choices as pure luck. I can see why the choice to remain child free being framed as luck would grate on you!

People say we were lucky to buy our house several years before covid, and there definitely was luck involved in having the money available to buy our house when we did. However, we also did a massive amount of research into areas and market trends and bought very carefully, and with a view to the future, when we made our purchase. This was at a time when literally EVERYONE around us who also had the means to purchase was putting off a home purchase, saying that renting was more flexible and that the people investing in property were foolish because prices were going to crash any second. Now they tell us we were lucky. I think to myself, “No, we weren’t actually that much luckier than you, we just made a better decision. ”

[DoomedForLoneliness]

@HistoryFanatic

You are allowed to moan about the struggles of parenting even if you have had struggles to conceive. It doesn't mean you are ungrateful. Just human.

And I’m allowed to have a moan because I don’t get to have those things
And also allowed to say she’s being ungrateful and should check her privileges.
Just human.

Ps: Really sad that scolding me was what you chose to take from that comment.