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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend keeps saying I'm lucky..

99 replies

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 09:09

Because I don't have kids. Well, I've chosen not to have kids yet. I'm 27 and haven't met the right person, plus I want to buy my own place first and have been saving up towards a deposit for the last few years. My close friend of 10 years has 4 children. Her marriage broke down a couple of years ago. I know it must be hard but her ex is still involved in the kids lives and has them often so it's not like he isn't around. Friend keeps saying that I'm "lucky" because I don't have children. I wouldn't class myself as lucky, just that we made different life choices. It's starting to annoy me. AIBU?

OP posts:
EVHead · 14/03/2023 09:12

It sounds like she’s struggling. Maybe she needs your support?

takealettermsjones · 14/03/2023 09:12

I think you're seeing this the wrong way. Her saying you're lucky is shorthand for "I'm really struggling and if I'd known I would have ended up a single parent I might have made different decisions and sometimes I really wish I had your life."

Nevermind31 · 14/03/2023 09:12

It’s odd when people keep insisting that someone is lucky. It is usually to hint that they are very unhappy, or to keep rubbing it in (in your case, that you don’t have any kids).
Next time she says that ask her why she keeps telling you this? Does she regret her kids?

specialk9 · 14/03/2023 09:13

I wouldn't say you're lucky. I also wouldn't underestimate how hard it might be for a single mother with 4 children.

Maybes she's struggling atm and is indirectly reaching out for support? Or maybe she is envious of her life compared to yours.

Doesn't make you lucky and her not though.

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Mangogogogo · 14/03/2023 09:14

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

This would be such a disgusting thing to say to a friend who is clearly struggling at the minute! Wtf

specialk9 · 14/03/2023 09:14

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Wow a bit harsh! I'm sure she didn't plan to be a seemingly, struggling single parent to 4 children. Shit/life happens.

takealettermsjones · 14/03/2023 09:15

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Wow. Do you actually like any of your friends?

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 14/03/2023 09:15

takealettermsjones · 14/03/2023 09:12

I think you're seeing this the wrong way. Her saying you're lucky is shorthand for "I'm really struggling and if I'd known I would have ended up a single parent I might have made different decisions and sometimes I really wish I had your life."

This

whattodo1975 · 14/03/2023 09:16

Its her way of saying "i'm in a shit situation that i regret putting myself in and i wish, at 27, my life was like yours".

HistoryFanatic · 14/03/2023 09:16

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Only say this if you are a dick.

Adelant · 14/03/2023 09:17

EVHead · 14/03/2023 09:12

It sounds like she’s struggling. Maybe she needs your support?

I don’t think it’s up to child free people to support people who choose to have 4 children.

Maybe she wants a moan or maybe she is hinting at OP to help her.

Mangogogogo · 14/03/2023 09:18

Adelant · 14/03/2023 09:17

I don’t think it’s up to child free people to support people who choose to have 4 children.

Maybe she wants a moan or maybe she is hinting at OP to help her.

Show quote history

This is a weird way to think. I’m not married yet but I supported my friend when her marriage was shit… should I not have cos she chose to marry him? Jesus, do any of you like your friends?!

JamJarJane · 14/03/2023 09:18

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

Bloody hell, I'm glad you're not my friend!

Sounds like she's having a hard time, OP. Just be a listening ear. You could say 'I'm sorry it's so shit for you right now'. And if you really need to you could add 'but I'd prefer it if you didn't say I'm lucky, please'.

Trustfallbaby · 14/03/2023 09:19

Like you said, you've both made different choices. Shes obviously struggling but I don't think its up to you to help her. No one expects to become a single mum but I've heard the rule of "only have as many kids as you can handle on your own" lots of different circumstances can leave you a single parent.

Don't feel bad.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/03/2023 09:22

If your friend is also about 27 and she's a single mother to 4 children, I'm not surprised she thinks you're lucky!

Obviously it largely comes down to the choices you have each made, rather than luck but...in this case I think all I could say when she tells you how lucky you are is "God yes, I know!"

drpet49 · 14/03/2023 09:24

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

@Ihatethenewlook how nasty

passthegingordon · 14/03/2023 09:25

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:13

It’s annoying but not hard to shut down really. Just repeat ‘it’s a decision, not luck, I want to get my life in order first’. I’d be tempted to go a bit further and tell her ‘I’ve decided to wait until I found the right person, rather than be a single mum to 4 kids’.

An ignorant [and probably friendless] wanker enters the chat.

WandaWonder · 14/03/2023 09:27

santaclaritadiet5 · 14/03/2023 09:09

Because I don't have kids. Well, I've chosen not to have kids yet. I'm 27 and haven't met the right person, plus I want to buy my own place first and have been saving up towards a deposit for the last few years. My close friend of 10 years has 4 children. Her marriage broke down a couple of years ago. I know it must be hard but her ex is still involved in the kids lives and has them often so it's not like he isn't around. Friend keeps saying that I'm "lucky" because I don't have children. I wouldn't class myself as lucky, just that we made different life choices. It's starting to annoy me. AIBU?

Why on earth did she have 4 then?

Did she not realise how it works or did she have quads?

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:28

HistoryFanatic · 14/03/2023 09:16

Only say this if you are a dick.

Show quote history

The op knows this person so knows how to take her. We don’t, so I‘m taking the op at face value in that she’s saying it in a way to get under the op’s skin. I know a school mum who was like this, constantly put people down for her own poor life choices, including the ‘you’re so lucky you’ve only got the 1/2 kids’, she also had 4. ‘Oh you’re so lucky you’ve got a job, I’d love to be able to get away from the house for a few hours a day’. Her youngest is 8 and she has family on tap for babysitting, literally nothing stopping her getting a job. She was ostracised for years at the school gates after a school trip to a theme park, where she remarked to the mums how lucky it was that one of the disabled children (in a wheelchair) didn’t have to queue for the rides. I’m pretty sure it was her being a dick, and not everyone else.

HistoryFanatic · 14/03/2023 09:28

Unless you have a crystal ball you might not have envisaged being a single mother.

Mortimercat · 14/03/2023 09:31

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be a little irritated by that, after all it is quite clearly nothing to do with luck. But I would suck it up nevertheless, because is seems to be a clumsy way of her saying that she is finding life quite hard at the moment.

Sceptre86 · 14/03/2023 09:33

Yanbu but you have said she is a close friend. I'd be inclined to ask her if she is struggling and encourage her to seek help.

takealettermsjones · 14/03/2023 09:34

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 09:28

The op knows this person so knows how to take her. We don’t, so I‘m taking the op at face value in that she’s saying it in a way to get under the op’s skin. I know a school mum who was like this, constantly put people down for her own poor life choices, including the ‘you’re so lucky you’ve only got the 1/2 kids’, she also had 4. ‘Oh you’re so lucky you’ve got a job, I’d love to be able to get away from the house for a few hours a day’. Her youngest is 8 and she has family on tap for babysitting, literally nothing stopping her getting a job. She was ostracised for years at the school gates after a school trip to a theme park, where she remarked to the mums how lucky it was that one of the disabled children (in a wheelchair) didn’t have to queue for the rides. I’m pretty sure it was her being a dick, and not everyone else.

Show quote history

Saying a disabled person is lucky is being a dick, I'm with you on that. But I don't agree with the rest of it. People like this are hardly trying to put others down by saying they're lucky - it's just small talk for some people. Can you imagine if everyone took offence to this kind of meaningless chat?

"Oh wow, you're so lucky to have seen the Taj Mahal!"
"Well, actually, I saved up and planned a trip to Agra so it was a choice."
"Okay..." Crickets

In the context of the OP, though, it seems clear that the friend is struggling. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PandasAreUseless · 14/03/2023 09:37

I typically dislike the use of the word 'lucky'.
'Lucky' is being born to a wealthy family, or being born British, or winning the Lottery.
My mum uses the word to describe people who have worked their socks off to achieve success. Think - a surgeon who has trained for 15 years to get to where they are.
I think your friend probably means 'fortunate', which is more appropriate in most contexts.

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