To think DP isn't going to tell the school

[TropicalH20]

My DP has a DD aged 11. At the weekend her DD was with her dad. She called my DP up and told her she didn't feel safe and that her dad had hit her. She sent a pic and all her arm was red. There were other family members in the house at the time and it was confirmed by others this had happened and he had shouted and hit her hard.
Her DD dad didn't take any responsibility and refused to apologise. He became angry at my DP and minimised it so badly. DP was going to collect her but decided not to after speaking to DD and saying she seemed OK. (I personally would have still gone and got her). I've been that child who's been hit numerous times by my parents and I felt so scared.

Her DD came home and we spoke about the situation. Her DD said she still had a funny feeling in her tummy and I just really felt for her. We told her no one should ever hit her even if she is being cheeky. Then we found out she had her phone taken away from her because she had contacted DP to ask to leave and that she felt unsafe. Which I think is absolutely awful. My DP said she was going to contact the school and let them know about all this.
So yesterday arrived, I asked if she had emailed the school. Tells me she hasn't, wants to speak to the dad and hear his voice and what he has to say. I don't know how the conversation went but I have a feeling she's not going to inform the school of this incident.
When I was young my parents always used to tell me never to tell anyone how they used to be with me, I always wished I had someone looking out for me with my parents rages. I just feel for the DD. Yes ok she can be very cheeky and have an attitude but you use consequences of no phone etc not shouting and hitting.

Aibu to think DP isn't going to say anything and to lose respect for how this was handled.

Why is telling the school the first thing to do? There's no magic solution in doing this. It's up to your dp to make sure her dd is safe, she could phone social services herself, she could report it to the police if there's a mark left, she can ensure her dd doesn't stay at her dad's again etc etc.

I'm not sure school would be the first call here. They have a duty of care so that would only involve social services and the police etc.

She needs to have a discussion with child to see where they go from here and maybe she needs to stop her going to her Dads if she doesnt feel her dd is safe.
Calling the school would involve a lot of investigations which may become quite intrusive for everyone when your dp isn't in the wrong.

If she then decides to involve the police at a later date that's your dps call but she needs to speak to her daughter not the school.

Why do you tell school? I dont have schoolchildren so I genuinely dont know and am interested. I'm not saying you shouldn't. What do the school do about it? Are they like social workers that will get the father in and investigate. Or do they report it to the the SS on your behalf? Why not ring the SS yourself and cut out the middleman who might get the story wrong? It seems like every incident that involves a child goes through school. Is that what school asks you to do? It's so different from how I remember but then I guess systems change.

School notes it down as a safeguarding incident and will call dad to speak to him. Need to let school know as they can build a picture of what's going on. Might be other stuff they have noted down that others aren't aware of ect. Could seem small but once you piece alot of small things together you get a big picture.
The DD would also get support at school eg. Helping deal with her emotions about what happened.

I don’t think she needs to tell the school. But she has to deal with the Dad directly. She probably should have gone and picked her up really.

DP has discussed with DD.
DD said she doesn't want to not ever see her dad again but atm she doesn't want to see him for a week or so.
I just feel though she's a child and will always have loyalty to her dad. I still loved my parents even though they used to physically abuse me.
So sometimes decisions need to be made in children's best interests as they can't see their best interests.
I don't feel like DP is going to make these decisions. She didn't go and get DD to start with at the weekend.

I guess it's not really about telling the school but putting actions into place to help and protect her DD. I'm a parent and I would have picked my DC up in a heartbeat.

Does her DD live with her / you or her dad?
Are there visitation plans in place by the court?
If DD doesn't feel safe then these may need adjustment and maybe mediation - certainly a cooling off period from her dad (not experienced but child needs putting first here)

I don’t see the school’s role in this. It happened out of school and your DP needs to deal with it.

DD would also get support at school.

She got smacked. It's not great. But getting emotional support at school for it? I wonder if that doesn't make it even bigger in her mind. And does she want school and teachers knowing her business?
Oh well, if that's the way things are done, then I guess the experts know best.

I'd be calling the police and the school. Your partner clearly doesn't have the child's best interests at heart and I agree that she's unlikely to do anything.

You know what's happened, you can help her. You can still report it.

I work in a school. Schools do need to know because emotions often come out there. They'll suspect something. Dd could also say something whilst in school.

The police also need to know, given an adult physically assaulted a child

I feel like this post is minimising and this is exactly why abuse happens. "Oh well it couldn't have been that bad"
And this is exactly what my mum used to say "it's no one else's business"
Well it should be so children aren't vulnerable to being hit and threatened.

That’s not at all what will happen. If a school gets a report that a parent is hitting a child then the absolute last thing they do is tell the parent because doing so would escalate abuse or encourage abusers to be more discreet.

My DP works with children The job I do is safeguarding. So I feel she should be reporting it even more so.

There's also background to her DD in school. The safeguarding team were involved due to her DD being unable to cope with her emotions at school. We have a feeling DD is neurodiverse and trying to get help for her with that atm too.

Her dad has no parental rights so legally DD doesn't have to go to his house.

Unfortunately I've witnessed schools ringing parents to discuss claims made by children. I agree with you though, it's wrong they shouldn't do that

There is nothing stopping you contacting the school you can say you don't want it acted on but just wanted to let them know so they can build a picture.

Does the parent that hit her have a history of being aggressive or was it a one off? My mum once hit me, I'd put my freezing cold hands on her back at the beach and she instinctively turned round and slapped my thigh and shouted at me, the red mark lasted ages. I don't blame her, I was winding her up and it was not a pattern of abusive behaviour. A pattern of aggressive behaviour the school would be interested, a one off not so much.

As for how you feel about your partner, you are allowed to feel however you like. If this stirs of memories and emotions for you that is OK.

Then you should be reporting the school and absolutely not encouraging your DP to involve them in this because they’re clearly a bunch of dangerous morons.

Has your partner been separated from her ex for long? It sounds like he’s still manipulating her and still acting abusively towards her through her daughter. I would have absolutely been straight round to get her as well- poor girl.

Why is your partner hesitant?

It's she minimising the harm that this does to a child?

Or could she be worried that dad will maybe raise something about her parenting?

Has he been violent to your partner before and she's scared?

I'm just struggling to see why someone would ignore this.

School notes it down as a safeguarding incident and will call dad to speak to him.

Why on earth hasn’t your partner called the dad to speak to him??

Not hitting but yanking at her arm a few times. Which again DP didn't raise with him.

I never understand the reluctance to report abuse to the authorities. If an adult gets hit by another adult then it is the accepted norm that the police get involved.

Why don’t we follow the same logical thought process with children? I mean, it’s really not ok for an adult to whack a child regardless of circumstances and she has made it clear she doesn’t feel safe around him. She is clearly asking for help!!!!!!!

I know it’s difficult circumstances but I suggest you sit down with DP and her daughter and talk through why it’s important to raise this with someone - either the school or the police. Both would flag it to social services. He would be spoken to. If it prevents it ever happens again then isn’t it worth any awkwardness?

She's not scared of him. They were never in a relationship to begin with and he's been with someone else since DD was small.

So is she just negligent? Doesn't she not care?

Why do you think she's ignoring this?