To think DP isn't going to tell the school

[TropicalH20]

My DP has a DD aged 11. At the weekend her DD was with her dad. She called my DP up and told her she didn't feel safe and that her dad had hit her. She sent a pic and all her arm was red. There were other family members in the house at the time and it was confirmed by others this had happened and he had shouted and hit her hard.
Her DD dad didn't take any responsibility and refused to apologise. He became angry at my DP and minimised it so badly. DP was going to collect her but decided not to after speaking to DD and saying she seemed OK. (I personally would have still gone and got her). I've been that child who's been hit numerous times by my parents and I felt so scared.

Her DD came home and we spoke about the situation. Her DD said she still had a funny feeling in her tummy and I just really felt for her. We told her no one should ever hit her even if she is being cheeky. Then we found out she had her phone taken away from her because she had contacted DP to ask to leave and that she felt unsafe. Which I think is absolutely awful. My DP said she was going to contact the school and let them know about all this.
So yesterday arrived, I asked if she had emailed the school. Tells me she hasn't, wants to speak to the dad and hear his voice and what he has to say. I don't know how the conversation went but I have a feeling she's not going to inform the school of this incident.
When I was young my parents always used to tell me never to tell anyone how they used to be with me, I always wished I had someone looking out for me with my parents rages. I just feel for the DD. Yes ok she can be very cheeky and have an attitude but you use consequences of no phone etc not shouting and hitting.

Aibu to think DP isn't going to say anything and to lose respect for how this was handled.

OP I don’t understand your rationale about reporting to the school at all. The school is not a social service or branch of the police force. They are a place where children go to be educated. That’s it. They have some pastoral responsibilities on top of that, and some legal safeguarding responsibilities which go with the job. But basically they are a group of teachers. Their job is to teach, not deal with social problems.

By all means tell the school so that they have a picture of what she is dealing with in her life. However it is your DPs responsibility to escalate this, and if DP won’t then you might have to. It is nobody else’s job. Call the NSPCC, the police or SS. Your DP needs to take charge of this now, if not you. Not a teacher.

This.

I can't imagine knowingly allowing my child to be abused, without taking any action. It's horrifying, especially as it doesn't seem to be a one off (but even once should be acted on).

And from a pragmatic point of view, if the child's wellbeing isn't pressing enough, both the OP and her partner should bear in mind that they're putting their careers at risk. If they work in safeguarding, then it's likely to look bad if it comes out that a child in their care has been abused and they took no action.

But yeah, "This child has been walloped by an adult" should be more than enough for someone to take action...

In your shoes i'd be reporting to social services myself. You can do it anonymously and you said others whitnessed the incident so it could be anyone.

Situations like this anger me. You know it happened, you know it's not right, yet you're sat back waiting for others to act, when they look like they're not going to. Report it yourself.

The cases i've seen lately of young children harmed by parents/step parents/parents partners where whiteness come forward afterand say they saw x y qnd z that were huge alarm bells of further harm, and they effectively did nothing. Those that do nothing with the knowledge harm is going on are also liable. Do something.

I’d do all I can to protect this poor child and the way your DP has handled this would seriously turn me off. Please report to the school and stand up for her. If the relationship ends over it then that’s actually good for you as wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway.

You need to ask your girlfriend wtf she is playing at.
Poor kid 😞

You can't ring a school, disclose a child is potentially being physically abused and then say "but I don't want it acting on, I'm just letting you know to build a picture". You disclose that information and they will act on it whether or not you tell them to, their role is to protect the child and that's what they will do.

@grumpycow1

Please report to the school and stand up for her

I don’t understand at all why OP or DP would ‘report’ this to the school? Schools are run by teachers, they are places where kids are educated. They are not a branch of the police and social services and they have no special powers. It’s a good idea to tell them if a child is having a hard time so they have a full picture of their life, in order to help their schooling. But I don’t understand why anybody would think that it is the job of the school to take action.

OP and DP need to take action. Call SS, NSPCC and/or police. On top of that make plans to support her mental health, perhaps discussing that with the GP, NSPCC or other charity. This is what parents do. It is their responsibility. Nobody else’s. Schools are places for children to learn, they don’t police families or sort out social problems.

I assume reporting it means contact ending, so no weekends at his, him taking her to school so your dp can get to work. The loss of shared childcare must seem huge, easier to go with the minimising isn't it?
(obviously I'm not saying that's right, just thinking through what her thought processes might be about not reporting)

I’d go straight to the police myself if I knew a child was being abused. Safeguarding is everyone’s business and doing nothing makes you complicit.

Not sure where you're from but smacking is illegal here in the UK so it is definitely a bigger deal than your reply suggests.
Certainly that's my understanding here in Scotland. There is no excuse for smacking a child and it does carry genuine consequences as it should.
*Apologies if I'm misunderstanding tone of course, I am autistic so could be reading it more harshly than you've intended.

I assume reporting it means contact ending, so no weekends at his, him taking her to school so your dp can get to work. The loss of shared childcare must seem huge, easier to go with the minimising isn't it?

Completely agree with this

@iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened

It's not illegal in England or N Ireland, I don't think.

I don't think school is the first call.
Police ? Social services?
I wouldn't take the Dad's word for it , he will deny it.

Yup, I think this is the reason too.

OP your partner is not a good mother if she isn't doing something about this and, frankly, given you've known the dad has yanked his daughter's arm in the past and you've done nothing, you're not exactly covering yourself in glory here either.

OP what do you want to happen?
Do you want the school or someone with 'authority' to tell your DP not to send her back? That's highly unlikely to happen. Police might arrest him but he's unlikely to be charged with anything, and that won't stop contact in the long run. Social services won't get involved beyond a phone call to parents I wouldn't think (unless there is a lot of background you don't know/haven't shared) as being brutally honest this is a one off smack and doesn't meet their threshold to intervene.
what needs to happen is the mother needs to find her backbone and stop overnight contact. I think you need to address this head on with her first. If she won't do anything to protect the child you can report it (police or social services, not school or NSPCC) but this will probably blow up your relationship.

Oh wow really? I didn't realise. That's awful and needs to change.

SS should be your first port of call but then the school should be made aware of the situation too.

It's placing quite a lot of parenting on teachers, no? Why should it be the teacher's job? Can't your DP just sort it out herself? There's social work, family Court etc for this sort of thing.

I find it unbelievable and chilling how many people seem to think that it is teachers’ jobs to deal with this.

Teachers teach. Parents parent. It is parents responsibility to protect their children.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting the school be the only port of fall for reporting, are they? But this little girl has known issues at school, so updating them as to her situation, which will likely affect said emotional issues, makes sense. She spends a good portion of her day in their care, they have safeguarding responsibilities and so making them away of outside influences on her well-being is logical. It’s this ‘joined up working’ councils so love to go on about.

So you both work with children or safeguarding but neither of you collected dd or reported dad for hitting her? Not only that but you think the first port of call should be dad or school rather than SS, Police or local childrens team? You seriously need further safeguarding training. Unbelievable 🙄

I’d have lost all respect the moment they didn’t go and collect their DD.

If anyone hit one of my children, I’d be picking them up straight away and NEVER returning them. No questions, no arguments, end of.

@TropicalH20 you have been made aware of a safeguarding issue.
You work in safeguarding so can't use ignorance as a defence so you are professionally on very dodgy ground.

You have a legal duty to report the incident and it needs to be done this morning.

I agree wholeheartedly with your view on the situation.

Dad hits child. Probably not the first or last time.

Mum doesn't care enough to be there for her child.

Unfortunately, the responsibility now lies with you to act. Yes, it may impact your relationship but someone has to help the poor girl. She deserves to feel validates and to not be put in that situation again.

I wonder if mum uses dad as a childcare option and is worried about what it will mean to her if she says something and that childcare stops. Selfishness.