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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP isn't going to tell the school

91 replies

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 05:40

My DP has a DD aged 11. At the weekend her DD was with her dad. She called my DP up and told her she didn't feel safe and that her dad had hit her. She sent a pic and all her arm was red. There were other family members in the house at the time and it was confirmed by others this had happened and he had shouted and hit her hard.
Her DD dad didn't take any responsibility and refused to apologise. He became angry at my DP and minimised it so badly. DP was going to collect her but decided not to after speaking to DD and saying she seemed OK. (I personally would have still gone and got her). I've been that child who's been hit numerous times by my parents and I felt so scared.

Her DD came home and we spoke about the situation. Her DD said she still had a funny feeling in her tummy and I just really felt for her. We told her no one should ever hit her even if she is being cheeky. Then we found out she had her phone taken away from her because she had contacted DP to ask to leave and that she felt unsafe. Which I think is absolutely awful. My DP said she was going to contact the school and let them know about all this.
So yesterday arrived, I asked if she had emailed the school. Tells me she hasn't, wants to speak to the dad and hear his voice and what he has to say. I don't know how the conversation went but I have a feeling she's not going to inform the school of this incident.
When I was young my parents always used to tell me never to tell anyone how they used to be with me, I always wished I had someone looking out for me with my parents rages. I just feel for the DD. Yes ok she can be very cheeky and have an attitude but you use consequences of no phone etc not shouting and hitting.

Aibu to think DP isn't going to say anything and to lose respect for how this was handled.

OP posts:

CamdenLeisurePirate · 14/03/2023 10:31

StopGo · 14/03/2023 10:11

@TropicalH20 you have been made aware of a safeguarding issue.
You work in safeguarding so can't use ignorance as a defence so you are professionally on very dodgy ground.

You have a legal duty to report the incident and it needs to be done this morning.

Totally agree with this. You are knowingly failing to report a safeguarding concern.

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:43

From the bits you’ve said this sounds like an escalation of abuse…your partner needs to get on top of this ASAP. This could get much worse.

if he started by yanking her arm and now he has smacked her then god knows where it could go. It never ends with one smack of abuse has been building.

Original poster

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 11:03

Lovinmyblanket · 14/03/2023 08:57

I assume reporting it means contact ending, so no weekends at his, him taking her to school so your dp can get to work. The loss of shared childcare must seem huge, easier to go with the minimising isn't it?
(obviously I'm not saying that's right, just thinking through what her thought processes might be about not reporting)

No you are right because I think this is the exact reason why my DP hasn't yet disclosed and left other things from her DD dad

OP posts:

Original poster

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 11:05

Haywirecity · 14/03/2023 09:05

@iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened

It's not illegal in England or N Ireland, I don't think.

No it's not illegal unless it leaves a mark I believe which it did and we have photo evidence. Scotland is different rules I believe.
Even if its legal or not you shouldn't hit a child. To have lost that self control is concerning

OP posts:

DaveyJonesLocker · 14/03/2023 11:08

I'd be calling social services.

Original poster

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 11:36

Cakeandcardio · 14/03/2023 09:21

It's placing quite a lot of parenting on teachers, no? Why should it be the teacher's job? Can't your DP just sort it out herself? There's social work, family Court etc for this sort of thing.

Show quote history

The school is part of a large trust which has a large dedicated safeguarding and pastoral team. So it would not be the teachers themselves dealing with it.

Yes i agree it should be my DP getting a back bone and dealing with it herself because as someone else said SS will do little due to the threshold. So effectively it needs to be my DP saying no to this treatment of her DD and stopping contact until the dad has sort help for his anger issues. Personally this is what i'd do for my child.

OP posts:

Original poster

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 11:44

WorldAtOne · 14/03/2023 10:43

From the bits you’ve said this sounds like an escalation of abuse…your partner needs to get on top of this ASAP. This could get much worse.

if he started by yanking her arm and now he has smacked her then god knows where it could go. It never ends with one smack of abuse has been building.

Yes I'm aware and this was my exact thoughts. Unfortunately I learnt about the cycle of abuse in my personal life. My DP has never had that from parents or partners. I told her this morning its gone from yanking arms to this. Her DD dad has cried and said he won't do it again. I've told her this is exactly what abusers say when they hit partners/children. Her DD is entering preteen years and so of course shes going to have challenging times and therefore he has clearly shown he can't handle this.

I've sent a frank message to my DP this morning stating all this. I've state if they do not do something about it then I will. They have said i'm right but weather or not they will do something. I will give it 1 day to let them do the right thing. If not I will report to whoever needs to be told.

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 14/03/2023 11:45

Do you have the photo on your phone?

Lets be honest here your dp is not going to report this whether it is down to the loss of childcare, her still being controlled by her ex or being afraid of how it will reflect on her. I would worry that she will delete the photo/evidence

You need to report this to Social Services/Police etc Hopefully some of the other family members who were there will also but you must. That poor child

Haywirecity · 14/03/2023 11:50

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 11:05

Show quote history

Sorry, I was just answering someone who was having a go at me that smacking was illegal in the UK. You do whatever you want to do. It's not really something that's preying a lot on my mind, to be honest. Sorry. I hope you sort it out.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 14/03/2023 11:53

I think you need to get that photo and the message from DD on your phone so it can't be deleted.

As it seems your DP is sending her there for childcare reasons, are you able to step in and have the DD when her father would normally have her? If you take that logistical need away then perhaps she will actually step up and do something.

I don't blame you for being angry that she's sent her back there already, the DD has clearly said she doesn't want to go. I'd find that a betrayal of her child that would be very hard to forgive.

What message is that sending?! I know you're scared and hurt, but it makes my life easier so tough, put up with it. The DD will stop telling her DM about it if she carries on like this and things could get very bad.

Takeitonthechin · 14/03/2023 11:56

As the saying goes,"if you don't report it, you must support it".

Original poster

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 17:09

Just an update. DP has spoken to CAHMS and she's also going to speak to the school tonight. Her DD isn't going to his anymore. Cahms have said from what's been disclosed they can't stop contact they are going to call the dad to offer him support.

OP posts:

MaireadMcSweeney · 14/03/2023 17:50

TropicalH20 · 14/03/2023 17:09

CAMHS can't stop contact. Only the parent can stop contact.
however this is a good update.

NewShoes · 14/03/2023 18:51

It’s not the school that needs to know - it’s social services or the police. That’s who the school would pass this on to, and I’m not sure exactly what you expect the school to do…

Greensleeves · 14/03/2023 18:57

I think many pp are wrong to say that telling the school is inappropriate. Schools have established safeguarding procedures, contacts and named leads, they know their way around the system and are used to making referrals; using them as a point of contact for a safeguarding problem with one of their pupils is completely sensible and expected, even if the issue is outside school.

OP, if I were you I would make the call myself. Either to the school or to SS. I appreciate the difficult position you are in, but somebody has to do the right thing and keep this child safe.

purplecorkheart · 14/03/2023 20:37

Sorry op but you need to report to social services as well. Your dp is not going to and I strongly suspect that she will minimise it to the school and Camhs. She is only calling because you threated to do so.Be the person you would have liked to have in your corner when you were that child.

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