To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

Wow, you sound like you think you know an awful lot about their relationship, but it isn't really any of your business to decide who she should or shouldnt marry? You have probably only heard negative things because people dont tend to gush everyday about how amazing their relationship is.You must have come across quite rude for your colleague to say something to you, I am going to assume this is a running theme with you and people have noticed it before and they have finally been spurred on to say something.
Your posts sound a bit bitter and jealous.

I have absolutely explained why it is an oxymoron, if you can't understand my explanation or read between the lines then I suggest you read up on the meaning of marriage!

If you are in a partnership why should you as a woman have to enter a marriage for economic protection, why is the State involved in your romantic relationships by indirectly affording people who are married an economic advantage? Marriage has roots in the patriarchy those don't change because you as a 'feminist' have got married! I am married and I mostly married for romantic reasons, but it was also to ensure my economic security but I'm not kidding myself that it is a feminist marriage as that is a contradiction in itself in my mind.

Name me an institution in the modern world that has not arisen as a result of the patriarchy??? Every single one of them has because patriarchy to date has been the dominant force in our society. It is sixth form level debating to say a feminist marriage is an oxymoron. There are very good arguments as a feminist especially one with children to marry as it enshrines your rights against your husband in law. Particularly as the state has resolved historical disadvantages to the female in married couples. Marriage should be promoted to women with children. The current trend for having a family outside marriage is incredibly regressive as it leaves the mother and children generally disproportionately vulnerable in the event of relationship breakdown, it does not recognise contribution to the family of a non working or part time working mother and leaves the man free of any legal responsibility bar the absolute minimum financial contribution required by the state.

But you’re both saying the same thing @Eyerollcentral.

Eyerollcentral, dismiss it as 6th form level debating all you like but belittling that argument does not by default make your argument correct. Besides, 6th formers often have more radical ground breaking beliefs and are more inclined to strive for the 'ideal' rather than have their views informed by life experience that gets weighted down with a hefty dose of cynicism. The cynicism being the end on itself.

What is wrong with wanting to achieve the economic protection without entering marriage, developing original ways to govern rather than patching up broken patriarchal systems as that's what your proposal is based on the rational that's all we have to work with!

I was once booted off of someones facebook when I didn't congratulated her on her engagement (as in: if you can't say something kind then say nothing). They broke up a few months later, which anyone with half a brain could see coming.

‘…rather than have their views informed by life experience that gets weighted down with a hefty dose of cynicism. The cynicism being the end on itself’ or as I see it they don’t have the benefit of knowing what the real world is like and how people actually tend to operate in it. It’s important to aim for high ideals, I agree with you, but schemes built upon them often falter because they fail to take in to account how people really are and really behave.
‘What is wrong with wanting to achieve the economic protection without entering marriage, developing original ways to govern’ I suppose civil partnerships are an example. I would be intrigued as to how anyone could be economically protected without requiring another party to bear responsibility to them and how that could be achieved without establishing some kind of contractual arrangement between them.

This is so hilariously petty, imagine actually scrolling your friends list to cross check who has congratulated you!!! Some people go bonkers when the engagement klaxon goes off.

A contractual agreement isn't marriage.

Being cynical about people's behaviour and habits is all very well for commenting on but what about solutions.

I don't think you qualify as a feminist if you think we should all conform to the ideas of the universal woman. I honestly don't see what the colleague's choices have to do with the OP. If you think it will fuck up, the stats are probably on your side but if/when that happens are you going to withhold your compassion as you knew this would happen all along!

Agree! i think about the only person who could get away with saying that to me maybe be my mum, if say my sister got engaged.

But not a work colleague!

A contractual agreement isn't marriage.

That's literally exactly what it is.

You were mean and rude.

Marriage is a contractual agreement?
‘I don't think you qualify as a feminist if you think we should all conform to the ideas of the universal woman’ I don’t think women should conform to an idea of a universal woman. The reality is that women with young children so the bulk of child care and this has a negative effect on their ability to work and earn which can take years to resolve and they may never catch up.

Some of the responses on this thread are mental. I was starting to think the dictionary obsessed poster was the engaged woman from the story, or the colleague that pulled the op aside!

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman I don’t think you did anything wrong. I wouldn’t be able to conjure up that much enthusiasm for someone I don’t know that well. I don’t think you sounded rude either.

I’ve had a manager in the past who totally would have pulled someone up for not reacting the way she deemed correct. She was a total control freak!

Yes of course we’ve all done it. My son said he was at a concert recently he wasn’t particularly enjoying but joined in all the arm swaying etc because he didn’t want to be a douche in front of his friends. That’s understandable as he’d gone with a friend group and you don’t want to be the only one standing stoney faced and complaining. But if someone he didn’t know particularly well was in the group and told him off for not being ‘effusive’ enough he’d have probably had a few choice words to say.

You seem to know a lot about her, her relationship and her partner for someone who don't know all that well in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbf some people are drama llamas and totally over share at work. I’ve had people spilling their guts in tears in my office who I barely knew and actually sometimes it’s easier for some people to offload to work colleagues who are at a remove from their lives. Sounds like the woman the OP is describing is one of those who needs zero encouragement to tell you everything

Totally agree with this, you can overhear so much! I work in a large open plan office and I know all the details about one woman’s endometriosis, despite only speaking to her a handful of times. I know that one man was adopted and I know the name of a guy another woman had a one night stand with last weekend. I could not tell you when any of these peoples birthdays are, their favourite foods, what music they’re into.

@Sugarfish @Eyerollcentral Noise cancelling headphones are your friend. We have over-sharers at work, but if I don't care to listen then I just block them out and let them blather on to people who are interested.

I mean in my personal office, a separate room not an open plan office. I’m not rude enough to put a big pair of overhead earphones on whilst someone in crying across my desk at me, although I often wish I was! Some people just like to involve the world and their wife in their relationship dramas, same way the new fiancée wanted to involve everyone in her engagement.

Your posts suggest otherwise- the OP is showing upset over this woman not conforming to what she thinks is an acceptable way to think and behave as a woman and you agree with her.

A marriage is not a contract in my mind, you old romantic you!

I am not really bothered either way get married/don't get married, I am just failing to understand why the OP gets to be so sanctimonious about it all.

😂😂😂

How is "congratulations, very exciting" mean & rude?

She knows that her fiance makes her cry at work.
That's not "a lot about her", but it's enough.

I don't know much about her or her relationship but I know enough. When someone is reduced to tears by her partner because he has called her rude names for going out to a work event, you know he's not a keeper!

I can't for the life of me see what's controversial about that. Leaving my views about marriage and engagement out of it for one moment surely people can agree on that? If you actually think this is normal behaviour between couples there's something wrong.

@Eyerollcentral Ok fair enough, even I might find that a little too passive-aggressive

Over the years I've perfected the art of either zoning out, or immediately forgetting, any office chat that doesn't spark joy in me. I'm the Marie Kondo of workplace gossip.