To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

I have never, in my middle-aged adult life, been spoken to by another adult about my tone or enthusiasm for a situation. I have never spoken about the same to another adult. I really did not think that this was unusual. Some pp are giving the impression that this is a fairly frequent occurrence and they might want to consider if in fact they are the common denominator.

I don't talk to my work colleagues about my relationship.

We've talked about this a lot and neither of us wants marriage. If that ever were to change it would be for practical reasons only (such as inheritance) and there wouldn't ever be a proposal.

Yeah, it's weird that some people find it so difficult to imagine that you might either not want to get married, or get married without all the expensive, attention-seeking hoopla.

We got married for practical reasons and most of our friends/ family didn't know for years. Some still don't.

Also loving that poster's complete inability to imagine a mutual adult decision to get married that doesn't hinge on The Important Man Proposal.

It’s a personal matter. You’re at work. You don’t need to be overly interested or pleased. You were polite. There’s no issue. The person that spoke to you about this is a dick and I’d have told them so, politely of course.

Like you, I couldn’t muster much enthusiasm for a woman getting engaged to someone that she’s cried and complained about and that she’s likely to have an unhappy life with.

But if you are saying people lack the imagination to think not everyone wants an 'attention seeking' aka celebratory wedding ceremony then you are as lacking in imagination as them as you can't get your head around why anyone wouldn't want marriage to be anything other than a contract to ensure financial security- not exactly romantic but horses for courses!

Have you never cried in a relationship or over a man, I have, quite a few and I wouldn't call myself a victim. I'm pretty emotional as a person. Your colleague may be making the wrong decision but without knowing her beyond the colleague relationship how do you know all the detail. At the end of the day she is an adult, all the weary cynicism is an end in itself which is not exactly helpful to her in any way. Equally, where the hell do you work where women are declaring they are looking forward to showing their partners photos of the ring, thie tale seems a touch embellished.

Rejecting weddings because you think they're all about princess dresses and flowers is just as daft as getting married for the same reasons.

Of course I have (though I would never do that at work). But if I’d been sufficiently upset to do this in front of colleagues I wouldn’t expect them to suspend their disbelief and be rapturously happy if I later announced I was marrying the bloke who made me feel like shit.

I don’t reject all weddings. I quite enjoy them. But tradition weddings with white dresses and the gubbins that goes with them are pretty naff in my view. It’s a bit of a digression and not really the point but I can’t help the way I feel.

Why should she be happy for some who's marrying a total arsehole?

Well OP, get married 'practically' and with no fuss then. Or not. Who is stopping you doing anything?

People can do what they want. This is a non-issue surely?

'Woman in office engaged and has ring."

So what?

You don’t like engagement rings and see traditional weddings as naff - fine, totally okay to hold those views but alongside that it’s also appropriate to appreciate that many many women love receiving an engagement ring and having a traditional wedding. So hold the views without being a total dick about it as you come across as thinking you’re so much better than us thickos who like those things.

love my rings and the knowledge something so sentimental will be handed down through my family. Also love my wedding dress and wedding day memories celebrating traditionally with my family that I still hold 19 years later.

You can also be happy for someone without wanting the same experience.dbil and dsil just had a baby and I’m so happy for them (also very very happy my baby days are done).

pinkyredrose, equally, why should she not be happy for this colleague- what difference does it make to her life if she isn't a friend just a colleague. At the moment this just reads as condemnation of a silly child like woman who falls short of being the universal woman along with the other desperate 'ring' groupies i.e why doesn't she think and act how women are supposed to in this political landscape, moderate her enthusiasm for bling and romance in relationships and stop being so pathetic, how very dare she!

She should not be happy for this colleague because she is walking into a life of marital abuse.

It doesn't read like any kind of condemnation, apart from of the colleague's fiance.

How can you possibly know that from reading a thread and from the word of the OP who seems to only be a colleague. Equally, not being happy makes it about the OP, if she genuinely cared, she'd show compassion for her colleague, not the obvious disdain she feels towards her because the colleague doesn't live up to her notion of an acceptable woman in thoughts and actions.

and there wouldn't ever be a proposal.

But surely, even saying "let's get married" is a proposal? It doesn't have to be a performance proposal, just a quick question.

It's hardly a mystery, it;'s right there in the very second paragraph -
The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

How did you fail to see it?

The person who doesn't live up to OP's notion of an acceptable human is the colleague's partner. She's expressed concern about her, not disdain toward her.

I like you OP. You've got your head screwed on right.

I'm flabbergsted that MN, which you would think would be a woman-centred place, is taking a women to task because she didn't fake paroxysms of joy at the news that her colleague is to marry an abusive partner.

A few years ago I had a colleague who announced that he was going to marry his boyfriend. I happened to know that the relationship was a very volatile one and not especially happy. But I hid my doubts and fawned and faked gushing smiles so I could 'be kind' and all the other crap PPs on here are saying you should have done. Less than 6 month after the wedding my colleague ended up in hospital after a domestic violence situation. I wish I had been more vocal with my concerns rather than indirectly enabling an abusive relationship in the name of 'being polite'.

But it sounds like that's basically what OP did? Congratulations, brief positive comment and then getting on with her work. Sounds a perfectly polite and appropriate response to a colleague with some personal news.

As described, I don't see what the problem is.

And also, this kind of shit reminds me why WFH is so appealing!

What a sanctimonious & ignorant comment. You clearly associate a lack of enthusiasm for marriage with some kind of man-hating stance.

OP's in a happy relationship. She just doesn't want to marry.

In my 20s - head of another department left his two primary aged kids with me - never told me what he was doing just has expectation I would entertain them. I was working to a very tight deadline as well so not a great day and I had little experience of kids and was very shy and quiet.

I was rescued by lovely guy in managers department taking pity on us all - but the manager publicly in front of entire office told me off for not being enthusiastic about teaching his daughters about tech careers - my team leader came over with noise and defended me.

I've also been told off about lack of enthusiasm about Christmas parties - I hate them people get drunk and are jerks and one I got stuck with a large unexpected bill. I've also been told off about lack of enthusiasm about evening compulsory social events in my own time.

I'm not sure if it's motherhood or age but I do seem to have developed a don't fucking dare expression and people don't try this any more.

As far as I can see Op you were socially polite - so I can only assume you need to cultivate a don't fuck with me attitude with this colleague who was telling you off.

A lot of adults in equal relationships have a discussion and agree to get married (or not), rather than one person proposing to the other.