Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she right?

79 replies

Rosebel · 12/03/2023 22:13

My DS can be quite challenging at times but he's 2 so understandable. He's starting hitting (thankfully not at nursery). When he does this DH and I say no firmly and he must use kind hands. DS has very limited language but he does understand this.
However today after he hit me I said no and possibly said it more grumpily than usual as he'd hit me earlier too.
DD16 is instantly on my back saying I'm horrible and telling DS off made him cry. Why do I always make him cry? She went on and on, I told her he needs to be told no at times and that she actually needs to say no to him at times (she never does even if he hits her).
Eventually I got cross with her and explained it's hard looking after a 2 year old and he needs boundaries. She responded with I never look after him. I stick him in nursery all the time. She asked why I had him as I didn't look after him and was mean when I d8.
I cried afterwards (not in front of her) because I do feel guilty putting him in nursery. It's not a choice he goes to nursery so I can work and he mostly loves it there.
I have had similar comments from colleagues which upset me enough but hearing it from DD hurt much more.
Is it a normal 16 year old thing to say? Is it really bad to have a child in nursery for 35 hours a week? Isn't it normal? Just for the record DD didn't go to nursery until she was 21/2 and only 2 days a week until she got free hours so I don't think it's down to resentment. Or do you think DD is maybe right?

OP posts:
LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 22:16

No she’s not right and I hope she eats her words when she has children.

Dacadactyl · 12/03/2023 22:18

Well I'm no fan of nurseries personally, BUT id hazard a guess youre using childcare because you have no other options.

Also, 16 year old girls can be NASTY, so she is just looking for a reaction from you.

pinkstripeycat · 12/03/2023 22:20

That’s a long time to be in nursery

Flowersinmai · 12/03/2023 22:21

She’s 16. Id be calmly explaining that she isn’t an adult - you are and her comments are unwelcome.

Skinnermarink · 12/03/2023 22:22

pinkstripeycat · 12/03/2023 22:20

That’s a long time to be in nursery

It’s about the same or a bit less than a working week isn’t it? So go figure. Why do you think that might be, bright spark?

Botw1 · 12/03/2023 22:24

Of course she's not right.

You really need to ask why you're letting a child with fuck all parenting experience lecture you on parenting.

Sounds like it's not only the 2 yo who you need to teach about boundaries

Sapphire387 · 12/03/2023 22:26

She's not right. She's a 16yo who thinks she knows it all. But obviously she has sod all life experience and zero parenting experience. She sounds really rude tbh.

DiddyHeck · 12/03/2023 22:27

Why are you arguing with a 16 year old who knows fuck all about raising kids?

Tell her to butt out.

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 22:27

Tell her to stfu and get back to you if/when she has a kid lol

Skinnermarink · 12/03/2023 22:28

Nasty little madam! She wants to rile you up, 16 year old girls would pick a fight with their own shadow at times. Don’t pander to her.

mintbiscuit · 12/03/2023 22:28

Teenagers can be real dicks. Ignore.

VyeBrator · 12/03/2023 22:28

Skinnermarink · 12/03/2023 22:22

It’s about the same or a bit less than a working week isn’t it? So go figure. Why do you think that might be, bright spark?

Show quote history

That was a bit of an arsey reply to the PP there.

Working week or not, doesn't change that it is quite a long time for a child.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 22:32

Why on earth are you tolerating your 16 year old child being so disrespectful to you? The ignorant little princess needs to be put in her place, sharpish.

EmmiJay · 12/03/2023 22:32

I bet she's heard you voice your concern over the nursery thing and is using it to sting you. Teenage girls can be quite vicious with their words I feel (oldest sister here with two younger sisters and we all went to a girls' school so I know!😵‍💫) Ignore her. When/if shes a parent to her own little Tasmanian devil in a pull up she'll understand lol

willow7612 · 12/03/2023 22:32

Of course she's not right. My youngest DC was in nursery for 9.5 hours a day at that age as we needed to work and provide for them. They were also told no when needed.

However, teenage girls are experts in everything. I'd just make a sarcastic comment about wishing you had her wealth of parenting experience if I couldn't resist reacting at all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/03/2023 22:33

Well what are you supposed to do with children when you work then? And as for the 16yo maybe point out how much you spend on her that she wouldn't get if you didn't work.

Skinnermarink · 12/03/2023 22:34

If it sounded arsey it was because I meant it to. OP states that she feels guilty about the child being in nursery for those hours, but she’s working. Like lots of us. I’m sure we’d all love to be frolicking around at home and not using hours of childcare but we are are working to bring in a wage. One earner is no longer enough for just households, it’s not 1993.

Bunce1 · 12/03/2023 22:35

Paid her no mind- she’s wrong and she said it to wound. I would tell her so too. That was an unkind thing to say to me meant to make me feel shitty about our choices. I’d want an apology from her.

Original poster
Rosebel · 12/03/2023 22:46

I know it's a long week but unfortunately I have to work. My 16 year old can be absolutely lovely and adores her brother but she can also be quite horrible.
I spoke to her a little while ago and she attempted to start again so I simply said as suggested she can get back to me when she has a 2 year old.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 12/03/2023 22:46

I’m going against the grain and saying that your 16dd may not have parenting experience but she isn’t being nasty, she’s speaking from her heart. Some nasty comments about teenagers here incidentally. No wonder so many people have problems with their teenagers when their observations are minimised and they called vile names like ‘little madam’. 🙄

Your 2 year old will react emotionally when he’s getting used to the transition between nursery and home. He is figuring out where his attachments and stable carers are, and he’ll do that by kicking off and testing boundaries. Your 16 year has a point. You need to make sure your boundaries are strong but equalised by love, attention and patience.

VyeBrator · 12/03/2023 22:50

Skinnermarink · 12/03/2023 22:34

If it sounded arsey it was because I meant it to. OP states that she feels guilty about the child being in nursery for those hours, but she’s working. Like lots of us. I’m sure we’d all love to be frolicking around at home and not using hours of childcare but we are are working to bring in a wage. One earner is no longer enough for just households, it’s not 1993.

I completely get that 100%

But it doesn't change the fact it is quite a long time.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 12/03/2023 23:12

Sounds like a real juggling act in your house at the moment Op (like many)!
I really feel for you
Setting boundaries is hard , particularly between 2 children

Not what you asked so feel free to ignore, but often 2 year olds hit their ‘safe people’ for connection.
Because for them, any attention is better than none, even being told off.

Often, a simple reminder, eg ‘stop hitting, it hurts’ then offering a cuddle and dedicating some time to play / read a story or something to help build a positive connection should reduce the hitting over time
failing that a run somewhere always helps improve the mood of my LO!
even better if you can explain to the 16yo that the 2yo needs some time to play and they also step in to help!

hope things settle down for you all 💐

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 12/03/2023 23:16

VyeBrator · 12/03/2023 22:28

That was a bit of an arsey reply to the PP there.

Working week or not, doesn't change that it is quite a long time for a child.

Show quote history

Not really quite a long time though is it? The equivalent of 8am to 3pm each day. So just like a school day. Would you also say that's quite a long time for 3 year olds in full time nursery, or 4 year olds in full time reception. Give over. People have to work. The kids who get dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm are the ones there for a long time, not 35 hours a week.

VyeBrator · 12/03/2023 23:44

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 12/03/2023 23:16

Not really quite a long time though is it? The equivalent of 8am to 3pm each day. So just like a school day. Would you also say that's quite a long time for 3 year olds in full time nursery, or 4 year olds in full time reception. Give over. People have to work. The kids who get dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm are the ones there for a long time, not 35 hours a week.

Show quote history

Needs must - obviously and absolutely.

But for a 2 year old, yes I really do think 8am to 3pm is a long while.

Nowt most parents can do about it though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2023 23:51

pinkstripeycat · 12/03/2023 22:20

That’s a long time to be in nursery

I think it's fairly standard for a 2 yo isn't it? Unless you're a SAHP realistically that's a pretty short working day with travelling time.

Some people on here seem to think working mums are the equivalent of leaving them out for the wolves though.