Is she right?

[Rosebel]

My DS can be quite challenging at times but he's 2 so understandable. He's starting hitting (thankfully not at nursery). When he does this DH and I say no firmly and he must use kind hands. DS has very limited language but he does understand this.
However today after he hit me I said no and possibly said it more grumpily than usual as he'd hit me earlier too.
DD16 is instantly on my back saying I'm horrible and telling DS off made him cry. Why do I always make him cry? She went on and on, I told her he needs to be told no at times and that she actually needs to say no to him at times (she never does even if he hits her).
Eventually I got cross with her and explained it's hard looking after a 2 year old and he needs boundaries. She responded with I never look after him. I stick him in nursery all the time. She asked why I had him as I didn't look after him and was mean when I d8.
I cried afterwards (not in front of her) because I do feel guilty putting him in nursery. It's not a choice he goes to nursery so I can work and he mostly loves it there.
I have had similar comments from colleagues which upset me enough but hearing it from DD hurt much more.
Is it a normal 16 year old thing to say? Is it really bad to have a child in nursery for 35 hours a week? Isn't it normal? Just for the record DD didn't go to nursery until she was 21/2 and only 2 days a week until she got free hours so I don't think it's down to resentment. Or do you think DD is maybe right?

35 hours is very normal. Mine do closer to 45 and are fine. It's nursery, they're not down the mines, they're playing and napping and eating healthier food than they do at home.

16 year olds know nothing, I'm sure at 16 I thought it was terrible for kids without a SAHP. While also planning my career

Consider a chat with her. "If I didn't work, this is what we wouldn't be able to afford", and why we give out to toddlers - so that they grow up to become well behaved, functional members of society.

Rude. Being a SAHM is not "frolicking around". And I saved up money before I had kids so I could do this, thanks very much 🫡

I think it's very easy to stand back and watch someone else parenting and feel bad for the child. She obviously adores him and wants everything for him to be happy ever after. I am like that with my gcs. I only want everyone to love them but of course a parent has to put their foot down sometimes or the child would run riot.
As for the nursery you are doing your best and l am sure she needs money from you so it's just life for a working mom so just ignore her.

You saved up enough to be a SAHM until school years? That’s fantastic, you are very privileged. Many parents aren’t able to do this and get on the property ladder prior to having children.

Not to mention that many of us have zero interest in doing so. No one ever judges men for working, but the tone is always there when discussing mothers who work, even on here.

The only 'perfect parent' is someone who isn't a parent. Couple that with being a teenager who thinks they know everything and you have just the right mix of unwanted opinion being thrown at you...

You're their mother and you know what is best for your circumstances. Don't let a girl who has no life experience sway your instinct.

Both kids turning on you at the same time Op, that must have so difficult for you. ♥️♥️
Your 16 year old won’t understand your reasons for doing what you are doing until she pays all of her own bills and tries to juggle parenting two children. I agree with posters who say she was trying to hurt you and she probably knew this was an easy option. I also agree that 35 hours in childcare is a lot- but like you said, you have to work so there you go. It’s absolutely true your 2 year old needs to be told no, so ignore your daughter- it’s not her say until she’s the parent. In a very round about way, it’s nice that she clearly adores her little brother but I’m sorry that was a hard time for you to manage.

This thread is wild.

35 hours in nursery is really not that big a deal. I struggle to understand why people get so het up about this. Children have been going to be looked after by other people while their parents worked (in whatever capacity) since the dawn of time. It's really not a big deal.

And a two year old who is hitting and gets told off... well, here's the world's tiniest violin. Hitting isn't okay and I know a million people will come on here and say we just tell our "little man that he must use gentle hands" blah blah blah, but that is not, in fact, how the real world works for most people and a firmer stance, with consequences, is usually needed.

Re the nursery issue, I'm a lone parent, my son is in nursery 48 hours a week, we go to the park after nursery every day when the weather is nice, we do fun stuff on weekends, he adores nursery, has strong relationships with his friends and the staff, and I don't feel guilty at all. It had allowed me to build a bigger pension, pay for a nicer house for us to live in, go to festivals, eat decent food etc, and he sees that his mum is hard working. It's easy to feel guilty about these things and I'm sure some people will think I'm awful putting him in nursery for that long but it works for us and that's all that matters.

What an earth are you letting a 16 year old child tell you how to parent for?!

I'd take a really firm line on that and make sure she understands that its completely unacceptable for her to criticise or offer 'advice'. Quite honestly I can't imagine the unbelievable cheek of her. 😮It totally undermines you and worse of all your 2 year old will soon pick up on it and try and play favourite or get his sister on his 'side' over issues, it'll turn everything into a debate instead of your word being listened to.

@WindowGazers my son is at the childminders for 45 hours a week, so pretty similar. Lots of people I know work full time, it's only the super wealthy mums I know who can afford not to.

😆😆😆 she’s 16. She’ll learn. Ignore her. She’s not right.

I think that was a very hurtful remark from your daughter and I would be telling her it too.

She's old enough to speak to you so frankly?
She's old enough to be told how unkind it sounded.

Bills have to be paid and you are doing your best.

You are absolutely correct to be saying kind hands firmly to your child.
He needs to learn this.

Otherwise he will think it is ok and you will have a real problem.

I think it is very important to be supportive of one's children, but believe it is a mistake to allow them to think we have no feelings and can be used as an emotional punching bag.

We do them no favours long term as they can think they can be similarly cavalier with the feelings of others and they invariably get a very rude awakening when others will not tolerate it.

DD16 is instantly on my back saying I'm horrible and telling DS off made him cry. Why do I always make him cry? She went on and on, I told her he needs to be told no at times and that she actually needs to say no to him at times (she never does even if he hits her).

Tell her to pipe down until she knows anything about working for a living or raising children. Say it sarcastically - don't let her see that he needling has hit home, or she'll keep doing it. She'll grow out of it - she's just got the mid-teen instinct for aiming for the jugular.

It shouldn't really be a choice though, should it? The welfare state isnt there to prop up lifestyle choices.

well op are you making him cry too much, she's obviously an overprotective big sister but she has no right to throw his nursery hours back in your face

How else could OP work?

It's not ok to suggest that only higher earners should be allowed to breed.

She sounds like she’s niggling you as she knows it gets to you.
Can you have a chat when it’s just 2 of you.
Parenting inc hard parts like saying no. Being an adult includes working. When she’s a mum she can make her own decisions.
I’m sure she’d be first to moan if no food/prom dress/ trips etc.

Maybe say no to everything and make her cry for a week then she knows it’s not just him! Joking.
Or suggest now she’s 16 she pays keep and you’ll knock a day off at work. Bet she alters her tune.

Do you think I should not tell him off when he hits me then? Just smile and say oh you can hit me if you want to. FFS.
DD did free hours although it was 15 not 30.

Try talking to him? Try new techniques! Stop shouting and responding with anger and see what happens

Because teenagers never say unreasonable and immature things? Oh, come ON.

35 hours a week?!???? Bloody hell. Sorry, but you did ask.

So never mind the fact that you've put your child in nursery for nearly fifty hours, as long as you can live it up when you're retired is what you're saying? I didn't know Nurseries would even accept children for that long