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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she right?

79 replies

Rosebel · 12/03/2023 22:13

My DS can be quite challenging at times but he's 2 so understandable. He's starting hitting (thankfully not at nursery). When he does this DH and I say no firmly and he must use kind hands. DS has very limited language but he does understand this.
However today after he hit me I said no and possibly said it more grumpily than usual as he'd hit me earlier too.
DD16 is instantly on my back saying I'm horrible and telling DS off made him cry. Why do I always make him cry? She went on and on, I told her he needs to be told no at times and that she actually needs to say no to him at times (she never does even if he hits her).
Eventually I got cross with her and explained it's hard looking after a 2 year old and he needs boundaries. She responded with I never look after him. I stick him in nursery all the time. She asked why I had him as I didn't look after him and was mean when I d8.
I cried afterwards (not in front of her) because I do feel guilty putting him in nursery. It's not a choice he goes to nursery so I can work and he mostly loves it there.
I have had similar comments from colleagues which upset me enough but hearing it from DD hurt much more.
Is it a normal 16 year old thing to say? Is it really bad to have a child in nursery for 35 hours a week? Isn't it normal? Just for the record DD didn't go to nursery until she was 21/2 and only 2 days a week until she got free hours so I don't think it's down to resentment. Or do you think DD is maybe right?

OP posts:
Zola1 · 12/03/2023 23:52

Sometimes my eldest gets too involved with the behaviour management of the little ones (2 & 4). She's like yours, says we are mean etc. It's coming from a place of love, like yours I imagine. They love their younger siblings, dote on them, and feel fiercely protective of them. Combine this with a teenage strong sense of morality, and a lack of understanding of the need for boundaries and rules, and you have a perfect storm. I just say to mine 'I know you love her, thanks for the input, I'm the adult so I'll do the parenting'.

NEmama · 13/03/2023 07:14

The "free hours" didn't exist when your dd was that age. I have a y6 DC. The "free hours" were brought in the year she started school.

Full days in nursery are necessary to work.
Bills have to be paid.
Teenagers can be brutal.
Can your dd help out with him at all?

blebbleb · 13/03/2023 07:16

Most parents have to work now. My son is at childcare longer than that. Your daughter is very cheeky to speak to her mother like that!

Aftjbtibg · 13/03/2023 07:23

My first DD at 2 went full time and my current 2 year old goes 35 hours a week; in the past I had to work full time and now I have to do 4 days. A lot of my friends are the same; some might get family support but most of us have no choice but to work. Even if I didn’t have to I would want to as my career is important and I want my children to see that a woman can do both.
We also have a teenager and honestly they have no idea what they’re talking about and if ours comments on how yer younger siblings are treated then I say well this is why we do this but she doesn’t get to have a go at us about it and I’d have shut down that conversation saying that if she wants a respectful conversation then fine but she’s not a parent and hasn’t brought children up.

America12 · 13/03/2023 07:37

pinkstripeycat · 12/03/2023 22:20

That’s a long time to be in nursery

People have to work unfortunately

londonrach · 13/03/2023 07:39

She 16 you the parent tell her that and she's wrong. Re the 35 hours that is alot but take it you working and only thing you can do re childcare.

Fuckityfuckfuck123 · 13/03/2023 07:56

Ouch, that was really spiteful, and completely wrong of her.
TBH I'd tell her, OK well our finances change drastically if I'm not at work. Maybe I should spend all day with him, and we can have more fun, and you can deal with the drastic drop in lifestyle.

You're doing your best, and you don't need that shit.

Its really easy to bring up children perfectly, until those children are living, breathing, hair pulling machines...she might do well to remember that before she has children of her own

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 13/03/2023 07:59

VyeBrator · 12/03/2023 22:28

That was a bit of an arsey reply to the PP there.

Working week or not, doesn't change that it is quite a long time for a child.

Show quote history

this

35 hours is a LONG time for a 2 year old. Would you be able to work part-time an perhaps claim something as well?

Emmamoo89 · 13/03/2023 08:00

Nope she's wrong. He needs telling when he hits you

takealettermsjones · 13/03/2023 08:06

Haha wait until she has a child and says "oh I'd never dream of putting him in nursery for that long... Mum can you have him" 😆

RichardHeed · 13/03/2023 08:18

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 13/03/2023 07:59

this

35 hours is a LONG time for a 2 year old. Would you be able to work part-time an perhaps claim something as well?

Show quote history

Ah yes. Sacrifice your career and financial stability and become a drain on the welfare state, because some random woman on the internet passes judgement. Christ almighty.

AllOfThemWitches · 13/03/2023 08:22

What's the point in comments about 'draining the welfare state?' Lots of people don't earn enough to pay for childcare and have no choice but to claim benefits.

Dumpruntime · 13/03/2023 08:23

I’d say there was something more to this, and not just he goes to nursery as you need to work. Do you ask her to care for him, are you quite snappy, there is clearly another issue.

Brefugee · 13/03/2023 08:25

she is not right and she deserves to hear the truth.
Tell her how much she wouldn't have if you didn't work. And send her the way of some good, solid feminist literature.
How much does she do around the house?

as for pp saying OP might like to cut hours and claim? get in the sea.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/03/2023 08:28

NEmama · 13/03/2023 07:14

The "free hours" didn't exist when your dd was that age. I have a y6 DC. The "free hours" were brought in the year she started school.

Full days in nursery are necessary to work.
Bills have to be paid.
Teenagers can be brutal.
Can your dd help out with him at all?

I thought this.

maddening · 13/03/2023 08:29

SomePeopleAreJustBloodyStupid · 13/03/2023 07:59

this

35 hours is a LONG time for a 2 year old. Would you be able to work part-time an perhaps claim something as well?

Show quote history

What on earth do you think they are doing in childcare? She hasn't sent him to the mines or out in the fields to work.

He is playing with other dc, having naps, having lunch and playing some more, looked after by trained carers in a child safe and enriched environment. They will even rotate things like messy play.etc and go on walks in the park, in the summer they have an outdoor play area.

OP yanbhu, you dd is a typical "know it all" teen - we have all been teens once - and we all (as long as we continued to have personal growth) can look back on cringy "know it all " moments where we have since learnt more and continued to develop our knowledge, understanding, social awareness and attitude.

gazpachosoupday · 13/03/2023 08:30

NEmama · 13/03/2023 07:14

The "free hours" didn't exist when your dd was that age. I have a y6 DC. The "free hours" were brought in the year she started school.

Full days in nursery are necessary to work.
Bills have to be paid.
Teenagers can be brutal.
Can your dd help out with him at all?

I dont think this is right I have a 10 year old and he had them

Mariposa26 · 13/03/2023 08:31

RichardHeed · 13/03/2023 08:18

Ah yes. Sacrifice your career and financial stability and become a drain on the welfare state, because some random woman on the internet passes judgement. Christ almighty.

Show quote history

100% this!

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 13/03/2023 08:31

RichardHeed · 13/03/2023 08:18

Ah yes. Sacrifice your career and financial stability and become a drain on the welfare state, because some random woman on the internet passes judgement. Christ almighty.

Show quote history

Ridiculous isn't it

maddening · 13/03/2023 08:31

NEmama · 13/03/2023 07:14

The "free hours" didn't exist when your dd was that age. I have a y6 DC. The "free hours" were brought in the year she started school.

Full days in nursery are necessary to work.
Bills have to be paid.
Teenagers can be brutal.
Can your dd help out with him at all?

I have a 12 year old - there were free hours already when he was born, it wasn't new then even.

Maray1967 · 13/03/2023 08:32

Botw1 · 12/03/2023 22:24

Of course she's not right.

You really need to ask why you're letting a child with fuck all parenting experience lecture you on parenting.

Sounds like it's not only the 2 yo who you need to teach about boundaries

Exactly this. She’s being a know it all teenager. I recognise it - I was one. My mother had the patience of a saint but I got a bollocking at times and yours needs one too.

NEmama · 13/03/2023 08:33

The "30 free hours " definitely didn't start until my DD was in reception. She got 15 at school nursery 15 hours before that. Just to clarify.

Bumply · 13/03/2023 08:36

Full time nursery care is a reality for many.
Mine were at nursery from 6 months because I worked full time, earned more than my partner, but not enough for him to be a SAHD and although I loved my boys I was not cut out to be a SAHM even if we could have afforded it.
2 year olds need to learn the word no. There's plenty of posts from people complaining they don't like to be around other people's children where their behaviour is not under control.
16 year olds are not known for their empathy and some think they are right about everything despite the lack of experience in anything.
Hold fast to the knowledge you are doing what's right for you and your family.

furryfrontbottom · 13/03/2023 08:44

Maybe your daughter should volunteer to drop out of school and look after the two year old? No, thought not.

britneybitch23 · 13/03/2023 09:02

furryfrontbottom · 13/03/2023 08:44

Maybe your daughter should volunteer to drop out of school and look after the two year old? No, thought not.

Are you smoking crack?

Has it occurred to any one that perhaps she does make her two year old cry too much????

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