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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends critically ill child

89 replies

Schnappydoodle · 12/03/2023 21:20

Ok so NC for this and aiming not to drip feed.
One of my oldest friends children currently fighting for their life in ICU. They don't have many answers yet but she is ventilated and has several failed extubations. Probable organ failure but no diagnosis/plan.
Question is what should/could I do? I've thought of meal prepping/cleaning helping with other childcare/doing online food shopping but I don't want to do the wrong thing. I have read similar threads on here before and am paranoid about invading privacy, overstepping the mark judging by previous responses on other threads.

Another friend has suggested a care bundle for her while she is almost 24/7 resident at the hospital, thermos flask, nice coffee, possibly something she could leave with her daughter for when she has to go home (like a token/teddy that she could also have one of to carry with her) etc but it just seems so insignificant in her time of absolute horror, terror, devestation (no words seem enough).

We are talking lots, she knows we are all here and we are checking in/offering help often. We are close friends and have been through a lot together. Every offer of help is met with, that's really kind but don't worry about me.

So

YABU - Do not make some insignificant and possibly offensive token gestures.

YANBU - Yes do something and if you vote this please help me decide what I should do

Thank you so much 🥰

OP posts:
Sparklesandsunshine1 · 12/03/2023 21:25

Such a hard time but I think an offer of helping with childcare etc would be a good one as time goes on if she’s struggling with it and staying with her daughter even just as a thought I think it might take extra worries off she may not have time/energy for just let her know your there
hope things get better for her

MichelleScarn · 12/03/2023 21:27

Agree with helping with the kids she has at home if you can, school run etc if possible?

KimmySchmitt · 12/03/2023 21:27

It's a tricky one and probably depends just how close you are. A care bundle is trivial - I wouldn't, at least until the poor patient is out of the woods. Meal prepping/food shopping/cleaning is probably the furthest thing from her mind right now, I imagine they're in survival mode and not really wanting proper meals. Does she have a partner/family support? If there are grandparents to help with childcare I'd let the family rally round. What sort of help has been offered when she said not to worry? Specific practical help or 'let me know if we can do anything'?

cansu · 12/03/2023 21:30

I wouldn't bother with gifts. In a real crisis those things are trivial. Keep offering childcare or other practical help. Maybe you could let her know that you don't mind being called at any time to help. E.g if she has to go to the hospital in the night or whatever, she can call and you will help if you can.

asplashofmilk · 12/03/2023 21:32

Keep checking in and offering. My experience was adrenaline and shock kept me functioning quite well during this phase so don't read anything into her rejections of offers of help. Whatever the outcome it might hit her some way down the line so do continue to be there even if (hopefully) things seem back to normal.

WakeMeUpInspring · 12/03/2023 21:33

When my child was in ICU I would have loved help with my other kids but direct contacting my parents to arrange it (who had my kids).

Meal prep etc wouldn't have crossed my mind. Just be there. My best friend came to Great Ormond St just for a cuppa. Caring makes a difference.

I really hope your friends kid pulls through. Mine did ❤️

SchoolQuestionnaire · 12/03/2023 21:34

The care bundle sounds lovely as well as offering to help with other dc. It may seem insignificant but you can’t help with the obvious so practicalities are the next best thing. I’d include snacks and make sure the thermos is prepared with her favourite hot drink and call in to refill as often as you can. Perhaps you and other friends can take it in turns to call in and top it up. Then you’re checking in in person too (although I wouldn’t hang around long if she doesn’t want to talk). I very much doubt that your friend is eating or taking care of herself so these little things might really help her get through.

When I’ve been struggling personally the gesture meant far more than the actual help if that makes sense. Just knowing that someone cares enough to actually do something rather than send a mindless text is priceless.

Littlebelina · 12/03/2023 21:36

Would she welcome visitors/break from ward? I still remember people who came to hospital when dd1 was in picu but she was fairly stable until close to end so I was able to leave for short periods to get coffee etc and visitors were welcomed, it can be a very isolating with a sick child . She might feel differently so you need to be guided by her.

Otherwise if she has other children I'd offer to take them for a bit. I spent a lot of time worrying about ds stuck at home so knowing someone else is helping there might help

Labmum · 12/03/2023 21:39

Could you do laundry/change bedsheets and stock the cupboards with snacky bits for them all to grab on the go. Cereals, bread, milk etc will always be useful. Practical things....maybe have the other kids around for dinner one evening? Or run them to/from any clubs they may attend. Who's based at home while your friends in hospital, maybe ask to them how you could ease the load a bit?

Depending on your friends personality though she may prefer to cocoon away from the world. There's no knowing how you'd react in such a situation and everyone's different. For some control is very important and they'd rather control absolutely everything they can due to the scariness of the "THING" they can't.

BeetyAxe · 12/03/2023 21:41

Yes, help with childcare if you can. Do some washes if you have that type of relationship, or buy her some dry shampoo and new knickers and some plain tops in case she just needs easy clean things to wear. Hope the little one pulls through.

Anewuser · 12/03/2023 21:43

Definitely offer to help with childcare.

The best help I had was someone to sit with my son while I grabbed a quick shower. I wouldn’t go home but couldn’t face leaving him alone. The wards always had showers available so I didn’t need to leave the hospital.

PoshCoffee · 12/03/2023 21:44

Go visit if you can. Having someone there to either have a cuppa and allow them to offload or stay with the child whilst the parent goes for a shower etc can really help.
Take food. My appetite goes when I’m in hospital with DD, then I feel hungry at 3am so a stash of snacks is handy.
Make sure your friend has bedding and if it’s not been supplied take in a pillow and fleece blanket. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on a put up bed on a ward with just a sheet and a balled up jumper as a pillow. Hospitals seem woefully unprepared for parental stays.

Teder · 12/03/2023 21:44

If she’s saying no to offer of help, then definitely not the token gesture. She probably can’t think straight and even replying to mind offers is just too much for her right now. Whatever happens next, she’ll need ongoing support. Don’t forget about her then. So many people have support during the crisis but after, people disappear.

Rachaelrachael · 12/03/2023 21:44

When my baby was in ICU, the gesture that meant the most to me from a close friend was just messages and being there for me. The offer to chat if I wanted to, but no pressure if I didn't want to. My friends all did a collection and sent me a package with things like magazines/toiletries/adult colouring book/snacks etc and while I know they meant well, it was pointless really (and is still shoved at the back of my wardrobe).

Duckingella · 12/03/2023 21:45

I think offering to help with childcare/housework/laundry and meal prepping would be useful.

Original poster
Schnappydoodle · 12/03/2023 21:46

Thank you that's all really helpful. My friend is divorced and has a long term partner whom her other children are with. He is being great from what we understand in managing kids/home while she and her ex husband are at hospital. I might actually text her partner tomorrow to offer help.
I guess nothing will ever feel enough in this situation.
I am so sorry to those of you who have first hand experience of this.

OP posts:
sunshine175 · 12/03/2023 21:47

When I was in hospital with my daughter for several weeks a friend made some meals and froze them, Lasagne, cottage pie and filled my freezer. Was the kindest thing as my family got fed. A friend who worked at the hospital would meet me at the ward entrance with a costa coffee, sandwich and cake, no pressute or expectation to talk. A moment of respite which was welcomed. And text messages/messenger friends just checking each day. Someone realised there was a costa on site so emailed me a costa voucher.

Galadriel90 · 12/03/2023 21:49

When my friends were going through this I cooked them meals that were easy to heat up. So that way they weren't having to rely on takeaway and ready meals on the occasions that they were home.

x2boys · 12/03/2023 21:50

Hi my oldest son has just spent three weeks on critical care,he's loads better now thank God but in the early days it was touch and go ,your friend will probably need clean clothes and toiletries ,thankfully I only spent six nights in critical care before my son turned a corner ,but I couldn't leave his bed side maybe some easy to consume snacks ,it's a horrible time for a parent but she might feel better if she can have a shower and change her clothes ,critical care helped me with al! Of that .

Rachaelrachael · 12/03/2023 21:52

Also it might be useful to offer to take her a change of clothing and food supplies. I remember not wanting to leave my daughter's bedside as it would take an hour to traipse to the other side of the hospital to grab a sandwich to bring back. It would have been amazing for someone to drop me off something other than a dry sandwich to eat at the ward

Doggydooda · 12/03/2023 21:53

Costa vouchers sound a great idea ,offer to bring in clean clothes ,food from cook could be delivered to their home so dad has easy prep for food.
Am so sorry,I do remember when my son was in PICU that having a good friend to come along and keep me company really helped and another one sat with my toddler son so I could go off and have a shower short walk and fresh air ,
I hope the little one makes a full recovery…so scary 💐

Original poster
Schnappydoodle · 12/03/2023 21:58

Going to google whether it's a Costa or Starbucks, that's a good shout. I might grab leggings and t-shirts and knickers too.

OP posts:
ChristmasSirens · 12/03/2023 22:00

I recommend dropping off a care package at the hospital, biscuits, bottled drinks, things you can just eat/drink. A kind note.

If there is family at home, offering help with childcare (could you take the other kids out for a day, or look after them for the evening?).

If you know the child well, ask if you can pop in to visit, take a suitable book or two to read to the child (even if sedated). Ask the parent if they want to go to the loo or shower whilst you wait with the DC.

Offer. Don’t let embarrassment hold you back. A lot of people back away in difficult times, probably through not knowing. But kindness is the thing and it will help, in so far as anything can.

CornishTiger · 12/03/2023 22:02

I’d contact the partner doing the childcare and offer to go there and help. Relieve them of some of the duties so he can possibly go to hospital to support her. Even have your company there to do stuff around house and to talk to about it.

ChristmasSirens · 12/03/2023 22:02

I don’t recommend costa vouchers unless they are able to have two parents there. With a child in hospital you can’t bear to leave them alone for a minute. Going for coffee isn’t possible unless there’s another very very trusted person to stay with the child.

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