Friends critically ill child

[Schnappydoodle]

Ok so NC for this and aiming not to drip feed.
One of my oldest friends children currently fighting for their life in ICU. They don't have many answers yet but she is ventilated and has several failed extubations. Probable organ failure but no diagnosis/plan.
Question is what should/could I do? I've thought of meal prepping/cleaning helping with other childcare/doing online food shopping but I don't want to do the wrong thing. I have read similar threads on here before and am paranoid about invading privacy, overstepping the mark judging by previous responses on other threads.

Another friend has suggested a care bundle for her while she is almost 24/7 resident at the hospital, thermos flask, nice coffee, possibly something she could leave with her daughter for when she has to go home (like a token/teddy that she could also have one of to carry with her) etc but it just seems so insignificant in her time of absolute horror, terror, devestation (no words seem enough).

We are talking lots, she knows we are all here and we are checking in/offering help often. We are close friends and have been through a lot together. Every offer of help is met with, that's really kind but don't worry about me.

So

YABU - Do not make some insignificant and possibly offensive token gestures.

YANBU - Yes do something and if you vote this please help me decide what I should do

Thank you so much 🥰

Good idea on the bringing something round. The hardest thing I've found with kids in hospital is that the first bit you get through on adrenaline and then you've got no food or clean undies and you don't want to leave them to get more. If you're close enough I'd drop around some clean underwear, a few flannels, and a stash of snacks and magazines. Offering to sit with the daughter so she can go to the loo or something is a good idea. Not sure which hospital but Birmingham children's has flasks for parents on the wards but a nicer drink in a keep cup or similar wouldn't go amiss. There's usually a cafe nearby to get something fresh. I'd use a flask rather than a full blown thermos though so it's not too hot.

Def ask the partner. Childcare - if they want/need it. Company. Ferrying kids or stuff as needed. Even offering to take the other kids out or something to take their little minds off things too. Regular but not persistent texts to say you’re there - but not to expect a response.

Take her a lovely picnic to the hospital, if she can leave her daughter for a short visit, sit with her & encourage her to eat - sandwich, salad pot, fruit salad, muffin, juice, coffee. Take her children out to the cinema, bowling, for a pizza etc, they'll enjoy the distraction & treat.

I don't know if kids in the ICU wear jammies or not but when my DD was seriously ill and in hospital long term the most useful gifts was underwear and loads of jammies.

I also agree with a voucher for any food outlets in the hospital, eating in hospital all the time is expensive.

Well if nothing else, this thread shows us that there is no one, right answer.

I have had a period of being unwell myself. The best thing I had was a friend that said that they would be very upset if they found out that was something that they could do to help and I hadn’t asked. If gave me the courage to ask for a massive favour when I’m usually very independent.

Had similar to this when dd was in NICU. Cannot even begin to say how huge a difference it made.

Also, childcare!!!

Not a child, but when my best friend was in ICU and then in hospital for 3 weeks in deep Covid time I just texted regularly with pictures of my dog, having told her I had no need of replies, but I wanted her to know I was there and thinking of her.

When my friends child was extremely ill we got together as a group and did a meal train. We took turns to deliver dinner and pudding to her so that she didn’t need to think about this. We also took turns to pick her or her husband up from the hospital as the hospital was hours away and none of us wanted her to have the added stress of driving upset. Now her child is thankfully ok, she said these were the things that helped x

Not a critically ill child but things that have helped during a very difficult time. Not expecting a reply. Just a little message or funny thing but no pressure.
Easy food/snacks/drinks ready to grab as and when. Anything the family can eat at home and leftovers go into a tupperware for lunch the next day.
If you want a care package you might be better with an extra large cup that keeps drinks hot and cold (I think mine is 780ml) but was about £20 and a thermos type flask so she can heat lunch at home and take it with her without worrying about leaving child's side.
Anything that doesn't create more work/mental energy so if you want to offer make it a concrete, I'll take the kids to the cinema and for a pizza after school on Friday if that suits you. Is it ok if they have a sleepover? is far easier than can I help. It might also give her a much needed break to recharge and chat to her partner without other kids in hearing distance x

When my daughter was on PICU, I just kept in touch with people on WhatsApp, she slept alot then and I was fortunate that my parents were looking after my other daughter at home.

When she went to the step down unit which is between intensive care and a regular ward, a couple of people visited. One of my best friends came up and sat with me for a couple of hours on the Saturday afternoon, there were no hot drinks allowed on the ward and I wasn't leaving my daughter, so we just chatted. My daughter actually needed an emergency chest drain whilst my friend was there, so it was nice to have some company in the lead up to that. I had told her not to come, but she arrived with bags of chocolate buttons and I was very grateful she did visit. She stayed longer than she intended too.

You definitely survive on the adrenaline though when in hospital. My daughter was in for 8 days in the end following a huge op. I found being at home immediately afterwards much harder and more tiring, so that would be a good time for help with other children too. I was delighted when my youngest got taken out for a day out & bubble tea in town as I was exhausted. I was up during the night numerous times administering pain relief and making sure my daughter who had the procedure was as comfortable as possible.

I hope it goes well and there is a good outcome for your friends daughter.

Agree with pps who said " let me know how to help" is literally the worst.
Having been in the situation, the text that made me cry with gratitude was the one that said " I'll collect your dc with mine and take them all to x club and to eat at my house, dropping dc back at x o'clock" .

Arranging child care is the biggest stress, and finding the headspace to make arrangements is really, really hard.

All of those things sound amazing. I was in your friends position a few years ago and really needed a big hug and a warm drink bringing. Knowing someone is there is so important x

Food they don’t have to make/keep in the fridge. Bottles of water/drinks. Clean knickers. Toiletries.