Friends critically ill child

[Schnappydoodle]

Ok so NC for this and aiming not to drip feed.
One of my oldest friends children currently fighting for their life in ICU. They don't have many answers yet but she is ventilated and has several failed extubations. Probable organ failure but no diagnosis/plan.
Question is what should/could I do? I've thought of meal prepping/cleaning helping with other childcare/doing online food shopping but I don't want to do the wrong thing. I have read similar threads on here before and am paranoid about invading privacy, overstepping the mark judging by previous responses on other threads.

Another friend has suggested a care bundle for her while she is almost 24/7 resident at the hospital, thermos flask, nice coffee, possibly something she could leave with her daughter for when she has to go home (like a token/teddy that she could also have one of to carry with her) etc but it just seems so insignificant in her time of absolute horror, terror, devestation (no words seem enough).

We are talking lots, she knows we are all here and we are checking in/offering help often. We are close friends and have been through a lot together. Every offer of help is met with, that's really kind but don't worry about me.

So

YABU - Do not make some insignificant and possibly offensive token gestures.

YANBU - Yes do something and if you vote this please help me decide what I should do

Thank you so much 🥰

Agreed.

When my daughter was in PICU for six weeks, we wanted someone to do the laundry as it required hours in Ronald McDonald house feeding coins into machines and we really appreciated a gift card for the coffee company that ran a shop in the hospital. Gift cards for any food shops on the hospital site like M and S also useful

I could imagine childcare would be helpful too, we had no other children. Visiting I think is personal. Most children in PICU recover, go home and spend only a short time there I think company and support is more often appreciated then. We were in the situation of having a profoundly unstable child who was highly likely to (and did) die and honestly we found visits intrusive and overwhelming rather than helpful, I’d offer but play it by ear

I don’t have a child in hospital but I am going through a health crisis of my own. What I’ve appreciated has not been offers of ‘let me know if I can help’ but people taking the initiative to do something. A friend has arranged a roster of meals and sent a spreadsheet that we can print out and put on the fridge so DH and kids know what is coming and when. Another friend keeps in regular touch with DH to offer to drive kids places. My neighbour texts every time she is at the shops to see if we need anything.

I would keep in touch with her partner to offer help with the kids and also go to visit her if she is up for that. I wouldn’t bother with gifts.

Yep.I think.that would be helpfulI I have lived in leggings an t shirts for the past few weeks ,critical care might be able to.provide your friend with meals ?
they did with me ,I'm someone who doesn't drink tea and coffee ,the staff are amazing and were always offering to make me brews,so.if your friend is like me maybe get soft drinks,ect and chewing gum.

My child is often fighting for his life. She has a life limiting condition. Hospital stays can last upto 3 months in intensive care.
Care for my other children is constantly on my mind. Don't assume grandparents help ours cant but people assume. (I once had to leave hospital to pick up my children from school and the said 'where are your family', i cried all the way to school and my poor kids thought they were to blame just for needing me. It was the lowest point ive been in my life) Please look up glass child (a term used for the well siblings of ill children, but dont discuss, trust me mum guilt is terrible during these times) Offer regular childcare e.g pick ups from school and drop off after tea. My friend does this on a Thurs when she offered I could kiss her. Also it's great when someone offers to take the kids for a lovey spoil day (day trip, baking or film watching). Just knowing they are having fun makes me thrilled as I worry they are sad somewhere. Listen to her kids and reassure them but don't pass on if they are too sad, worried, etc. Sometimes people do this and I feel helpess and like I'm letting them down. If asked maybe an answer of 'of course they're up set but we all are but we are managing just fine. You're kids are superstars we've had a fab time. They are so great! Be totally positive about having them. NEVER TEXT WHEN WILL YOU BE HOME. I've had this several times when in resuss and it's overwhelming. Just assume she'll text when she can.
If the child is in for while, an afternoon or morning to sit with them is lovely as it gives me chance to be at home for a good chunk. But I like it best when someone says I miss little xxxxxxx would you mind if I spent sometime with them. I put together a playlist for them. Well be fine on our own you go home and have sometime. So there's no guilt.
Care packages tend to go off or not be quite what I'd like and I feel like charity. Having said that my goodness the expensive if a child in hospital is huge I've been in debt over it. A subtle help would be a cuddly animal for the ill child a box of chocolates for the other kids and a just eat voucher so i can grab a takeaway on my way home ( remind her they deliver to hospital is they do) would make my day.
And questions honestly tag me and I'll help. You are an amazing friend!!

I can imagine if things were this critical I would not want gifts or a care package.

I think I would possibly want some bottles of water and knowing that my kids were looked after/entertained/their minds taken off things.

How awful for the family - hope things turn a corner x

When my child was hospitalized we had close friends bring me food. Mostly takeaway but even sandwiches, salads and soup etc. The hospital weren’t feeding me but I couldn’t leave my child.

Offer childcare.
Take her food and a change of clothes (ask her partner to put together what she needs). Or you look after the kids and let him go.

Offer to help with kids, at any time of day or night. With anything they need - whether it is looking after them, driving them around, ferrying items about. Anything to take outside pressure off.

Other things may be of more use further down the line. Sending best wishes to all.

After a few days of being an all day visitor, it can happen that the visitor/carer forgets, or doesn't get time, or opportunity, to look after themselves.
You can find yourself waiting hours for the Dr to appear, or for a scheduled off ward test such as an MRI to be done, meanwhile, you're either past eating or the hospital canteen/cafe is shut, or has run out of anything you fancy eating, so maybe a few sandwiches, biscuits and a flask would be handy.
Getting a shower, or wash can be difficult, so some wet wipes could come in handy.
The offer to sit with the patient for a while whilst the carer goes for a cuppa or even a trip to the loo and yes, a hand with childcare if needed could take a weight off the carers shoulders.

That might depend on the hospital my child is 16 so in between a child and an adult but in an adult critical care they did feed me for the few.days my son was critical and I couldn't leave him they allowed me to order meals alongside him obviously every trust is different though they have.been amazing though .

Oh and keep in touch by text but don't bombard her with stuff to think about. When I was in hospital w ds this autumn (seriously ill but not picu) I honestly didn't have the ment bandwidth to be thinking about housework/laundry/what the kids wanted for Christmas or, gawd bless her, my sil's plans for mil's birthday.

When my friends son was in critical care I did loads of childcare for her other child to facilitate her and her husband swapping over at the hospital.

I also did stuff like cooking other kid food and emptying the washing machine while I was in the house. We are pretty close though and I was housemates with both her and her husband for a while pre children.

i think it was appreciated! If you have her partners number contacting him directly as your friend might be a bit overloaded.

mental bandwidth

I’d drop a bag to the partner for both of them - water, energy bars, bag of coins for parking, eye mask, blanket, paracetamol, ear plugs. Offer to do a laundry run, or to change bed linen, pick up kids, do homework, to help keep the show on the road at home.

“Let me know if I can help” is an empty phrase for most people, so don’t say it, she won’t call you even if she needs to.

Visits at hospital are intrusive, be there for long calls when she needs you but keep your distance a bit to allow her to concentrate on what’s important at the time she needs to.

Be proactive. Offering to babysit the other kids so her OH has time to join her at hospital might be the most useful suggestion in this thread so far.

I have never had a child in intensive care but in the many times DS was admitted to hospital, I would have been grateful if somebody could have brought me a pack of granolas and change for the coffee machine so I could have something to keep me going when I wasn’t able to leave DS alone to escape for some food when the restaurant was open. Thankfully, most coffee machines do not need change now but even a box of coffee sachets (milk included) might have been gratefully received.

When my child was very unwell in hospital, i had offers of help with childcare, cups of tea and things like shower gel as we had arrived at the hospital with nothing but the clothes we were in. I also appreciated messages of support more than anything else.

We went through something similar recently. Offers of 'let me know how I can help' is useless, no one has bandwidth to think. Things that were most appreciated were a nice coffee at hospital, sitting there while I went to the loo/shower, bringing food for my other DCs. Small but thoughtful and very much appreciated things.

So sorry for your friend and it must be a stressful place for you to be in too as someone who cares for her

Thankfully I've never had to experience something so awful but when my daughter was born early and well below expected weight for gestation we had to stay in the high dependency baby unit for a week. During that time what I appreciated most was food (especially snacking things as I was too stressed to eat big things so mostly lived on comfort food I could pick at) and things to help with the boredom and to keep me distracted (you spend so much time just waiting for results that anything to kill time is appreciated - books were my go to)

Some great gifts that I received were a portable charger (life saver) and some memory foam slippers

My mum really appreciated getting a cashmere shawl / throw that she could wrap around herself and also put on the bed when she was staying at the hospital alot with my grandmother on end of life care

I love this post so much - I mean, obviously not your situation with your child, but all the practical advice, and it really struck me as being written from the heart. Thank you x

You eat a lot of beige food while waiting in hospital. Perhaps bring some nutritious cold food (pasta salad with roasted veg?), fruit, soup? I think supporting her partner would also be really helpful - can you take round some bolognaise sauce for the freezer/ casseroles?

When my sister and BIL were in hospital with my very unwell niece what they later said helped was:

• A lovely friend who did regular drops of clean, comfy clothing, bath towel and basic toiletries and picking the dirty stuff up.
• someone bringing their car to the hospital and organising a month long parking ticket
• Snack packs
• Someone taking their dog to their own place and taking full responsibility for him

They didn’t have other children to worry about though.

When I was in hospital for a long stay with a small child, I really welcomed fresh nutritious healthy food. A delicious salad in a box, the sort of salads they have in Pret or Itsu. I was so sick of sandwiches and sweet stuff and stodge. (Though some if that is always good).

The two things that I think would help most are

a) childcare. Not having to worry about your other DC when your head is full is something that matters. That includes shopping for food/supplies for those at home, laundry and basic tidying & cleaning.

b) visit them in hospital. No matter how dire the situation, your friend needs support. I had a friend whose DC was in ICU and I used to go and see her, and "spring" her from the bedside, maybe only for 20mins in the hospital coffee shop, because even a short change of scenery can help (obvs don't push it if she really doesn't want to, but it is held to be a good thing when someone's in an intense situation over a long time)

Whilst doing b) you could also bring her clean clothes and take worn ones away and wash them.

I would offer concrete help – by this I mean rather than saying “please let me know if I can have the kids”, say “can I take the kids for the day on Friday”.
My husband died suddenly when my children were 8 and 4. I had so many lovely offers of help but I just didn’t have the headspace to think about when and where. I always remember one friend saying “I would love to take the children to the cinema on Friday afternoon” . I said yes please immediately!