Friends critically ill child

[Schnappydoodle]

Ok so NC for this and aiming not to drip feed.
One of my oldest friends children currently fighting for their life in ICU. They don't have many answers yet but she is ventilated and has several failed extubations. Probable organ failure but no diagnosis/plan.
Question is what should/could I do? I've thought of meal prepping/cleaning helping with other childcare/doing online food shopping but I don't want to do the wrong thing. I have read similar threads on here before and am paranoid about invading privacy, overstepping the mark judging by previous responses on other threads.

Another friend has suggested a care bundle for her while she is almost 24/7 resident at the hospital, thermos flask, nice coffee, possibly something she could leave with her daughter for when she has to go home (like a token/teddy that she could also have one of to carry with her) etc but it just seems so insignificant in her time of absolute horror, terror, devestation (no words seem enough).

We are talking lots, she knows we are all here and we are checking in/offering help often. We are close friends and have been through a lot together. Every offer of help is met with, that's really kind but don't worry about me.

So

YABU - Do not make some insignificant and possibly offensive token gestures.

YANBU - Yes do something and if you vote this please help me decide what I should do

Thank you so much 🥰

My daughter had cancer and spent 6 months in hospital, she had a successful bone marrow teansplant 10+ years ago, I really just wanted to be left alone, all my energy was taken up with her. A care package would not have been helpfull at the time, phone her regularly and ask if there is anything you can do, if she says no, except it.

No advice to give but sending up a prayer that they recover swiftly 💗

When my friend was in a similar situation, we checked out the hospital, found there was an M&S in it and had a whip round to get a voucher for there. She was really happy that she was able to get nice food and little treats without feeling guilty about spending money when she wasn't working.

I can't thank you all enough for your replies, and echo a pp who praised the thoughtful and detailed replies from some who have sadly been in my friends shoes.

I will have a think overnight about what I am going to put in place. For tonight she knows that my phone is on and loud, I work nights so am here if she needs to talk at 4am.

She will be at home overnight as her daughter is an older teen so on the adult unit.

Organise a meal rota to drop off one or two meals a day of healthy and whole swim home cooked food. Hospital food is shit as if living off crisps and chocolate. Canteen food is shit. Having some filling and healthy meals delivered each night will help. Put them in disposable Chinese takeaway type trays so she doesn’t have to worry about washing or giving back.

Offers of help for other children if appropriate- asking the grandparents maybe. Food/ sitting with service while parent showers etc. Lifts or switching bags of stuff over/ laundry - I'm short practical stuff
You sound lovely

From having had a friend in a similar situation, she said it was some of the really practical things that helped. So World Book Day for example. She said it wasn't even someone she'd call a friend but the mum of another child in her "well" child's class who messaged and invited the well child over after school a couple of weeks before WBD so that they could chat about costumes and then she'd sort out the costume. This mum was also really good when it came to birthday parties making sure that she picked up & returned the "well" child, had a spare birthday card and said that the present was from the well child as well as her own daughter.
One of her neighbours was brilliant too and appeared on a Saturday morning to collect all of the dirty school uniform & returned it washed & ironed on a Sunday.

Just say - how can I help? whatever you need I can do it.

My child was recently in picu. You want to conserve your mental energy so it's hard to organise thoughts about what people could do.

My first port of call would be the partner - take the kids something like sticker books, craft set, blocks etc that will keep them quiet but also quite soothing. Partner will be able to advise on how to help your friend and might be glad of a bit of time or help.

In picu I wanted comfy clothes (joggers, pants, socks, t shirts), toiletries like lip balm, moisturiser, hand cream, soap. It's hot and drying in hospital. Slip on shoes. Mindless trashy books. Lavender oil or spray for pillow.

Say assertively that you would love to take her for coffee even if for only ten minutes, that really helped me to reframe it when friends did it for me.

Food wise I only wanted bland stuff, microwave meals. It was eating for fuel. I did get really constipated though (drinking less, moving less, stress, really hot) so water bottle and dried fruit might help!

Having just had a friend on ICU for a month I'd say childcare is the most useful thing you can do. I've had 2 extra teenagers for ages and I've got to be honest, it's the first night their back home and the house feels empty without them. Obviously I'm delighted for them, but I'm missing them more than I expected to

Do you live near the hospital? If so, take some coffees, snacks etc., take them up to the ward and ask the ward clerk/HCA to take them in to her, with a note saying you are thinking of her and are around if she’d like you to sit with her DD so she can have a shower or stretch her legs.

Go and visit if you can. That’s the most important thing. If you really are an old dear friend, just go. Share the time.
Take delicious coffee, the most delicious immediate snack you can think of, and a supply of other tiny tasty healthy food w you - really good oranges, some chocolate, some crackers. Things that last.
and then for help, if you can and know them well, have the other children. Build that relationship: it may be needed.
so so hard, I am so sorry.

Schnappydoodle - you sound like an amazing thoughtful friend ❤
As a mother who has been through this I would say you are doing everything she needs already. Be there for her when she needs to scream and cry but also if she needs to talk away from family, that will help massively.

Also food prep is a really good idea, I know when my daughter was in ICU for months, (during covid lockdown) I did not eat and became ill myself. Maybe if you can drop it round while she is at hospital though. Also stock fridge with water if you can. Your friend may not feel like chatting or seeing anyone but leaving these things will mean alot, it really will.

Really hope your friends child improves soon. My daughter had 3 failed attempts at removing her tube seemed like we would lose her, she pulled through and called miracle girl by consultants. Sure there's hope for this little one too 💜💜

If she’s home overnight I’d arrange food - easy stuff that can be heated up, or stuck in the fridge for later. Maybe nice bits and pieces she can take to hospital during the day to eat and drink?

Folk can be funny about other people doing their cleaning or laundry so offer but be ok if she doesn’t accept. I agree with concrete offers rather than “if you need anything just ask”, when I’ve been in a similar situation there were a hundred things I probably needed help with but couldn’t think what they were or how to organise the help.

One thing that did help was a good friend offered to ferry information to family and friends for me, eg the family that were close enough to need to know if there was any news but that I didn’t want/have time for endless questions etc. It stopped me having to have the same stressful conversation 5 times a day, while also juggling life and hospital.

'Another friend has suggested a care bundle for her while she is almost 24/7 resident at the hospital, thermos flask, nice coffee, possibly something she could leave with her daughter for when she has to go home (like a token/teddy that she could also have one of to carry with her) etc but it just seems so insignificant in her time of absolute horror, terror, devestation (no words seem enough).
Sounds like a good idea that isn't too idealistic.
It's nice to be thought of in a moment of vulnerability.

She'll have people and herself focusing on the child alot, but a gift for self care is lovely

Ask them what they want.

Could you ask her partner what would be the most helpful thing you can do and then just do that? I imagine he must know what she is struggling with.

When my daughter was being ventilated in ICU the best thing we had was a friend who brought in a hot casserole one evening. We were given a free room and free parking and MIL cared for my toddler son. We'd taken clothes and toiletries with us but the food was incredibly expensive and just to spend an hour eating a home cooked hot meal and having a catch up chat whilst the doctors changed her intubation tubes was a blessed respite and so normal after all the stress and worry. Just a break but it revived and sustained us and praise God and the hospital staff as she pulled through against all odds. xxx

maybe offer her "support" help. . partner\kids might well be getting by- maybe a couple hours of not have kids offer some time for him to support her better?

My dad was fighting for his life suddenly and horrendously last year in ICU, so many people gave small acts of care to me and my family while we spent days in hospital, every delivery of shopping, frozen soup, crystal angels, flowers, cards, every offer to help with my kids, walk my dog, give lifts, every offer to visit, every text, voicenote, phonecall, every check in, gifts for my dad, even a mass held for him, you name it, every single one was appreciated not just for what it actually gave us practically but the thought that people out there were thinking of him and us and in that dark time when we were just trying to get through each day, I always remember how beautiful that feeling was in the worst days of my life, I felt lost and frightened but I never felt alone. Whatever you do as long as it's not intrusive and an offer of something they can receive and quietly put aside or let you know if they want such as babysitting, it shows you care and want to help. They need that feeling believe me.

TBH I wouldn’t visit the hospital until their child is well on the mend/ stable.

When my daughter was in PICU my sister and some well meaning friends used to call to hospital and I would have to leave her side and go to the relatives room to chat to them. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t stand having to leave her alone to go have a cuppa and chit chat with visitors. I was like a woman possessed as I used to feel so panicked by this.

I would put some clean joggers, tops, jumpers, (hospitals are warm but you get extremely cold when exhausted) blankets, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste/brush, pants, warm socks, wipes/muslins deodorant, handcream etc in a bag and leave them for her. I had very little and everyone must have assumed I had these but it’s v hard when you are there and not getting home to do laundry. I used to have to use paper towels and soap from the handwash dispenser to wash - I still can’t stand that smell - it brings me right back.

I would find some practical things to do and just do them. She won't have the headspace to say what she needs / answer questions. So just find out when her bin night is and make sure bins are out. Feed/walk/clean out any pets.

Avoid 'what can I do for you' and go more with 'I'll be there at 4pm to put your bins out and will walk the dog whilst I'm there. I can also take X to school and will be there at X time. Let me know if you'd rather I Didn't'

I would say absolutely to food. Bring her meals that are healthy, homemade and easy to eat. With a fork/spoon etc. Hospital food is not nice and expensive if Costa etc. People saying 'meal prepping won't be on her mind' - of course it won't. But she needs to eat! bringing her healthy, easy, comforting home meals is a lovely and practical thing to do.

Also - other kids - is there any admin that needs doing? Is there a school disco coming up that you can let her know you'll sort tickets/their outfits/take siblings too? etc. You sound like a lovely friend.

Having been close to this kind of situation, I would say to anyone helping at people’s homes not to launder the ill child’s clothes or bedding, or tidy their rooms - do everyone else’s, but not theirs. If the worst happens, parents may want to have things that still smell of their child, and a bed they have slept in. So leave their room and things alone, as the smallest things can have a huge significance.

Do something nice for the other DC, especially if the sick sibling has had a life of hospital crises.

Don’t fix anything too wildly fun for obvious reasons. A trip round a great garden/playground or a museum followed by a big tea can be soothing and distracting.

Be a solid, cheery, reliable adult presence who shows the other DC that life goes on as normal and can be good.