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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grabbed 3-year-old by t-shirt

123 replies

Boymamabee · 12/03/2023 14:34

I’m really upset! We were in the shop and DS was having a tantrum. Husband grabbed him by scruff of top and frogmarched him out of shop. It looked terrible and I don’t agree with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 12/03/2023 14:38

Doesn't sound that bad really....as long as it wasn't rough enough to hurt him I think that's fine to remove a tantrumming 3 year old from a shop. I might drag them by the hand instead

Bunnyishotandcross · 12/03/2023 14:40

Nipping tantrums in the bud has great benefits ime.
Once abandoned a trolly half full and took ds 3 home.
His behaviour vastly improved in Tesco after that.

Coffeellama · 12/03/2023 14:40

Impossible to say without seeing it, how secure the kid was, how angry DH was, did he lift him
and leave or did he angrily yank him up and storm out. Basically too hard to tell with the info you’ve given.

SallySunrise · 12/03/2023 14:42

As long as he wasn't hurting him I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I've carried my 3 year old kicking and screaming before so he'd have my sympathy.

ScentOfAMemory · 12/03/2023 14:43

Maybe you could try defusing the tantrum next time then? At 3 he's old enough to be removed from anywhere he's being a pain the arse to others.

Original poster
Boymamabee · 12/03/2023 14:45

@SallySunrise He didn’t hurt him but in that instance I wish he would’ve picked him up and carried him instead of dragging him by his clothes.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 12/03/2023 14:45

What would you have done?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/03/2023 14:46

He removed him from a stressful situation. Presumably he didn't hurt him because you would have said that rather than saying it looked awful. What were you proposing to do to deal with it?

Thisisformathilda · 12/03/2023 14:47

Fair play to him for nipping it in the bud.

TrashyPanda · 12/03/2023 14:48

Sounds fine.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/03/2023 14:49

Frogmarching and dragging are not the same thing

WimbourneWasps · 12/03/2023 14:51

@Boymamabee maybe your way of talking to him nicely doesn't work as your husband wanted it to be over.

Tinysoxxx · 12/03/2023 14:51

I complained to Asda that none of their checkouts were sweet-free. They did nothing. The next week Dd had a complete meltdown by the checkout. I couldn’t pick her up as I was heavily pregnant and she was kicking and crying. I sat on a chair and waited. It probably took 20 minutes but felt like hours, as she polished the floor like a screaming snow angel. Staff and customers were telling me all sorts: smack her/ give her sweets/ do you need a doctor? I think everyone would have preferred a different scenario.

Next time I went in there, there was a sweet-free checkout aisle!

WimbourneWasps · 12/03/2023 14:53

Sometimes it's helpful to just remove the child and talk about it later about why we don't do xyz. Not talk about kind hands or not throwing or why a 3 year old can't carry around a packet of razors (yes really)

He didn't slap him around the face I think you're overreacting

jays · 12/03/2023 14:54

I don’t know how I feel about this. I think maybe because it’s the same day there’s a post about someone smacking their child around the head, it feels a little ‘so it’s ok for a woman and not ok for a man’ I don’t know. I’d have been really upset to see that and I wouldn’t have done it either. Not judging, just giving my thoughts.

Cosyblankets · 12/03/2023 14:55

WimbourneWasps · 12/03/2023 14:51

@Boymamabee maybe your way of talking to him nicely doesn't work as your husband wanted it to be over.

That's what I thought

user1473878824 · 12/03/2023 14:56

My mum once slid me around the town centre shopping mall by my coat hood as I lay on the floor tantruming and refusing to stand up.

Ahh I miss my twenties. Badumtssssh.

Original poster
Boymamabee · 12/03/2023 15:12

I should elaborate a bit. Ds had a tantrum in the middle of the shop because he wanted a toy he already has. He sat in the middle of the aisle and refused to get up. DH pulled him up by his hoodie and marched him out the shop and spoke to him in a threatening tone (but didn’t threaten him). No, he didn’t hurt him but people were looking. I wouldn’t have minded him quietly picking him up and removing him (I’m seven months pregnant so couldn’t) but in the eyes of a random observer, it looked aggressive.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 12/03/2023 15:18

You could say it looked aggressive if he picked him up under the arms or by the arms, round the belly etc. Unless you’ve got a big drip feed and are a perfect parent I think you are over reacting.

derbylass81 · 12/03/2023 15:22

I don't like it, but there's often literally no other option. I'm all for being calm and reasonable and getting down to their level etc but the sad and frustrating truth is it doesn't always work.

He did what he had to do (obviously as long as he didn't actually hurt him).

OnlyFannys · 12/03/2023 15:23

I think every parent has lost patience and pulled a child out of a shop, when ds was little leaving a playground was a fucking nightmare so most people can probably sympathise with your DH providing he didnt actually harm your child

Bunnyishotandcross · 12/03/2023 15:27

People were prob mentally clocking if they thought dh was the df! And not a child snatcher... Telling off a dc mid tantrum isn't an alien event to most op!

JarByTheDoor · 12/03/2023 15:27

People were looking because something was happening — they're either going to look, or they're going to self-consciously and deliberately not look. I think it's easy to infer judgement or disapproval from the way people's faces happen to be arranged when they look at a thing that's happening, but unless they're being pretty theatrical about it there's a good chance that any facial expressions you perceive are reflective of your inner state as much as theirs.

If I saw what you describe, and was unsuccessful in pretending not to have noticed, you might think I was disapproving because my face would be relaxed, but my feelings wouldn't go much beyond thinking that a parent was minimising disruption for others by dealing with their tantrumming kid, being firm but without hurting them or using threats, and that that seems like a reasonable thing to do. I'd rather see a kid manoeuvred by their clothes than dragged by the hand as a PP prefers, which can lead to pulled elbows and other injuries.

WimbourneWasps · 12/03/2023 15:27

I think most parents have done that. Ay most they probably saw it and thought 'Christ I don't miss having to do that'!

PeekAtYou · 12/03/2023 15:29

I have had to pick up and carry a child who is kicking and screaming so no judgement here.