Grabbed 3-year-old by t-shirt

[Boymamabee]

I’m really upset! We were in the shop and DS was having a tantrum. Husband grabbed him by scruff of top and frogmarched him out of shop. It looked terrible and I don’t agree with it.

AIBU?

If you're unhappy with how he handled it, talk to him about it. Ask why he did it. Doesn't sound to me like he did anything wrong and handled the situation but if you're uncomfortable he's the person to talk to surely? Not mumsnet. I don't mean that to sound harsh, I just don't see why this isn't just a conversation between the two of you. My DH would be mortified if I posted all his actions on here instead of talking to him first. Apologies if you did and just wanted assurance. Was just my first thought. Parenting little ones is full of turbulence and stress, you do have my sympathy. Parental solidarity is very helpful though. X

What's the other alternative?.. Saying in a very loud voice, numerous times, 'That's not my child!' and quickly walking away?

Depends how heavy and tall your children were in relation to you.

Some of my younger relatives and friends children of both sexes where the size of 5-6 year olds at age 3. Myself and some of their mothers couldn't carry them from age 2 onwards. There as their fathers always could.

Your parenting standards are obviously low. I'd love to pull you around by your clothes and see how you felt.

But I guess toddlers are fair game, because they can't speak up.

Pulling someone up by their clothing and dragging them around by their clothing is awful. To defend that says a lot. Poor children.

Twice the OP has said marching which is different to dragging. She also said he didn't hurt him or threaten him in any way.

@Dracarys1 I’m glad I posted on here as the replies have given me some perspective and I can see how I might’ve overreacted or read into things too much. Like a pp said, it looks physically posing but sometimes that can’t be helped.

I don't know why I wrote t-shirt instead of hoodie. He grabbed the front of his hoodie to pull him up and get him to walk, if that makes sense. Then marched him out the shop. Sorry for the confusion. I'm tired.

Little ones are exhausting. Try to let it go now and rest. You're doing great x

No, your reading level is low, nobody dragged the child around by their clothing. That’s not what the OP said, read all the posts.

Just incase you still misread it, OP has now further clarified the kid wasn’t dragged around by their clothing.

He grabbed the front of his hoodie to pull him up and get him to walk, if that makes sense. Then marched him out the shop. Sorry for the confusion. I'm tired.

I probably would have done the same under similar pressure.

Whenever I see parents aggressively handling their children in public it makes me wonder what happens at home. We all have parenting moments that should/could have been handled better and maybe your DH was just having a bad day. However it’s sad to see so many applauding this approach. If this were my family, I would talk to my DH and explain that this kind of reaction is not acceptable. I would also talk to my child and explain to them why their behaviour in the shop was unacceptable but that adults make mistakes too and you shouldn’t have been handled and frightened in that manner. Children are just little people and should be treated with the same respect you would show a friend. So I guess if this sort of thing is not a regular parenting tool, then I wouldn’t worry about it anymore, but if this aggressive approach to normal toddler behaviour happens frequently, then I would not be ok with it.

I prefer to carry toddlers out surfboard style myself.

@Imtoooldforthisbs aside from carrying the child out of the shop, how would you have handled it?

I picked my youngest up once in a rugby tackle and dragged her out of tesco during a tantrum and not listening. Cannot be dealing with tantrums which are not warranted (wanting sweets/toys etc). So out we go

no he wasnt being unreasonable

Sometimes gently gently and tiptoeing around children doesn't work. Good on your DH for parenting him well and teaching him that that kind of nonsense doesn't fly.

Where did it say the child was frightened?

That’s not was has been described here though is it? Picking up a child by their clothing, marching them out a shop, talking to them in a threatening way - this is a parent that has lost control of themself and the situation. I find it really sad that so many people think that this kind of reaction to a small child is ok. It’s not. The OP is clearly conflicted about what happened, hence the post.

Husband told off and stopped a tantrum, it worked, what’s the issue?

I wouldn't have used your dh's technique but I do believe when toddlers are going absolutely crazy sometimes it is best just to remove them from the situation. I call it surfboarding a child out of somewhere because I just pick them up and carry them sideways under my arm like a surfboard while they kick and scream. Not nice but sometimes necessary.

I’ve got 2.5 yo DS up by the clothes before. He’s got this excellent skill when tantruming of being able to turn all 15kg of himself to jelly, whilst still simultaneously thrashing and kicking, rendering him impossible to pick up. It’s saved for times when it’s really needed though - for example when he dropped down in the middle of M&S cafe and risked being covered in scolding coffee, or when he dropped in front of a wheelchair user in a shop who physically had no option of changing their path. Sometimes you got to just move them, by hook or by crook. It’s not in my routine armoury of parenting though and I hope I never speak in a ‘threatening’ way to him…but equally I’m sure on occasions I’ve got it wrong and I have, which may have been the case for your DH today.

Yes - all of this.

I have three kids. I know how challenging it can be. But pulling someone up by their top is never ok. Ever.

There are many less intimidating and aggressive actions.

OP - I'm worried that you're taking the advice on her to justify your husband's actions. Your instincts told you that it's not ok - listen to them. Of course we all get frustrated with tantrums, but your child is three years old. You are their advocate. If you ever feel someone is acting inappropriately with them, you need to address it. Sadly, I don't think the advice you've received on here is quality advice. But then it's Mumsnet AIBU, it's never a real representation of real life reactions. Trust you're instinct. You're tired, but you're still able to see the difference between good parenting and poor parenting. Pulling a child around by their clothing is awful, it's never ok

I did this with DS 2.5 today. I’m also 7 months pregnant but was on my own so had no choice. He was being really naughty snd misbehaving, refusing to walk so I ended up sort of dragging him by the arm, the the scruff of the jacket before eventually picking him up kicking and screaming. I definitely didn’t hurt him, he’d calmed down by the time we got home, 10
mins later.

I did think afterwards that I might have been a bit harsh but he would not move so I had no choice. I’m also relieved by these replies that others have done the same. Might have to give Tesco a swerve for a while though!

I have walked around Sainsbury's with a screaming kicking child tucked under one arm and the trolley pushed with the other arm. You just have to do what's necessary at the time. I don't miss having little children! (Now I just have grandchildren so I can give them back)