Grabbed 3-year-old by t-shirt

[Boymamabee]

I’m really upset! We were in the shop and DS was having a tantrum. Husband grabbed him by scruff of top and frogmarched him out of shop. It looked terrible and I don’t agree with it.

AIBU?

Are you sure you're not just embarrassed by your DS's behaviour rather than how DH dealt with it?

What you described sounds pretty normal to me.

I know you're not getting the replies you want, but can you explain what a 'threatening' tone is in this context?

Do you mean angry?

In fact I think if you leave a place with a screaming angry toddler under your arm like a rugby ball at speed, its normal. Welcome to parenting

So what would you have done? Have a conversation about how naughty he was being whilst he blocked the aisle?

People look because it attracts attention. 99% will be thinking thank god my child has outgrown that stage and sympathetic and the other 1% won't have been in the situation so don't know better. A parent taking control is much better than caving and creating a problem that is harder to solve in future.

spoke to him in a threatening tone (but didn’t threaten him). No, he didn’t hurt him but people were looking

So he removed him from the situation without hurting him, he spoke to him firmly but didn't shout or threaten him, so really the only problem is people looking, which actually isn't a problem at all.

DH needs applauding 🤣🤣🤣

I shouldn't worry about it OP.

Different times I know, but when my brother was about three he went through a phase of sitting down and refusing to walk. Mum tried all sorts. Explaining, talking it through, bribery. One day we were coming back from shopping and brother lay down on the ground after we got off the bus and refused to get up. Poor Mum had me, aged about seven, carrying two bags, she had four bags herself and a tantruming toddler. She eventually just started walking the 300 yards home dragging dear brother by his reins on the grass next to the pavement. After a little way she asked him again to get up but he wouldn't, she stopped again to no avail so he ended being dragged all the way home.

He ended up with some grazed knees but he never did it again. He didn't remember it either and didn't know about it until he was about 18. Mum always said how bad she felt about it but at the time was at the very end of her tether. She was having a lot of worry at the time. Dearest Mum, we miss you so very much.

You couldn’t do anything as your pregnant. Your DH did handle it. You cannot then criticise what he did or he will be reluctant to step in and help for fear of you having a go at him. He handled it well. He removed your DC from the shop. Job done

So DH just told him off and took him out of the shop?

You've used a lot of words to say essentially say “DS was fine, his Dad dealt with his tantrum appropriately but I’m embarrassed that other people saw my child throwing a strop.”

Is that what you meant?

YANBU, but on another thread the OP has smacked her child around the head in a shop and everybody is saying it’s okay so I’m not surprised that the consensus here is aggressively grabbing kids by the clothes is okay.

I think this is it for me. Of course we all strive to be the most grounded calm but firm parents we want to be, but we are also human and at times we will reach the end of our tether. I think as long as your husband didn't hurt your son then he's shown restraint in the face of being very angry and I think fair enough. Sure might not have been his proudest moment to date but I think it's probably his most human moment. He could probably go back to ds and recognise that he got very angry and discuss why we don't behave that way. I feel a little like you're reacting this way because you were aware of other people watching.

Everyone would be applauding your husband. We all know kids can kick off but I am sick to the back teeth of parents doing sweet fa or trying to reason ‘gently’ with three year olds having a tantrum in public.

I had to do this 2 days ago. 3 year old DS got out of the car and flat out refused to walk into the house (our driveway is on the side of the house so involves walking around the corner). Reasoning wouldn't work. Bribery wouldn't work. Threatening consequences didn't work. I had non walking DD in my arms and she's not exactly a lightweight. There is just no way I could have picked DS up as well. It was the day it snowed so I couldn't just wait for ages outside for him to get over himself; couldn't put DD down; couldn't leave him in case he ran into the road; and couldn't pull him by the arm in case he slipped and hurt himself, so he got frogmarched by the scruff of the neck. I felt awful. People were staring at me and DS wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. I felt like social services would be hammering on my door. I'd love to know what the alternative was though!

😂

your DH did well.

I agree

It will always look aggressive to you when his dad is so much more physically imposing and he is mummys little boy

He was being a pain in the arse and you know it - I'd have done the same as your husband and sling him over my shoulder and got him out of there

I’m actually relieved by the replies.

I know DH didn’t hurt him and he didn’t want me to pick him up as I’m pregnant. But I worked in care/safeguarding for over ten years so I’m well aware of optics and the way he pulled him up by his top looked rougher than it was. Like I said, I’d have preferred he carried him but I understand he’s not light.

It doesn't sound like he did anything particularly wrong just maybe not what you would have done. Sometimes removing tantrumming toddler from the situation is the best thing to defuse it. Your dc wasn't hurt and dh handled it.

Your job may have skewed your view on this, as most people will have felt solidarity with him. I hope you’ve not given him a hard time about it. Glad this thread has reassured you tho.

It will always look aggressive to you when his dad is so much more physically imposing and he is mummys little boy

Tbh that’s exactly what it is.

But a lot of the time picking up a tantrumming toddler is a lot more “dangerous” than frogmarching as angry toddlers tend to kick and wriggle, so more opportunity for both child and adult to get hurt.

Have you considered buying a set of reins? It's a lot easier to pick a child up mid tantrum and carry them out like an angry handbag.

@Anyonebut that’s what dh said. I can understand.

YANBU. That is unacceptable and all it has shown your toddler is to respond with aggression.