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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with depressed husband

83 replies

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:03

We have booked to take our 2 young kinds for their first holiday abroad in a few weeks. My husband has depression (which he isn’t getting any help for). I feel like it’s pulling me down as well and I can’t really enjoy much. The purpose of holiday wasn’t so much enjoyment for us as it was for the kids but as it gets closer I feel like even that will be a huge challenge.

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 12/03/2023 11:05

Is it diagnosed depression? If so, why no help?

Don't blame you though. No fun for you or kids if someone is permanently 'down'

ObamaLlamas · 12/03/2023 11:05

Well he either gets help or he moves out. Why isn't he getting help? Nothing worse than those with illnesses deliberately forcing it on the rest of the family without getting help.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:08

His depression is to do with a very unique set of circumstances and he thinks that because no healthcare professional will be familiar with it or understand it they won’t be able to help.

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 12/03/2023 11:10

So is it properly diagnosed by a professional?

MajesticWhine · 12/03/2023 11:13

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:08

His depression is to do with a very unique set of circumstances and he thinks that because no healthcare professional will be familiar with it or understand it they won’t be able to help.

I'm a psychologist. Try me. Is it possible to share more? It's infuriating for you if he refuses to get help.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:17

@MajesticWhine His parents who were done with having children had a child at the request of a religious leader and put him in a religious scheme where children are brainwashed into being told that their only purpose in life is to serve the religious community. That was the identity that was pushed onto him as a child. He didn’t want it and lived a double life (resulting in him becoming a liar) and also became a narcissistic because he was told he was ‘special’ because the religious leader had asked for him. He rejected all of it as an adult and is coming apart because of it.

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 12/03/2023 11:18

YANBU. I have endless patience for people battling depression, it's a horrible illness. But not so much for those who self diagnose, won't seek help, and use it as an excuse to make their family's life miserable.

SunshineGeorgie · 12/03/2023 11:19

So he's diagnosed himself?

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 11:20

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:17

@MajesticWhine His parents who were done with having children had a child at the request of a religious leader and put him in a religious scheme where children are brainwashed into being told that their only purpose in life is to serve the religious community. That was the identity that was pushed onto him as a child. He didn’t want it and lived a double life (resulting in him becoming a liar) and also became a narcissistic because he was told he was ‘special’ because the religious leader had asked for him. He rejected all of it as an adult and is coming apart because of it.

I feel for him, but this sounds like other cult survivors would have similar stories. Perhaps he could look for someone who is experienced in treating religious trauma.

ImAvingOops · 12/03/2023 11:21

I would imagine that professionals have heard it all and will be able to help him unravel all that's gone on. He must at least try because it isn't fair to you or his children to make this your lives too.
I'd insist he got help - it would be a condition of remaining married.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/03/2023 11:24

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:17

@MajesticWhine His parents who were done with having children had a child at the request of a religious leader and put him in a religious scheme where children are brainwashed into being told that their only purpose in life is to serve the religious community. That was the identity that was pushed onto him as a child. He didn’t want it and lived a double life (resulting in him becoming a liar) and also became a narcissistic because he was told he was ‘special’ because the religious leader had asked for him. He rejected all of it as an adult and is coming apart because of it.

So C-PTSD, Childhood Trauma, neglect/abandonment, being put into a form of institutionalised care and psychological abuse?

Sounds like a Psychologist's bread and butter.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:29

@ManchesterGirl2 I have been able to find a therapist who specialises in cults but because her focus seems to be on people who join cults (first generation) rather than those who are born into it and have it imposed on him, I think he’s a little uncertain. I’m going to try to push him on it a bit more.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Yes I agree the underlying issues are not anything extra-ordinary even if the circumstances that lead to them are quitw unusual

OP posts:
HeadacheEarthquake · 12/03/2023 11:32

Is he a peeb? There's a huge support network online

MajesticWhine · 12/03/2023 11:43

Therapy can definitely help with this. There are no quick fixes and long term therapy would be better. Everyone's situation is unique. The therapist may not be familiar with his exact circumstances but how could they be? It's their job to find out and to understand and help him to figure out what has happened to him and come to terms with it.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 12:28

Anyway whether he gets help is a long thing, in the short run does it make sense to go on holiday in the next two weeks?

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 12/03/2023 12:29

Yes I'd go....without him

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/03/2023 12:38

Part of the problem seems to be he still think of himself as special - his problem is so special that no psychologist can handle it? Whereas really it’s probably very familiar to them as others have said.

He sounds like he really needs help.

Would he be up for “letting” (in the sense of agreeing not to come) you take the kids away without him whilst he stays and focussed on getting some help?

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 12:51

The kids are very young (3 and 2) so would struggle on my own I think, but maybe it is possible I would need to think about it. Its a bit late now to ask anyone else.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 12/03/2023 12:59

I'd still go - he will be difficult, but you can always go off for days with the children - or let him have the children some days while you go off and have some time to yourself.
He needs to get help though, whether medication or talking therapy - if he'd broken a leg he wouldn't just sit on a sofa to see if it healed itself.

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2023 13:00

Is there any way you could carve out some alone time on the holiday? Childcare options that would give you a few hours to relax?

To what extent is your DH able to function? If, say, he can go to work and behave in a normal fashion there then he should be able to function on a family holiday.

If he sees his GP this week he could even have started treatment.

MajesticWhine · 12/03/2023 13:01

It doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs. But isn't it a bit too late to cancel?
How depressed is he? Can he manage getting up and doing some basic childcare.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 13:07

He’s able to function, get out bed etc it’s just very depressing being around him. Can still cancel the accommodation which is the biggest cost but would lose money on flights (about £500). Just feels so sad that our minds first holiday will be so miserable but maybe this idea of them having a nice memorable first holiday with them is something I need to get out of my head and just accept it can’t be that way.

OP posts:
Toffeeappler · 12/03/2023 13:14

I knew it would be religious trauma. The themes will be common even if the exact circumstances are individual and even his insistence on continuing to be the special one in terms of his suffering is part of it all.

I think I’d give him these options:

  1. We cancel and lose £500
  2. I go with the kids without you
  3. You go to the GP tomorrow and start on antidepressants and have a couple of initial therapy sessions over the next two weeks, so we can all go together

If he won’t choose, then you choose 1 or 2.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 13:17

I forgot to mention he has therapy about a year ago when it started and it got much worse (the worse before it gets better stage) so he probably won’t agree to it in the short run, I’m the run up to the holiday

OP posts:
Swiftswatch · 12/03/2023 13:17

What exactly is your preferred outcome?
You seem to be focusing on the holiday but ignoring the impact on daily life.

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