To not want to go on holiday with depressed husband

[Lostwifehelp]

We have booked to take our 2 young kinds for their first holiday abroad in a few weeks. My husband has depression (which he isn’t getting any help for). I feel like it’s pulling me down as well and I can’t really enjoy much. The purpose of holiday wasn’t so much enjoyment for us as it was for the kids but as it gets closer I feel like even that will be a huge challenge.

I'm not sure taking young children on holiday is relaxing really. And if you end up trapped in a room with a depressed husband all evening while the kids sleep...eugh.

I think you need to decide who the holiday is really for. A 2 year old and a 3 year old will probably enjoy themselves at the time, but it is not going to be the holiday they look back at with fond memories when they are older. As others have said, there will still be a lot of child caring for you to do there.

They will probably have as much fun going on day trips from home.

@BarrelOfOtters Thank you. I’m making a GP appointment. I don’t know why it didn’t even occur to me to get help for myself? Last night when begging him once again to get help I felt like I was going to have a breakdown myself.

Some while back I went through a few months of feeling low. He asked me to get help but I didn’t because it was very situational and I felt that I needed to wait out the situation getting better (which it eventually did and so did my mood). He uses that against me now when I ask him to get help for the very deep seated issues he has.

@Lostwifehelp I posted on here for help when my very depressed DH was at his worst. I got some good advice about looking after myself. It might be worth you thinking about starting a thread in Relationships.

In my case I made it clear that his behaviour was affecting me and that if he didn't seek help we couldn't carry on. I couldn't be his emotional punch bag. (Figuratively not literally). He got help, sought therapy, took medication, did exercise. I got some counselling through work which was really helpful as it gave me a safe space to talk to someone. I talked to my GP and also went along to a couple of his GP appointments to make sure he wasn't minimising.

I sought help from friends and family too. But the biggest take for me was that living day in day out with someone who is really depressed is that it has a huge toll on you too, but because of where they are, they often won't see that.

Honestly, at 3 and 2, the kids do not care where they go for a 'holiday'. No way would I go abroad in your circumstances. It would be such a waste. Spend some time with the kids locally or even a little further afield. They really aren't going to remember where they went at 2 and 3.
I also wouldn't wait around and hope my dh would seek treatment. He has a family who need him. He needs to take steps forward rather than just drag you all down.

@BarrelOfOtters thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve tried to explain that I can’t take it any more. I’ve asked him to move out, but he won’t. I guess the only other thing left would be for me to move out in order to give myself some space? If it was just me it would be easier to do that but there are also the kids.

@Lostwifehelp Reading my post that made it sound easy, it wasn't and it's not. But I feel for you and your situation, and putting yourself and your kids first is really hard in the situation your are in.

What is a peeb? Google is not helping.

It's slang for PBCC, which is the Plymouth brethren. Also known as the exclusive brethren, a separatist cult.

Sorry meant to add I used the slang as OP would know what I meant by it

Take someone else with you on holiday.
Tell him when you get back he needs to have spoken with his gp and engahed a therapist

How does the "depression" manifest?
Anger?
Refusal to engage?
Self harm?
Suicidal ideation?

Look up depression fallout

A holiday with two young children can be hit and miss at the best of times, going with a depressed husband just sounds like very hard work. I would also be concerned about being in a foreign country with two young kids if things deteriorated. Do you have travel insurance you could claim on? Can you investigate if you change the booking for 6 or 9 months time when life hopefully gets better.

Re the holiday. Book the DC into as many kids clubs as possible. They will love it. Take yourself off to the spa.

could DH be encouraged to swim/sunbathe/spa/exercise? If nothing else might get some endorphins? I’m out of my depth with regards to his mental health, so sorry for no suggestions re that.

Hi
May be I'm being unreasonable.
My son is 4 and he is starting school this September. Me and my H both got week off in June. However he doesn't want to go on holiday. He is saying we need to pay off our debts. I'm not asking for go aborad. May be in the country for few days it will give us some break from work. I work in very stressful job. Last few times when we went on holiday I paid for it all as my H says all the time he hasn't got money. I really don't know what to do. Even if I book anywhere I have to pay for everything .

I would prioritise paying down debts over a holiday too. Try and spend some quality time together, do what you would normally do on a budget holiday but at home.

Maybe start your own thread to get more replies.

Fuck, you're harsh!

Even with two fully engaged parents, a foreign holiday with two small kids of those ages would be challenging. On your own it would be a nightmare. Dragging him through it while he is depressed and self involved would be even worse.

Cancel the holiday, take the financial hit. Is there anywhere you can go in-country with your kids where you might get some help - parents, siblings? Leave him out of it. You can still have a nice break (well a change of scene, parents of 2/3 year olds don't get a break :P) without making it unnecessarily challenging for yourself.

Then focus on getting your husband to accept some help. Make it a condition of family life continuing, because your kids are small now but they won't be forever, and that deep dark feeling you get being under the cloud of his depressiong? They will have it too, the only difference being they will be utterly powerless as to whether they want to live like that or not.

Best to start your own thread.

I think holidays with 2 and 3 year olds are such hard work. I love going abroad but refused when they were that age as it wasn’t worth it. And that was with a non depressed husband. You need someone really hands on and even then you have eyes on them at all times. You need someone you can relax with in the evening - have some fun

I think cancel and I hope your husband accepts he needs help. Good luck.

This sounds like my partner in terms of the unique circumstances. He is not depressed but incredibly stressed and is really taking it out on us. We've just come back from Cyprus. I totally took it all on, just told himvto pack a pack and take so.e tome out. Got about three good days, but now we back he back to how he was. He was explaining it would be so hard to find someone to talk to because of these (not very in my eyes) special circumstances. I explained that someone that knows nothing is often better. They don't come with preconceived ideas but genuinely get to the nub of things more effectively. I am pretty sure the uniqueness is a false barrier to accepting help.

We ended up going on the holiday. It was ok. Kids really enjoyed it at least.

@Dogstar78 Mine has now moved on from therapists won’t understand my unique circumstances to, they aren’t very insightful or intelligent people (based on his experience with one counsellor). His friend told him he always finds himself trying to out-do and out-think his therapists and my husband agrees with that too. They are both lawyers, don’t know if that has something to do with it but clearly just another barrier to seeking help.

Ooh actually this is the best idea.

I did this with my aunt once - I was at a loose end having just finished my a-levels, she had a holiday booked with her husband and 2 boys but then husband leave fell through due to big stuff at work - so I went along, took my own spends by free flight, bed and board and a spare pair of hands/eyes for the kids so she could still relax some.

Actually he can be referred for counselling specifically for childhood trauma;the GP can assess if anti depressants will help;he may be referred to the outpatient's psychiatric unit to see a psychiatrist and on top of this he might be able to see a psychologist alongside this.

Aside from that I fully understand what it's like to go on holiday with a depressed husband;it's not a nice experience especially when they won't interact with you and the children,don't really talk to you and are generally miserable.

Long term it's really hard to remain with someone who won't engage with mental healthcare.

You don't say how many weeks until you go on holiday but however short, there is a lot that can be done to reduce the symptoms of depression quite quickly. If he's not getting treatment because he is in denial then ask him to take this very professional test. https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/depression-quiz He wouldn't refuse a plaster if he broke his leg. Refusing meds when it will affect others is (in my view) the utmost disrespect. Obviously not if it's for religious reasons)

OMG then he really does need to get help. That would cause PTSD, never mind simple depression.