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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with depressed husband

83 replies

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:03

We have booked to take our 2 young kinds for their first holiday abroad in a few weeks. My husband has depression (which he isn’t getting any help for). I feel like it’s pulling me down as well and I can’t really enjoy much. The purpose of holiday wasn’t so much enjoyment for us as it was for the kids but as it gets closer I feel like even that will be a huge challenge.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 13:18

I think you shouldn't get hung up on the first holiday thing. You can still find things that the kids enjoy, and the change of scene might do you all good.

Even when he does get therapy, this week be a marathon not a sprint, so try to find bits of joy even during his depression.

ThoughtNot · 12/03/2023 13:28

What sort of holiday is it? SC, AI, something in between? What sort of holidayers are you and what are the facilities like on site?

I am no psychoanalyst but personally I found antidepressants a stepping stone to being about to tackle the big picture stuff. If you can't get up off the sofa then you can't wait for therapy to fix that, you also need a hand getting up off the sofa. And when you're depressed you can find all joy sucked out of your life, which makes everything harder but most specifically toddlers. Antidepressants gave me that spark of joy back which let me enjoy my children again and made the day to day more bearable while I worked on the rest. You can get help from a GP for depression without them being an expert in your whole life history.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 12/03/2023 13:36

I understand that you booked the holiday for your children to enjoy. I also understand that a husband with depression can 'bring you down' - you may also be masking your own depression for the sake of your children.

I know that I mask my own depression for the sake of my wider family due to my own husband's depression.

I also dread family holidays and family gatherings but I am finding out that if I make the effort, it's never as bad as I thought it was going to be.

I think you should go, partly because it would be a waste to cancel and mainly because you will find some pleasure in your children's enjoyment of the holiday. I think you both will.

My children are adults and I have grandchildren - now going on holiday with my husband (the two of us) I'm doing my level best to avoid. That would be a nightmare for me. His depression has brought me down - no question. Being alone with him, when I resent his affects upon my own mental health - this is a 'no go area'.

My husband refuses help and denies he is depressed.

Your husband appears to acknowledge his history and seems more open to help if you can find a specific therapist. As pp have said, I'm sure tailored help is out there. I hope you can find resolution.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 12/03/2023 14:02

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:17

@MajesticWhine His parents who were done with having children had a child at the request of a religious leader and put him in a religious scheme where children are brainwashed into being told that their only purpose in life is to serve the religious community. That was the identity that was pushed onto him as a child. He didn’t want it and lived a double life (resulting in him becoming a liar) and also became a narcissistic because he was told he was ‘special’ because the religious leader had asked for him. He rejected all of it as an adult and is coming apart because of it.

Sadly that is far from an unique set of circumstances. Trust me!

He 100% needs a well trained therapist to help him unpack that all.

Original poster
Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 14:18

It’s an all inclusive resort holiday. Was supposed to be a lot of relaxing in the pool, beach, kids club etc

@LibrariansGiveUsPower Really? I am surprised to hear that.

OP posts:
ThoughtNot · 12/03/2023 14:23

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 14:18

It’s an all inclusive resort holiday. Was supposed to be a lot of relaxing in the pool, beach, kids club etc

@LibrariansGiveUsPower Really? I am surprised to hear that.

That sounds like the ideal holiday to manage
either with or without him. Keep it simple, have a routine, everyone has a siesta after lunch and maybe keep the kids up a bit later at the entertainment. Use kids' club if they will tolerate it, maybe keep it low demand on DH too, take good books etc for yourself and you will get the most out of what he is able to give.

Greenfairydust · 12/03/2023 14:27

Your husband is simply finding excuses.

Mental health professionals would be perfectly able to support him. They are used to working with people with all kind of trauma and from all walks of life.

It is not acceptable that he is not willing to seek help and make your life and your kids' lives miserable as a result.

Go on holiday with your kids by all means but what you really need to do is give your partner an ultimatum: either he seeks professional help or your marriage is over.

5128gap · 12/03/2023 14:27

Having been in your shoes, I wouldn't go.
There's something about being depressed while doing a fun thing that you're meant to be happy about, that feels so much worse for the depressed person, and often exacerbates the condition. I wouldn't want to be abroad, away from all sources of support, with a depressed partner and two small children (again).

Soproudoflionesses · 12/03/2023 14:31

I would go without him.

Sorry but some people don't help themselves and it sounds to me like he is just feeling sorry for himself. I know these things aren't black and white but if he is refusing to seek help then he is just being selfish.

NotMyDayJob · 12/03/2023 14:52

I would go without him. Your poor children. When are they going to get to have some fun in their lives.

I feel for him, I really do, it sounds like his upbringing was very traumatic, but ultimately people with mental health issues have to take some accountability for their own health and wellbeing. Particularly when it impacts other people, especially when that's their children.

pippabg · 12/03/2023 15:07

I think @Toffeeappler has it right. Give him three really clear options. Put the decision in his hands. Even if he can't schedule therapy before the holiday, he could make enquiries to set it up after he returns and/or should be able to have an initial appointment with a GP to discuss his issues.

I think it's a really selfish thing to not get help for yourself when people ask you to. I've gone through a lot myself, so I know it's hard, but you do it for the people you love, even if you can't see the benefit for yourself at the time.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/03/2023 15:10

I would just go as a family to get a change of scenery. Your dc are young so it doesn't need to be the holiday of a lifetime. Keep your expectations low. Take some time for yourself every day. So presumably you have a double buggy so pack dh off for a long walk so you can relax, read your book, and chill. Bring the dc to the beach and have some fun.
But when ye get back dh needs to go to counselling .
If he refuses he will have to live separately as he is dragging everyone down. And medication as well.

Sunriseinwonderland · 12/03/2023 15:15

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 11:08

His depression is to do with a very unique set of circumstances and he thinks that because no healthcare professional will be familiar with it or understand it they won’t be able to help.

I find that very hard to believe. It sounds like an excuse to me. Health professionals have seen all kinds of unbelievable things. Unless he is concerned about being seen as faking his problems to get what he wants.

Scottishskifun · 12/03/2023 15:18

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 14:18

It’s an all inclusive resort holiday. Was supposed to be a lot of relaxing in the pool, beach, kids club etc

@LibrariansGiveUsPower Really? I am surprised to hear that.

I would still go if it's this type of holiday as you will have most things sorted for you and can always have a breather each night when the kids are in bed that he can watch and you can go for a nice walk and grab a wine!

Not the same on cult level but we had a holiday booked and then FIL died suddenly with the holiday booked for 2 weeks later. I was really worried it was the wrong thing to do and worried DH would really struggle leaving me with children. Actually it was the best thing for him and us. It was a complete distraction in the warmth could get him to focus on plans for the next day, he loved seeing how excited DS1 was with swimming and with all food done for us no stress in trying to do house things. Only tricky part was the travel.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 15:20

I have been depressed about something that I thought was unique. And actually, the event was unique. It was very unusual in the general circumstances, I've not met anyone whose experienced quite the same thing, and although people more similar may exist somewhere, it still won't be identical.

I felt very stigmatised and as if no-one could possibly understand me. But that wasn't true. People who'd experienced vaguely similar things could help. And I started reading lots of autobiographical books and found others had had different but unique terrible experiences. And survived and found meaning again.

It's easy to give up when you feel uniquely hurt. But although no-one else has had that exact experience, and friends may not "get it", there will be thousands of people out there who have experienced different elements of what he is feeling, who he can relate to.

Crumpleton · 12/03/2023 15:22

I'd ask him if he still wants to go.
If he does I'd have a chat about him seeing the Dr before you go to ask advise re the depression
and see how he is on the holiday.
Depression is terribly difficult for a person who sees no way out, TBF negativity on their part in not excepting any suggestions of help doesn't make it easy for you but unless he does face up to it then there's probably only go to be one way this ends.
Neither yourself or your DC can live like this long term.

If he doesn't want to go then you'll have to decide whether you can manage the DC on your own.

Upsidedownagain · 12/03/2023 15:35

I think I'd go on the holiday. Being away from home changes the focus, everyday stuff can be shelved for a while. We went on lots of all inclusive holidays when our kids were young - not my idea of a holiday at all (I like to explore new places) but you have to focus on the kids when they are that young and I did enjoy seeing them enjoy themselves. I also liked not needing to do chores or make any decisions beyond the immediate activity. I'm a keen reader too, so I took lots of books to read when I got a chance and the children were safely supervised.

Can it really be worse than your day to day life? The packing and getting there is the hard part, but you should be able to relax a bit once you're there. You might even meet someone nice to chat to.

Toffeeappler · 12/03/2023 21:43

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 13:17

I forgot to mention he has therapy about a year ago when it started and it got much worse (the worse before it gets better stage) so he probably won’t agree to it in the short run, I’m the run up to the holiday

No, but he COULD start the initial relationship with the therapist and ask to use the first two sessions to look at strategies to help him cope on holiday…

Yayasisterhood · 12/03/2023 21:55

I’ve been faced with a similar conundrum. I decided:

To be kind to him - he doesn’t want to be this way.

but not to try to fix any of his problems. Ever.

to be clear about my boundaries… “I know things are hard at the moment but it makes me feel X when you do Y…”

to do the fun thing whether or not he wanted to come because and and my child deserve an adventure

to prioritise my well-being and organise things to fill my cup.

I think you should go. I think he can come if he wants. I think you should have a lovely time and be clear about what you will or won’t tolerate.

BarrelOfOtters · 12/03/2023 23:02

5128gap · 12/03/2023 14:27

Having been in your shoes, I wouldn't go.
There's something about being depressed while doing a fun thing that you're meant to be happy about, that feels so much worse for the depressed person, and often exacerbates the condition. I wouldn't want to be abroad, away from all sources of support, with a depressed partner and two small children (again).

I think this post hits the nail on the head for me. Went away with severely depressed husband and it was so much worse than being at home. We came back early.

he needs to get help as do you.

ChellyT · 13/03/2023 00:55

Lostwifehelp · 12/03/2023 12:51

The kids are very young (3 and 2) so would struggle on my own I think, but maybe it is possible I would need to think about it. Its a bit late now to ask anyone else.

Pack those bags mumma or at least start with a thorough packing list!

Would you really struggle with your two little ones on holidays at an all inclusive resort OR are you also making excuses? Use the kids club, give those babies days of swimming, sunning and eating...

Give yourself a day or two of nothing but relaxation in between the days the little ones are at kids club

sorcerersapprentice · 13/03/2023 06:25

All inclusive is the easiest type of holiday. If anything, it'll be a break from doing the washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc and may hopefully give you a bit of a boost. Use the kids clubs if you can. Take him but don't expect much from him - he can sort his own activities while he's there. Make sure you and your DCs do what you enjoy

5128gap · 13/03/2023 07:20

ChellyT · 13/03/2023 00:55

Pack those bags mumma or at least start with a thorough packing list!

Would you really struggle with your two little ones on holidays at an all inclusive resort OR are you also making excuses? Use the kids club, give those babies days of swimming, sunning and eating...

Give yourself a day or two of nothing but relaxation in between the days the little ones are at kids club

Show quote history

I don't think it would look like that at all to be quite honest.
For a start she has to get there, struggling through security with two toddlers and their paraphernalia, often at times when they're tired and grouchy. Entertaining them on the plane and during delays. Coping with at least one buggy plus a lot of luggage. Managing buffet meals in a busy AI resturant, simply not enough hands to get everyone their food.
Supervising two toddlers by the pool..no ones idea of relaxation.
If they enjoy kids club, it's a bonus. Many don't.
I'm not saying it's impossible, but I can't imagine for a moment it being better than being at home where at least their other parent makes some contribution.

napody · 13/03/2023 07:27

To be honest, I'm amazed that someone has been through all that is not having therapy routinely- as in throughout adult life rather than waiting for depression to hit.

As for the holiday- I don't think there's much he can do last minute to 'fix' it... its just a question of whether you'd rather have him there overall to help with the kids) than not.

I do think that people saying it'll be a lovely relaxing break are being a bit optimistic unless both children tolerate the kids club without issue. There are many hundreds of threads on here from people who realised that their first holiday with young kids was not like any kind of holiday they'd had before! Maybe manage expectations a bit for yourself too! With or without your husband, it may be a graft but it's an exciting new experience for them.

napody · 13/03/2023 07:28

5128gap · 13/03/2023 07:20

I don't think it would look like that at all to be quite honest.
For a start she has to get there, struggling through security with two toddlers and their paraphernalia, often at times when they're tired and grouchy. Entertaining them on the plane and during delays. Coping with at least one buggy plus a lot of luggage. Managing buffet meals in a busy AI resturant, simply not enough hands to get everyone their food.
Supervising two toddlers by the pool..no ones idea of relaxation.
If they enjoy kids club, it's a bonus. Many don't.
I'm not saying it's impossible, but I can't imagine for a moment it being better than being at home where at least their other parent makes some contribution.

Show quote history

Ha didn't see this- yes I agree! It'll probably have moments of joy but I think it'll be a far cry from relaxing!