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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not responding to my Dad

84 replies

sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 10:53

DH and I are going through a bit of a rough patch since having DS who is 12 months. Just exhaustion and struggling to balance everything plus a few big changes - new job, big house renovations.. lots of change in a year. My parents are very supportive 1 we live far away so not ‘present’ support but financially they are very generous and often gift us quite large chunks of money and take all the family on holiday etc etc. We visit often and all generally have a good relationship.

My DH is quite a different personality to my Dad who is very social and likes to keep strong close family relationships.
DH’s parents are divorced and his family is quite a quiet/independent dynamic but also all friendly and we have good relationships with them. I speak to my MIL on video call on at least a weekly basis and we get on fine.

My dad knows we are having a tough time and has offered us a three figure sun to stay at a fancy hotel, whilst he and my mum look after our DS for the night. He sent this offer by message to DH.

He showed me the message and we had a brief chat but didn’t really decide either way to take it or not. DH has not even bothered to reply to my dads message.. I think that’s really rude and he could’ve had the decency to reply and at least say thanks for the kind offer…

I feel if tables were turned I would have at least replied with acknowledgment of the thought???

I suppose I am already miffed because I feel I maintain our family relationships and he rarely makes the effort. He doesn’t even really calm his mum unless she calls several times and then I ask if he’s called her back. I get the general feeling he can’t be arsed with either of our families.. if I said that to him he would say it’s not true.

I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.. present buying.. preparing, organising trips… Sometimes I think how nice it would be to be married to someone who is enthusiastic about our families and would enjoy a relationship with my Dad who is really active and social still. I suppose my original AIBU is just about DH responding to the text?? Am I being too demanding do you think wise women of MN.

Sorry for the rambling post! X

OP posts:
Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 10:55

Also apologies for the autotype errors.. on my phone in the back of the car! X

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 12/03/2023 10:58

Why did your DF send the message to your DH in the first place? That's weird in my opinion. Is it because he thinks that only the men can talk about money?

takealettermsjones · 12/03/2023 11:00

This is a difficult one because on the face of it, of course he should say thank you for a very generous offer like that, but I am also wondering whether your parents are making him feel uncomfortable. Lots of people are uneasy with what they see as charity coming their way, and find it difficult to know what to say. Are you/your parents pushing him into a situation he's uncomfortable with?

Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 11:02

@mynameiscalypso oh no not at all he’s quite open with money and I think just wanted to offer the gesture. We are staying with them at that time and they are babysitting whilst we attend an event - It’s just he offered for us to stay away for the night if we liked. Maybe he sent it to DH because the event is a work related event (to DHs work) or that he thought it would be more romantic that way.. I dont think there’s any underlying reason he sent to DH rather than me. X

OP posts:
Aftjbtibg · 12/03/2023 11:02

Yes it was rude not to respond.
However you’ve taken on the role of maintaining the relationship with his mum and you didn’t need to do that.

GiltEdges · 12/03/2023 11:03

I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.. present buying.. preparing, organising trips…

You've answered your own problem. Stop doing it. Your DH is responsible for his own relationships with people. If he can't be bothered/doesn't value them, then that's on him. If he doesn't want to respond to your Ddad then he doesn't have to. Likewise, no one is forcing you to speak to MIL once a week if your DH can't even make the effort to do so himself.

Out of interest though, why did your dad make the offer to DH and not to you directly?

GiltEdges · 12/03/2023 11:04

Cross posted. Still think that explanation is weird.

DevantMaJardin · 12/03/2023 11:05

Just talk to your own parents, problem solved! You're spending too much time ruminating over whether your DH was rude and not enough time addressing the structural issues in your relationship setup. You talk to your parents, your DH should talk to his parents, and it's both of your prerogatives if you do/don't talk to anyone in your lives including parents.

Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 11:05

@takealettermsjones thanks for your reply - maybe. It’s possible I think that he sees my dad as ‘too much’. It’s a shame as my dad is just trying to have a close relationship with him I feel. And help support us through a tough patch. Even if it was too much I think replying saying thanks is an expected thing to do? I feel my MIL can be too much but I put the effort in for our families and still maintain ties xx

OP posts:
Comedycook · 12/03/2023 11:06

Your dh sounds unbelievably rude

parietal · 12/03/2023 11:08

your DH should reply. but this kind of thing should not be done solely by text message - it is a conversation that needs a bit of nuance, especially if you haven't decided if you want to accept the offer or not.

phone your Dad and then pass the phone to DH for DH to thank your Dad for the kind offer in a conversation.

Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 11:10

@DevantMaJardin thanks for your reply. You’re right about structural issues - I think I feel we have different ideas about what ‘normal’ extended family relationships are. My family are all quite close and we enjoy that.. his is the opposite (although MIL would prefer to be closer to DH I’m sure and is very close to SIL). Complicated if you have different examples and expectations of relationships across the group. X

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 12/03/2023 11:11

I bet your husband is embarrassed by the offer knowing you will have discussed things with your parent. This is busybodying OP engineered by yourself

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 12/03/2023 11:11

It's not having a different personality type. It's rudeness. Your husband is bad mannered. There's no excuse for it.

Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 11:11

@parietal good idea!! I suppose I am a bit resentful about the lack of effort he makes and feel I pick up his slack.
We are staying with them soon so he will probably be asked faced time faced but I feel embarrassed he hasn’t even replied at all without being prompted (again). X

OP posts:
5128gap · 12/03/2023 11:12

Is there a tiny bit of 'here son, take this and treat my daughter (because you can't afford to look after her like I can)' about your dad? I ask because its very common in men of my generation to flex a bit where younger men and finances are concerned. If it isn't that, could you husband think it is?

neitherofthem · 12/03/2023 11:15

Is there a chance (even subconsciously) that your DH views it as an affront to his masculinity, and that he feels embarrassed that he can't provide for his own family?

Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 11:15

@5128gap do you know I suspect there is some pride involved… DH can afford to treat us but maybe my dad would like him to do it more… my gut is that my dad is just generally trying to offer an ‘easy’ treat as he suspects it would benefit us. Maybe DH thinks it’s interfering or that my dad feels he’s falling short..

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 12/03/2023 11:17

Regardless of whether your DH is embarrassed or whatever, it's incredibly rude to not even thank him for the kind offer. Even if he says, 'Thanks but no thanks'. It's rude.

feelinglikeanewparent · 12/03/2023 11:18

Stop taking responsibility for maintaining relationships.

Or alternatively, keep doing it and stop moaning that your DH doesn't.

You do you and allow him to manager his relationships (or not) as he chooses.

I'd also ask your Dad to back off abit. As lovely and generous as he sounds, he needs to allow your DH to take care of his own family, which I would understand if he get he couldn't or was being judged by your dad because in his eyes maybe 'he isn't'.

In response to your original question, yes your DH should've said thank you.

But I think you need to get to the bottom of why he hasn't.

Original poster
sjxoxo · 12/03/2023 11:20

Yes I think even if its offended him etc he could still reply. I regularly have to deflect unwanted advice or overreach from MIL and still keep the peace and not cause offence. I feel disappointed he hasn’t taken the initiative to reply even if it was just ‘oh thanks! We’ll see’ X

OP posts:
traintraveller · 12/03/2023 11:23

I wonder if your husband is trying to put some boundaries in place. Your family sounds too much for him and why are you involving yourself in how he communicates with his family. You obviously have very different experiences of family and I think you need to ask your dad to back off.

whumpthereitis · 12/03/2023 11:24

Was it rude not to acknowledge the message? Yes.

But, you’ve taken on the role of being the family organiser of your own volition, because you think your family dynamics are the correct ones, and now you think his failure to conform to your expectations is burdening you with a duty. It isn’t. Accept his family dynamics for what they are. They may not be to your liking but that doesn’t mean it’s your job to ‘fix’ what you see as a problem.

Not all families are tight knit, and they don’t have to be. A lot of people do not want to be, and would feel suffocated with the type of family setup you consider ideal. Your preference is valid, but equally so is his.

mynameiscalypso · 12/03/2023 11:25

I totally understand that other people's family dynamics often seem wrong to us (I think this all the time with DH!) but it's not that one is 'better' than the other, it's just different. Of course, your DH should be polite but you can't force a dynamic that isn't there.

NoSquirrels · 12/03/2023 11:26

Extremely rude.

Someone makes you a generous offer. You ignore them.

It doesn’t matter who/how/why, it’s shockingly rude not to even acknowledge the offer.

(It’s worse that it’s your parent, but in general it’s just really rude.)