DH not responding to my Dad

[sjxoxo]

DH and I are going through a bit of a rough patch since having DS who is 12 months. Just exhaustion and struggling to balance everything plus a few big changes - new job, big house renovations.. lots of change in a year. My parents are very supportive 1 we live far away so not ‘present’ support but financially they are very generous and often gift us quite large chunks of money and take all the family on holiday etc etc. We visit often and all generally have a good relationship.

My DH is quite a different personality to my Dad who is very social and likes to keep strong close family relationships.
DH’s parents are divorced and his family is quite a quiet/independent dynamic but also all friendly and we have good relationships with them. I speak to my MIL on video call on at least a weekly basis and we get on fine.

My dad knows we are having a tough time and has offered us a three figure sun to stay at a fancy hotel, whilst he and my mum look after our DS for the night. He sent this offer by message to DH.

He showed me the message and we had a brief chat but didn’t really decide either way to take it or not. DH has not even bothered to reply to my dads message.. I think that’s really rude and he could’ve had the decency to reply and at least say thanks for the kind offer…

I feel if tables were turned I would have at least replied with acknowledgment of the thought???

I suppose I am already miffed because I feel I maintain our family relationships and he rarely makes the effort. He doesn’t even really calm his mum unless she calls several times and then I ask if he’s called her back. I get the general feeling he can’t be arsed with either of our families.. if I said that to him he would say it’s not true.

I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.. present buying.. preparing, organising trips… Sometimes I think how nice it would be to be married to someone who is enthusiastic about our families and would enjoy a relationship with my Dad who is really active and social still. I suppose my original AIBU is just about DH responding to the text?? Am I being too demanding do you think wise women of MN.

Sorry for the rambling post! X

I agree with this.

You are being infantised by your parents and I suspect your DH is getting fed up with it.

Stop accepting handouts and work out your issues between the two of you.

DH deals with his family, I deal with mine. No free passengers that way.

I'm not a fan of unsolicited gifts. This puts your DH into a position of having to be thankful to your Dad. Perhaps he doesn't want to. He didn't ask for this gift after all.

If you talk to your parents about your marriage problems I'm not surprised your husband doesn't want to accept the money.

Put your husband first, try and understand his point of view if your marriage has any chance of succeeding .

Your husband probably feels like he's married to them aswell.

Yes, I agree with this. I feel a bit sorry for your dh to be honest. You sound like a daddys girl, and he fixes all your problems for you. Maybe your husband has had enough of it all, and them interfering. I think its strange your father didn't text you, asking about the hotel. Speak to.your dh and ask him how he's feeling. And yes, I do think he should have replied to you father, even it was a "thanks for the offer I'll speak to OP"

Not what you asked, but in your situation, I'd take your parents up on the offer of babysitting and book a solo trip away just for you to recharge your batteries.

No reason why you should miss out on the treat because your "D"H is a rude, miserable git. And he might think twice about failing to make any effort next time.

Hmm. I can understand someone being uncomfortable at feeling like a charity case. Especially when the dynamics of make egotism are thrown into the mix.

But he should have replied anyway.

*male egotism

Just tell your DH bluntly that he should reply please, even if it’s a no thanks

My DH is terrible for not replying to his own parents, so I always have to remind him - I don’t tell him what to say, just tell him to reply.

and let this be an opener to discussing your rough patch, making time for yourself as a couple etc?

Wow wasn’t expecting so many replies.
I suppose I am a daddy’s girl in that we are close. I wouldn’t say he ‘fixes all my problems’ but equally I know the support is there if I want it or needed it. The money that comes our way is mainly just generosity from my parents’, they are happy to offer us security for the long term and have recently inherited a large estate which they want to share with me/us/siblings for various reasons. DH has no issue accepting that.. or so he says/appears. I wouldn’t say they fix our problems though as one poster politely put and we certainly don’t rely on any money from them and we don’t ‘need’ it. Interesting those saying that there’s no obligation on my part to maintain relationships eg with his family - I actually do see that as a bit of an obligation, mostly one I’m happy to make. I feel that a family unit is based on relationships and I would be sad if my family didn’t have that element. I think I also feel guilty re my MIL - I can see she is desperate to be close to her son and his effort is s*. He didn’t even buy her an Xmas gift.. I did it all. I wouldn’t want to see her upset at the thought he hadn’t got her anything.. I think it really saddens her that they aren’t closer. I say I think, I know is the truth because she says so in an indirect way. I think she’d be sad if I withdrew from her because I couldn’t be bothered and I can see the happiness my DS brings her when we chat on video etc. I think it’s polite and the decent thing to do, to maintain a good relationship with her and DH’s family in general. Agree with the pp who suggested we have different ideas of what constitutes ‘normal family ties’. I will have a think if there’s any way we can bridge the gap and how I could improve the dynamic. Thanks all for your input & interesting perspectives x

Yeah op. Stop accepting help and support from your loving family. If your dh doesn’t think you deserve treats then you and your dc should just go without like a good family. Your dh’s pride is far more important than maintaining good family relations. That’ll be why he hasn’t bothered to thank your df. This is all his fault for trying to do something nice and making your poor dh feel bad.🙄

Honestly op, this isn’t about different family expectations. Embarrassed or not he’s behaving like a twat. My dmil drives me batty at times and my dh definitely had his moments with my dm (she was so generous but could be a touch interfering and never missed an opportunity to express an opinion). But neither of us have ever been rude to our in-laws as we know they love us and mean well. My dm often offered us money but my dh would thank her for her lovely offer, tell her there was no need and make a joke of it. He didn’t see it as an insult or an affront to his pride, he realised it was normal family generosity.

I couldn’t be with anyone who didn’t demonstrate a basic level of respect to my dm and your dh behaviour is disgusting. He doesn’t have to accept but he should at least have the grace to respond. He doesn’t sound like a quality person.

Your husband should have responded, but your dad is weird and is massively overstepping. I think it's really inappropriate he went to your husband with this offer, honestly. I think your dad likes to one-up your husband and it boarders on creepy.

Interesting those saying that there’s no obligation on my part to maintain relationships eg with his family - I actually do see that as a bit of an obligation, mostly one I’m happy to make

Then that’s something you’re choosing to take on. You’re complaining that it’s left to you as a woman, but in reality you’re actively choosing to pick it up as a duty despite the fact you don’t have to, and aren’t actually expected to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Off topic, but why do you keep putting a kiss at the bottom of your posts?

Just curious. Might just be me but it undermines what you are saying.

I just think you have very different expectations. I think it's odd that your dad chose to message your husband about staying in the hotel. Its a kind offer but it also has connentations that he's suggesting it would be 'romantic' and a solution to your marital problems. I must be honest, I'd be inclined to show it to you then get you to sort it.....or accept that he's not going to.
You said
"I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.. present buying.. preparing, organising trips…"

I'm perhaps one of the 'free passengers' but I often feel a 'hijacked passenger'. I would genuinely opt out of lots of things. Xmas day is one. I don't necessarily think people are looking for a free ride, they just don't care in the way you do. Your husband hasn't gold you simply because he can't be bothered to 'sort thing' with your dad. He's giving you the option of sorting it thecway you want because he's declined to follow your rules. How would you feel if he just texted back No Thanks. I've done that and other people expect more.Hes giving you some choice.
As for relationships with his family....stop if you don't want to but don't expect him to take up the slack. He's really notvss bothered by these details as you are.

Do you always accept these 'large chunks of cash?' Do you need them?
Too involved nevertheless. Put some boundaries in place.

It's not just you.

Why don't you tell him to get back to your dad asap please??

@Snowflake2023 why are you being so pedantic? Just curious.

Haha!! Habit I guess. You’re obvs not a hun 🤣🤣🤣🤣 X

No we don’t always accept them. Some larger ones are planned well in advance which we do discuss & organise. We don’t live in the UK (DH & I) so some planning is required to declare as required. My parents’ know we can manage without. My Dad grew up with very very little and had a hard life up until probably his 50s, and I think as a result now he is very generous. Also maybe because we are far away they want to give some support. That said I have two younger siblings much closer to home who also have the same financial support time to time. Possibly slightly more actually as one of them is in a bit of difficulty. It’s ironic really to say they are too involved when we see them probably every couple of months for short periods x

I would view your dads offer as meddling in my relationship and sticking his oar in if I were your OH.
if his mum had made a similar offer based on your relationship difficulties wouldn’t you think she was over stepping?

Have you asked your dh why he didn't respond?

'Hun' as in MLM?

My dad might offer money but he would do so to me, his daughter, i.e. his own family member.
He would never offer money as part of interfering in my relationship - and if he did we would both wonder what was wrong.

If my husband received a text offering something that we hadn't decided to accept, he would respond gratefully and appropriately but only when we'd actually decided whether to accept it - he wouldn't see the point in replying before that.

You say your MIL really wants to be close to your husband but imply he'd rather have some distance. Why do you think you know better than he does about his relationships with his own family?

This. How hard is it to at least acknowledge the text? So very rude. But it seems he’s like this with almost everyone. So it’s not personal. I’d just tell your dad not to bother with him anymore as he’s not good with texting.