DH not responding to my Dad

[sjxoxo]

DH and I are going through a bit of a rough patch since having DS who is 12 months. Just exhaustion and struggling to balance everything plus a few big changes - new job, big house renovations.. lots of change in a year. My parents are very supportive 1 we live far away so not ‘present’ support but financially they are very generous and often gift us quite large chunks of money and take all the family on holiday etc etc. We visit often and all generally have a good relationship.

My DH is quite a different personality to my Dad who is very social and likes to keep strong close family relationships.
DH’s parents are divorced and his family is quite a quiet/independent dynamic but also all friendly and we have good relationships with them. I speak to my MIL on video call on at least a weekly basis and we get on fine.

My dad knows we are having a tough time and has offered us a three figure sun to stay at a fancy hotel, whilst he and my mum look after our DS for the night. He sent this offer by message to DH.

He showed me the message and we had a brief chat but didn’t really decide either way to take it or not. DH has not even bothered to reply to my dads message.. I think that’s really rude and he could’ve had the decency to reply and at least say thanks for the kind offer…

I feel if tables were turned I would have at least replied with acknowledgment of the thought???

I suppose I am already miffed because I feel I maintain our family relationships and he rarely makes the effort. He doesn’t even really calm his mum unless she calls several times and then I ask if he’s called her back. I get the general feeling he can’t be arsed with either of our families.. if I said that to him he would say it’s not true.

I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.. present buying.. preparing, organising trips… Sometimes I think how nice it would be to be married to someone who is enthusiastic about our families and would enjoy a relationship with my Dad who is really active and social still. I suppose my original AIBU is just about DH responding to the text?? Am I being too demanding do you think wise women of MN.

Sorry for the rambling post! X

So you live a considerable distance from your family.

OP, are you happily married?

Do you really think your marriage is going to last the dustance?

If you had your time over and knew what you know now, would you choose him?

Because if you have even the slightest hesitation, it would be far better your father hold on to any gifts that will be come marital property.

You sound possibly mismatched.

Your father may have been a bit over enthusiastic and your husband may feel intimidated by that, but your family are not close by and having a supportive family IS a wonderful thing.

I would have a tactful chat with your father about stepping back a bit with offers of any further money, but I think you should keep your family close to in a quieter way.

You may well need them for support.

I did wonder if this was a clash of male egos. You say you've accepted generous cash donations from your parents before. Maybe your husband is feeling slightly uncomfortable about this and a like less of a man for having to accept this money. Then your dad goes to him, not you, to offer yet another gift. I can see why your DH might feel awkward. I'd question your dad's motives in approaching your DH rather than you. Is it possible he was trying to be the "big man"?
Money is a very sensitive issue and your dad should have gone to you.
Equally it's very rude indeed to ignore the message! But I can see how the whole situation is rubbing your DH up the wrong way.

Your DF has offered you over a hundred thousand pounds if you and your DH agree to stay in a hotel for a night so they can babysit your child? I'm sorry OP but this sounds dodgy as hell! I'm not surprised your DH hasn't responded.

There's an obvious reason your DH hasn't replied that most posters haven't picked up on - you haven't decided whether to accept the offer or not yet.

Yes, I know some people are very prompt messagers and will text back "thanks, need to discuss it first" immediately but others (like me) don't really like to sent waffly non-answers to offers/invites - I wait til I can say yes or no. Which ideally shouldn't be long but as I'm sure you know these things can slip.

Make up your mind about what your answer is, then he can and should actually answer!

(I do also think the underlying stuff about your husband wanting your dad to back off a bit could be accurate as well, so it's certainly worth having a chat about that.)

"Your DF has offered you over a hundred thousand pounds if you and your DH agree to stay in a hotel for a night so they can babysit your child? I'm sorry OP but this sounds dodgy as hell! I'm not surprised your DH hasn't responded."

A three figure sum is anything between 100 and 999 pounds !

It would have been a pretty epic hotel stay though!

sjxoxo being too involved doesn't just mean living in close proximity or seeing each other often. You can be over involved from a distance. I'm not the only one to think so.

“I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.”
^
this is so true in lots of relationships/families. I stopped buying gifts for in-laws and just accept that left to my husbands it means they often get nothing or get something late.

It was rude for him not to reply to your father after being offered a nice gift. Could he have thought you would reply. Probably best just to ask him to acknowledge the texts.

As for the wider relationships. I’d maintain the ones you get value from and leave anything else.if that means the relationships with some people drifts then so be it. Some people just aren’t in to family as much as others. So it’s also reasonable to think maybe he wouldn’t went to see family as much as you. I certainly don’t want to speak to my family weekly.

I think it was rude of him to not respond to the offer, but overall it sounds like you're very different in terms of family relationships and he probably feels a bit suffocated. Similar to me and DH, he comes from a big close family that all like to be in touch daily on a whatsapp group, hug a lot in person, whereas I have a more 'formal', kinda distant in his eyes relationship with my dad. We talk weekly and see one another every few months and that's absolutely fine. But we respect one another's ways, I have zero issue of course with how he relates to his family and nor would he try and make me have more contact with his family. I would feel quite offended and suffocated tbh if DH tried to step in and tell me when to respond to messages from people, regardless of who they are.

The gift thing though... yeah, rude not to acknowledge it. But can equally see how sometimes you just think 'oh I'll respond to that later' and don't get around to it. And if being given money is a regular thing it probably does become a bit taken for granted rather than some huge wow, amazing thing. Maybe DH doesn't want that much financial exchange between families?