DH not responding to my Dad

[sjxoxo]

DH and I are going through a bit of a rough patch since having DS who is 12 months. Just exhaustion and struggling to balance everything plus a few big changes - new job, big house renovations.. lots of change in a year. My parents are very supportive 1 we live far away so not ‘present’ support but financially they are very generous and often gift us quite large chunks of money and take all the family on holiday etc etc. We visit often and all generally have a good relationship.

My DH is quite a different personality to my Dad who is very social and likes to keep strong close family relationships.
DH’s parents are divorced and his family is quite a quiet/independent dynamic but also all friendly and we have good relationships with them. I speak to my MIL on video call on at least a weekly basis and we get on fine.

My dad knows we are having a tough time and has offered us a three figure sun to stay at a fancy hotel, whilst he and my mum look after our DS for the night. He sent this offer by message to DH.

He showed me the message and we had a brief chat but didn’t really decide either way to take it or not. DH has not even bothered to reply to my dads message.. I think that’s really rude and he could’ve had the decency to reply and at least say thanks for the kind offer…

I feel if tables were turned I would have at least replied with acknowledgment of the thought???

I suppose I am already miffed because I feel I maintain our family relationships and he rarely makes the effort. He doesn’t even really calm his mum unless she calls several times and then I ask if he’s called her back. I get the general feeling he can’t be arsed with either of our families.. if I said that to him he would say it’s not true.

I often think that men are free passengers in family groups where women maintain all the relationships.. present buying.. preparing, organising trips… Sometimes I think how nice it would be to be married to someone who is enthusiastic about our families and would enjoy a relationship with my Dad who is really active and social still. I suppose my original AIBU is just about DH responding to the text?? Am I being too demanding do you think wise women of MN.

Sorry for the rambling post! X

^to add, while it is rude to not reply, I think the context matters. If he feels your father is too full on with his involvement and this is yet another example of that, then I understand why he wouldn’t want to tbh.

How long has it been since your DF texted your DH? It could be that your DH thinks you need to make a decision on whether you are taking him up on the offer before he texts back.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not being super close and doing things with your dad. As long as he's at least polite and they are at the very least civil in each other's company I'd say that's fine.
My EX-MIL was very over-bearing, but also felt she was better than everyone, which ex couldn't see. So gestures such as this would be viewed as him as lovely, whereas I, and others, could see it wasn't meant that way.
Regardless, he should have sent a text along the lines of "thank you for the offer but we'll probably do this ourselves sometime instead" so your dad knew he had received the message.

Could he be privately feeling the text was more like a HERE BOY, TAKE MY MONEY SO YOU CAN GO AND SHAG MY DAUGHTER FOR THE NIGHT, HA HA type of message? So he's weirded out by his involvement in your sex life?

Why though? I’m not bothered about talking to my own parents that frequently for many reasons and I’d be really annoyed if my boyfriend took it upon himself to message and call them. I WANT to keep them at arm’s length. If you’re close with your family that’s great but he isn’t obliged to have the same level of interaction. He married you, not your whole family. Does he find your dad intrusive if he gets messages from him a lot?

yes, the polite thing is to acknowledge and say thank you, but like others I think it’s weird your dad didn’t message you directly.

My boyfriend of nearly 14 years made some comment about me becoming the 'organiser' of Christmas/Birthday cards/presents, like his mother, when were first together. My reply was 'why, have your hands fallen off?'. Sexist as fuck to expect that as a woman it was going to be my responsibility to maintain his family relationships. I stomped on that hard from the beginning. I couldn't even tell you the dates of his parent's birthdays. His family = his responsibility.

Why do you keep accepting money off your parents? Maybe your husband is embarrassed by them constantly throwing their cash around.

@TedMullins Totally agree with your post. I'd be pissed off at the father acting the 'big man with money' as well. My ex inlaws never had my mobile number. I'm not any man's fucking unpaid secretary.

I don't think you're being demanding at all and I agree with what you're saying about men being passengers. It's very rude of your husband to not respond to your dad. Is this rudeness and lack of care a symptom of why you're going through a rough patch?

Extremely rude.

I'm sure if your husband was offended by this generous offer that he would've said something to you. It sounds to me as though you both want a different kind of family. I'm on your side here. He sounds really miserable actually. I would be tempted to say to my dad, if he was ever going to give me any money, to put it in premium bonds or other savings because I think in the future you might want that money in order to separate.

I think your dad should have made the offer to you. If my parents were offering favours or money, they'd speak to me, not DH. Then I'd discuss it with DH.
But yes, I agree that your husband is being very rude. I couldn't bear to ignore someone's kindness like that! How can he? Even if he doesn't want it he should thank them.
It sounds like he can't be bothered in general with maintaining family relations. I don't think all men are like this. My own DH communicates a lot with his family and mine. He really cares about family. My 2 brothers are also very attentive with my parents and friendly to their inlaws.

I feel like your dad needs to back off - that text would seem really emasculating to a man in my opinion

REALLY?! Pass the phone to DH so he can thank her dad? He’s not a toddler or child.

It is very rude of your husband but maybe he feels a bit embarrassed to take him up on his offer or that your dad has felt compelled to offer this at all? They aren’t his family and it’s almost like your dad is suggesting he can’t support you adequately as your husband. It’s not on to not respond though, that’s basic manners.

Your dad should have offered the money to you not your husband. Your husband should have replied, but you say you hadn’t decided whether to take it or not, so maybe he was waiting until you had clarity on that before answering?

That aside you do you and let him do him. He doesn’t have to fall into your pattern of maintaining family relationships and likewise you don’t have to do it for him.

How's about you stand on your own two feet and talk to your husband instead of daddy throwing money at you to fix your problems.

I'm on the fence here.

On the one hand, your DH shouldn't have ignored the message - even if he just said "That's a lovely gesture, thank you! I'll speak to SJ about."

On the other hand, I think your dad has put your DH in a bit of an awkward position and I suspect he's been made to feel a bit inadequate by your dad's gesture, however well-meaning it was. Your dad should have spoken to you about the idea instead of going to your DH about it - it comes across as a bit interfering and like he thinks your DH isn't doing enough for his daughter, iyswim.

Yes, I wonder about this.
You don’t have to accept every handout, and whilst I agree that your OH should have replied, maybe he’s trying to come up with a non-inflammatory way to say no.

Depends if he thinks she’d be receptive to him saying anything. You wouldn’t necessarily say something to someone you know is going to dismiss it.

He may very well be miserable, because what OP feels is normal is to him overbearing and suffocating. It does sound like they want different types of families, but I’m not sure ‘taking sides’ is helpful, because it’s framing it as a battle to be won (and lost), rather than respecting, and working with, two different but valid perspectives.

’DH and I are going through a bit of a rough patch … My dad knows we are having a tough time and has offered us a three figure sun to stay at a fancy hotel, whilst he and my mum look after our DS for the night. He sent this offer by message to DH.’

I would find that so intrusive and inappropriate. If you want to talk to your parents about your relationship with your DH that’s your call but for your father to then unilaterally arrange a ‘date night’ for you and your DH that he intends to pay for??? Does the man have no boundaries? I think you should be very grateful that your DH didn’t respond by telling your father exactly what he thought of the suggestion.

Lots of interesting advice.

First off, yes it is rude of him not to reply.

However, you need to leave his family to him. Back off.
If he doesn't respond to his mother, thats on him.

Is he very aware that your family are very aware of your marital challenges?

If so that could be very embarrassing.

I think you should thank your father and ask him to hold off on any money gifts going forward, however generous.

It really doesn't sound like he wants to be around your family so keep them close to you and leave him off.
Stop swooping into his relationship with his mother, it really is none of your business.

Are you happily married?
It doesn't really sound it.

I complete agree with @thecatsmeows on not taking up the family organiser role that so many men think they are entitled to hand over, like complete CF's.

Some women naively think its a great idea and are oblivious to the absolute PITA job they have signed up for.

Why did he message your husband, not you?

I want to say that I’d reply and thank them regardless; but I often don’t reply to my MIL. She’s not a good MIL and she has no boundaries at all.

Perhaps DH is uncomfortable with your parents knowing that you’re having a tough time, but messaging him basically saying he’ll fund a date and hotel for you, and has organised childcare… it’s a bit of an overstep, even if he meant it nicely.

You seem to have accepted that you’ll be a point of contact for MIL and regularly talk to her as a result; and expect DH to do the same, when surely the more logical position is that you communicate with your own parents?

Dh is rude not to reply, but generally he should be communicating with his family and you with yours. I don't necessarily agree with the whole he has to buy his family presents and I get mine type thing. I am happy to pick up things for his family and he happily points out things for mine and if I say yes he will get it but the ringing, texting and visiting arrangements are dealt with by whichever family is involved