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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL suggesting a mum who loved her kids wouldn’t go back to work

85 replies

Allthesweets · 11/03/2023 20:45

This conversation with my SIL really niggled at me and upset me at the time. My SIL has a habit of making indirect digs at people which I’ve never called her out on. I also absolutely disagree with her.

I am on maternity leave, and she is 8 months pregnant with her much longed for first via IVF.

We were chatting about Mat leave and she asked what I would be doing after Mat leave. I replied that I would be going back to work 4 days a week (financial reasons and I’m also looking forward to going back to a job I love). I didn’t get much response, but she replied with she only wanted to go back part time after her Mat leave and eventually stop work altogether.

I then asked what a mutual friend of ours would be doing, who has a 7 month old baby girl. Her reply was that she believed said friend would be leaving her career to stay at home with her baby. I was surprised to which my SIL said ‘well yeah, she loves her baby.’

Personally I feel like this was a dig at me. I also feel the sentiment that if you love your baby then you’ll quit your job or won’t work is way off the mark.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Wowzel · 11/03/2023 20:51

You're not being unreasonable, she has no idea yet what actually having a baby is going to be like.

She might be desperate to get back to work!

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 11/03/2023 20:53

She sounds privileged and/or incredibly naive.

DojaPhat · 11/03/2023 20:53

Are you genuinely unsure if you're being unreasonable?

WhineWhineWINE · 11/03/2023 20:54

Silly bitch 🙄 ignore her

Eyerollcentral · 11/03/2023 20:55

Your SIL is a total bitch. Let’s see how fast she runs back to work, she hasn’t a clue. Ignore her if feeling kind, tell her comments are super bitchy if not

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 11/03/2023 20:55

YANBU, what an empty-headed remark.

Original poster
Allthesweets · 11/03/2023 20:57

@DojaPhat I guess there’s a couple of layers. One being whether this was a pointed comment at me or whether she just says things without thinking. I imagine you would have to know her to know that, so it’s hard to judge on here.

Two being irritated that she feels that way about women going back to work after having children.

OP posts:
motherofC · 11/03/2023 20:58

even if I could be a stay at home mum I don’t think I would be. My mental health matters and it took a massive hit on mat leave. I did however change jobs and she goes to a childminders 2 soon to be 3 days a week. I don’t feel guilty I feel happy she’s happy. We spend so much time together anyway and she loves going to her childminders so I wouldn’t dream of it and i certainly don’t worry about what other people think. What isn’t right for me might be for them and that’s okay same for you.

premiumknot · 11/03/2023 21:00

I think you're overthinking this. We all say things that don't always come across as we meant them.

Either way, try not to take it personally - for your own peace.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 11/03/2023 21:01

Why were you surprised about the mutual friend giving up her career? Could be that she's feeling judged too. I think motherhood and different choices are ripe for judgment, everyone feels judged and obliged to defend their choices. What is the appropriate response about wanting to be a sahm that doesn't imply the other person doesn't love their baby. What is the appropriate response to wanting to work that doesn't imply the other person isn't ambitious or independent or is boring?

Lastnamedidntstick · 11/03/2023 21:01

My mum actually said “people shouldn’t have children if they aren’t going to stay at home and look after them”.

some people are odd.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/03/2023 21:02

premiumknot · 11/03/2023 21:00

I think you're overthinking this. We all say things that don't always come across as we meant them.

Either way, try not to take it personally - for your own peace.

I can't actually think of a way that comment wasn't really shitty. Can you?

MadMadMadamMim · 11/03/2023 21:02

I'd have said "Ha, ha, ha. You're so funny. Sadly most of us need the money and love our babies enough to provide for them."

DojaPhat · 11/03/2023 21:04

Well on the first point if she has previously made digs at you then you need to learn how to grey rock, if she hasn't then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt as you say - she might have just said it without thinking it through.

On the second point, you need not be annoyed. The only person who could reasonably be expected to not go back to work after having children is the wife of the future king.

Simonjt · 11/03/2023 21:04

So does your sil think her partner won’t love the baby, where as she will only love the baby 50% of the time as she plans to work part time.

My mother didn’t work for most of my childhood, she actively hated her children.

Fimofriend · 11/03/2023 21:05

Your SIL is a cow.

You will not be doing your children any favours by not earning money and not putting money aside for your pension

I live in a Scandinavian country and it is not normal to become a SAHM but a lot of women decrease their hours to 32 or 30 hours per week while the kids are small. I will be able to retire at least 5 years earlier than those women and my children have never been without neither necessities nor my attention. Whereas a lot of those women who cut down their hours "for their children" didn't spend much time with their children anyway.

We found it difficult to keep a straight face when the children, ours and theirs, were small and those mothers, we knew who had cut their hours, would bleat about them being better mothers than me because they worked less hours and we knew what they got was more time for shopping for themselves and more time with their girlfriends. Now the kids are teenagers or in their early twenties and our kids still like to spend time with us and they hardly see theirs. When people go on and on about something it is often because they want to convince themselves and others that a lie is the truth.

StephanieSuperpowers · 11/03/2023 21:07

Well, if that's what she thinks, that's what she thinks. It's only relevant to you if you accept it. She is allowed to think what she wants and you're allowed to think what you want.

ShirazSavedMySanity · 11/03/2023 21:07

You could look at it as going back to work is showing your DC that you work hard to earn the money for nice things? You’re setting an example for them for the future?

JudgeRudy · 11/03/2023 21:08

Allthesweets · 11/03/2023 20:57

@DojaPhat I guess there’s a couple of layers. One being whether this was a pointed comment at me or whether she just says things without thinking. I imagine you would have to know her to know that, so it’s hard to judge on here.

Two being irritated that she feels that way about women going back to work after having children.

Confused here why you think there's a couple of layers...I'd say it's more likely she feels this way about mum's in general.
When you replied you got little response. If it was a dig at you personally she could have said 'really, oh I shan't be going back to work, I love my baby too much'....but she didn't, she dropped it and kept opinion out of it. YOU then brought up a 3rd person for comparison. YOU were surprised she would be leaving her career. That's when SIL made her quip. It wasn't aimed at you specifically. Even if she said it a bit snappily, she probably meant 'Well why do you think she wants to be her baby - she loves it obviously!'.

You sound like you don't like her. Don't hang out.

smellyflowers · 11/03/2023 21:08

Shes a right cow

Motheranddaughter · 11/03/2023 21:09

She doesn’t sound like she is being very nice to you

Botw1 · 11/03/2023 21:10

Do working dads not love their kids?

What about parents of school age kids? Unloved?

UdoU · 11/03/2023 21:15

I’d be giving her a wide berth as much as I can.

BoredBetsy · 11/03/2023 21:16

Sometimes just love isn't enough. You also need good shelter, comforts and fun.
Working can help if you're not connected to wealth.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 11/03/2023 21:19

A)What is her relationship with her mother like?

B) did her mum’s work/achievements take priority when she was growing up?

The only reason I ask is that often ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’ can often overcompensate for the lack of love they felt growing up, by going completely the other way and subjugating all of their own needs, including financial independence, esteem gained from employment, and social nourishment. They will love their child in the way they feel they weren’t loved.