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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL suggesting a mum who loved her kids wouldn’t go back to work

85 replies

Allthesweets · 11/03/2023 20:45

This conversation with my SIL really niggled at me and upset me at the time. My SIL has a habit of making indirect digs at people which I’ve never called her out on. I also absolutely disagree with her.

I am on maternity leave, and she is 8 months pregnant with her much longed for first via IVF.

We were chatting about Mat leave and she asked what I would be doing after Mat leave. I replied that I would be going back to work 4 days a week (financial reasons and I’m also looking forward to going back to a job I love). I didn’t get much response, but she replied with she only wanted to go back part time after her Mat leave and eventually stop work altogether.

I then asked what a mutual friend of ours would be doing, who has a 7 month old baby girl. Her reply was that she believed said friend would be leaving her career to stay at home with her baby. I was surprised to which my SIL said ‘well yeah, she loves her baby.’

Personally I feel like this was a dig at me. I also feel the sentiment that if you love your baby then you’ll quit your job or won’t work is way off the mark.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/03/2023 21:21

I think you may be reading into it too much, and possibly twisting what she's saying, as she is planning on for going back for a bit too.

It depends on the tone, if she'd said of course she's not going back, she loves her baby, then yes she's being bitchy
But if she ment it as... she's giving up her career... she really loves that baby... Then it's a figure of speech.

I wouldn't be offended by someone who has no real experience (yet) of what she is talking about, as is also considering returning.

If someone doesn't go back it's not about them loving their children more it's usually because childcare is so fucking expensive.

Botw1 · 11/03/2023 21:32

@Comeonbarbiebrianharvey

Except lots of women do say its because they love their kids too much

The implication is clear

lightisnotwhite · 11/03/2023 21:34

Trouble is until you have kids you ( and her ) have no idea how you’ll you’ll feel or even if you can afford to stay home.
Its just something you imagine.
As an ex nanny I do think many people get very attached to the freedom childcare brings. Not that they don’t love their kids but actually putting the graft in is a different ball game. A baby has different needs to a toddler and again different to a child in infants/ junior/teens. People find some easier than others.

The only generalisation I think is really true is that it goes quickly. Not whilst you’re in it but looking back. You’re 15 years after having them thinking “ where did that time go”. You get one chance. You need to be able to live with your choices. ( I regret a good few of mine).

takealettermsjones · 11/03/2023 21:38

I'd die for my kids. I still need to pay the bills.

Remaker · 11/03/2023 21:39

You said you expressed surprise that another woman was giving up work. Perhaps your SIL found your words offensive?

When I was a SAHM I had a man tell me directly that his wife was working ‘because intelligent women can never be satisfied with only being a parent’. That was pretty offensive to me as it implied I must be unintelligent (I’m not).

I had a friend tell me patronisingly that I had no right to an opinion about something ‘because you don’t understand what it’s like to be ambitious’. I have an interesting job that I am good at, but I had said that I would never relocate to a different city for my career when my child was about to start their final year of school, as a mutual friend had done.

I have never criticised another woman for their choices. I just wanted to be allowed to make my own without criticism. But for many people this seems to be an impossible request. They not only want to make their choices, they also demand the right to aggressively defend them as ‘the best ones’. It isn’t about working or staying at home it’s about being rude and arrogant.

MarthaMC · 11/03/2023 21:39

My BIL said something similar when I talked about plans to send my not yet born DS to nursery at 9 months and go back to work, apparently I'm going to ruin any chance of us bonding and it's critical he spends every waking minute of his first 3 years with me and only me if I cared about him🙄(this is what sister did). It's obviously complete nonsense. Some people are just arseholes and/or have no social tact, don't give it another thought OP!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/03/2023 21:47

I’ve only known one woman who was openly shitty about women going back to work after kids. She worked in a nursery…

She had her own and didn’t go back to work but she was incredibly quick to start using paid childcare several days a week. Apparently her son is exhausting and she can’t be doing with it all the time so off he goes and she enjoys her downtime.

I wonder if she’s ever reflected on her past judgements. I haven’t asked because I’m not a total dick but by god she was before she knew what being a parent could be like.

tinselandjoy · 11/03/2023 21:49

OP a friend-of-a-friend said pretty much the same to me when my daughter was two. I was really gutted and it played on my mind for months.

She had a lovely life, her DH was well-paid and they had two young kids. She asked me 'Why even have kids if you're just going to get someone else to bring them up?' When I said DD was at nursery - her words made me feel so guilty for 'failing' my DD.

Anyway months later she was pregnant with baby #3 when she found out her DH was cheating and had got someone else pregnant. I always wondered if she knew deep down that things weren't 100% rosy at home for her and she was kind of projecting because she felt vulnerable.

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 11/03/2023 21:50

I adore my children and would lay down in front of a train if I needed to to protect them. Would I choose to give up work and stay at home with them all day? Absolutely not.

YorkshireIndie · 11/03/2023 21:51

It is great if you can stay at home after the baby is born but also many decide to to return to work. My career has grown hugely since I returned from maternity leave 🙈

I would loved to stay at home but I also know that it is hard to return to the workforce at the same level after a period of time off (previous welfare to work experience)

You need to do what it right for you and your family

whiteroseredrose · 11/03/2023 21:53

I think the OP expressing surprise at another woman's choices might have annoyed her SIL, hence the snarky reply.

Nobody knows what they are going to want to do when the baby arrives. Until then it is all theoretical.

mixedrecycling · 11/03/2023 21:53

Funny that this definition of 'love' doesn't apply to fathers

Coolblur · 11/03/2023 21:55

Don't let her comments get to you. Everyone makes choices to suit their own situation. She may find she doesn't want to, or can't quit work eventually as planned.

I love my family, so I work to provide for them. I also work because I love my job and the personal and financial benefits it gives me. I wouldn't quit unless I had to for some unforeseen reason.

Live your life how you choose, and ignore anyone who suggests your choices are wrong

TheOrigRights · 11/03/2023 22:01

I soon learnt to completely ignore and think nothing of "oh I could NEVER leave my baby" comments.
If someone wanted to discuss SAH vs working in a mature, non judgemental way I would be more than happy to.
People with closed minds can bore off.

MisschiefMaker · 11/03/2023 22:01

whiteroseredrose · 11/03/2023 21:53

I think the OP expressing surprise at another woman's choices might have annoyed her SIL, hence the snarky reply.

Nobody knows what they are going to want to do when the baby arrives. Until then it is all theoretical.

All of this.

It was the OP that was surprised at the idea of another woman being a SAHP, the SIL was expressing that it's not actually that surprising a choice (to her, at least).

OP is being over sensitive imo.

Chenford · 11/03/2023 22:08

Yeah, I was an amazing parent before I had kids, too.

LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 11/03/2023 22:11

I was talking about this at work this week - if you haven’t made it a ‘career’ people (mainly men) say you should have worked harder and not been left with the childcare and if you have made it a career (then the women) say that you should have been there for your children more - unfortunately being a woman means you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time!
YOU have to make the decision on what works for you and your family at this time… if you want to be a SAHM, be one, if you want to work FT and have a nanny - then have one - don’t let others influence what you need to do x

Botw1 · 11/03/2023 22:11

@lightisnotwhite

Do you think working parents aren't 'putting the graft in'?

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/03/2023 22:17

Botw1 · 11/03/2023 21:32

@Comeonbarbiebrianharvey

Except lots of women do say its because they love their kids too much

The implication is clear

Ah i see I didn't realise you were there

Botw1 · 11/03/2023 22:18

@Comeonbarbiebrianharvey

I can barely see you over the ad

Ive no idea where I am, where am I?

Shmithecat2 · 11/03/2023 22:21

Your SIL is a dick. I didn't go back to work until DS was 7yo - I wish I'd done it much sooner for my own sanity.

Squamata · 11/03/2023 22:25

Cut her some slack, she's unreasonable but IVF is a slog and I'd imagine in many situations it makes you idealise what having the long-awaited baby is like.

She might well change her mind when the baby arrives, I think the reality of a newborn can be extra hard if you've spent £££ and many years to get to that point then it's gruelling and hard.

On the face of it, you're both planning to go back to work part time. So she's making the same choice as you. But we don't all have to choose the same thing.

Justalittlebitduckling · 11/03/2023 22:25

So rude. Also, you’re going part time. It’s a shame you couldn’t quip back with something sarcastic.

MrsRosieBrew · 11/03/2023 22:25

Well, I don’t know your SIL, you do, but I am not sure why you needed to express surprise at the mutual friends decision. Or how else your SIL could have responded. The mutual friend has made a decision that’s right for her and her family. It doesn’t require scrutiny or the opinion (or surprise) of others.

HelloBunny · 11/03/2023 22:25

My SIL announced that she wouldn’t be going back to work for another year (kids are 4 & 2). Then said that she feels like a nobody & “just a mum” now she’s a SAHM. Followed by much moaning about her children, and “you’re so lucky, at least you get a break from it at work”. Honestly... Take no notice of her!