SIL suggesting a mum who loved her kids wouldn’t go back to work

[Allthesweets]

This conversation with my SIL really niggled at me and upset me at the time. My SIL has a habit of making indirect digs at people which I’ve never called her out on. I also absolutely disagree with her.

I am on maternity leave, and she is 8 months pregnant with her much longed for first via IVF.

We were chatting about Mat leave and she asked what I would be doing after Mat leave. I replied that I would be going back to work 4 days a week (financial reasons and I’m also looking forward to going back to a job I love). I didn’t get much response, but she replied with she only wanted to go back part time after her Mat leave and eventually stop work altogether.

I then asked what a mutual friend of ours would be doing, who has a 7 month old baby girl. Her reply was that she believed said friend would be leaving her career to stay at home with her baby. I was surprised to which my SIL said ‘well yeah, she loves her baby.’

Personally I feel like this was a dig at me. I also feel the sentiment that if you love your baby then you’ll quit your job or won’t work is way off the mark.

Aibu?

I can. They’re both surprised that mutual friend is not returning to work. The comment could have easily been meant as she loves being with her baby more than she thought she would. She certainly wouldn’t be the first “career woman” not to return after mat leave.

It's very hard. If she's making a dig at you, then obviosuly not acceptable. How did you express your suprise? It you said something like "Fucking hell, really?" maybe it was automatic. I had to send my child to nursery for financial reasons earlier than I wanted to, and I hated it. Still now that they're 3 I wish I could spend more time with them, it makes me sad every single day, I feel like I am wasting the best days of my life in a stupid office, days that will be over and gone in a blink of an eye. If I was being unthinking and someone asked me why, I probably wouldn't spew all of that at them, an easy way to verbalise how I feel is to say 'I love him, I miss him, I like spending time with him'. I do not at all think that women who choose differently don't also love their children.

I had a friend tell me patronisingly that I had no right to an opinion about something ‘because you don’t understand what it’s like to be ambitious’. I have an interesting job that I am good at, but I had said that I would never relocate to a different city for my career when my child was about to start their final year of school, as a mutual friend had done.

I have never criticised another woman for their choices

Maybe try reading that back to yourself…

Wouldn’t have been a good reply. I really doubt the OP/SILs mutual friend would have made this decision if it meant that they can’t provide for their child. Clearly they can and it’s their families decision to make.

I really really love my child and I really really love taking him to various places around the world travelling. I also really really love him having beautiful clothes and living in a warm house with nice food. I really love being able to provide all the things he needs for his hobbies and being able to treat him to things on an adhoc basis. And I love doing that for him soooo much that I'll happily keep skipping off to work!

I really fucking despise the superior attitude that some SAHM's (not all!) have to working mothers.

Absolutely this. My kids know that family time is precious and cherished, that mum doesn’t exist purely to run round after them, and that food on the table and clothes on their backs are the result of hard graft.

Sometimes. As I said it’s my experience as a nanny. Some would work (some didn’t) but having me meant they could also chose to leave the kids longer than maybe picking up from a childminder or nursery would have allowed them.
Its not a judgement, it’s what happened.
Other families I’d be waved off at 7 every night and wouldn’t be expected until Monday.

People have strong opinions on lots of things to do with children. Try and get used to ignoring them and doing what you think is best.

I thought I would quit work when my first came along. By 6 months I was desperate to go back! She has absolutely no idea what it's like to quit work and look after a child full time, ignore her.

@lightisnotwhite

How many hours to parents need to parent to be putting the graft in?

You appear to be dissing people who keep you in employment?

My mum said this too.

My mum used to be a childminder . She also said this to me when my kids were about 10 and 13, knowing full well the older two were in full time nursery for a while!

I think YABU because she had just told you she was going back to work part- time, so presumably was not suggesting that mothers who work so not love their children

It's sad isn't it. I felt the same with DS.

Don't over think this. Do what is right for your family, let your friend do what is right for hers and let your SIL discover what choices she'll have to make as a parent.

Returning or not returning to work is only one of the many decisions a parent has to make and that other people will have give their (unsolicited) opinion on. Give yourself a break and let it all wash over you.
Congratulations on your baby

People are saying they need to work therefore not being at home isn’t an option. I’m throwing it out there that other people don’t stay at home with the kids for other reasons.

Youre saying I’m dissing my previous employers for using a nanny for non work purposes. I haven’t. That’s your judgement of the situation.

She’s an arsehole. I’ve had comments like that too… ‘oh I don’t know how you can go back to work full time and leave your one year old, I miss mine too much so I quit to spend time with mine’

um…. I have an established career and I don’t want to compromise our current lifestyle. Also my husband is not a high earner (earns ok but not mega bucks)

next time just ask her if she means to imply that you don’t love your kid?

She will probably be desperate to return to work at the end of her maternity leave!

@lightisnotwhite

You don't think saying parents aren't willing to put the graft in on a thread about working parents not loving their kids as much as sahms is an insult?

Im not sure how else you could interpret that tbh.

I don't stay at home with my kids because I don't want to.

It doesn't mean I don't love them or that I don't put the graft in.

It just means I don't want to be a sahm. It's not an ideal I aspire to.

I bloody hate this mindset! Sone people want to be mums and housewives like yesteryear, but many women have careers and finances being as they are need to work. She's being a bitch and trying to look down at you. I'd remind her about her views being just as ok as yours, and everyone (well there are exceptions!) loves their baby /ies

It likely wasn't a dig at you.

sheis going back to work and doesn't want to and you immediately go to her making a dig at you. Does dhe often make digs at you or do you feel generally everyone is making digs at you. It sounds as though she is struggling with where she's at

Oh so what if it was a "dig"? Stop brooding on it. Lots of people feel the same way as your SIL and you'll just have to tough it out unfortunately. Or find your voice and say something!

I feel like you’re reading too much into her reply.

I don’t understand, she said she is going back part time so the same applies to her

So...

OP is going back to work part time
OP's SIL is going back to work part time, though would like to stop work at some point
Mutual friend is staying at home
OP expresses surprise, SIL says 'she loves her baby'.

It sounds to me like OP was the one who made the judgemental comment - and I don't see how SIL is making a dig at OP for doing what she herself is doing ...