SIL suggesting a mum who loved her kids wouldn’t go back to work

[Allthesweets]

This conversation with my SIL really niggled at me and upset me at the time. My SIL has a habit of making indirect digs at people which I’ve never called her out on. I also absolutely disagree with her.

I am on maternity leave, and she is 8 months pregnant with her much longed for first via IVF.

We were chatting about Mat leave and she asked what I would be doing after Mat leave. I replied that I would be going back to work 4 days a week (financial reasons and I’m also looking forward to going back to a job I love). I didn’t get much response, but she replied with she only wanted to go back part time after her Mat leave and eventually stop work altogether.

I then asked what a mutual friend of ours would be doing, who has a 7 month old baby girl. Her reply was that she believed said friend would be leaving her career to stay at home with her baby. I was surprised to which my SIL said ‘well yeah, she loves her baby.’

Personally I feel like this was a dig at me. I also feel the sentiment that if you love your baby then you’ll quit your job or won’t work is way off the mark.

Aibu?

Agree.

A very nasty comment.

However, she's giving you a valuable heads up as to what a PITA she is likely to be as a new mother, so I would be very wary.

Someone so dim and obtuse is likely to be a competitive mother and IMO the very last person you will want to spend time with on Mat leave.

Have your excuses ready and pull back now in preparation for avoiding her and her stupidity.

I was surprised to which my SIL said ‘well yeah, she loves her baby.’

Too much to unwrap as it will all come down to tone and context.

Why were you "surprised" many women choose to be SAHM, especially in the early years it is not unusual.

Did your "surprise" or did you say it in a way that implied judgement and your SIL felt she had to defend her friend and meant she loves spending time with her baby and is prioritising, and is fortunate enough to have the choice to, it over her career.

If she was truly having a go at your for being a WOHM then I would have replied with either - yeah I obviously hate mine, or remind her she also works, albeit part time so does that mean she not love hers enough!

Fucking hell, the reaching some posters will do to make it all op's fault 😂
OP, shes a dick. If she says something similar again ask what she means by that. People say shit like that cos no one dares pull them on it. Bet she stutters if you actually ask her to clarify what she means.

Years ago,I was a single mum,on benefits and never had a penny from their sperm doner

i took so much shit from family for ‘being a sponger’,‘I have to be up at six to pay for benefit scroungers-they rely on me’,‘I can’t bear people who beg for money from the state’,’must be nice to have the government feed your kids’ etc

then,tax credits kicked in and I could afford to work-for money,my sanity,to show my kids you have to work to be able to live,to feed/clothe them

The shit I got from the same family members was just as unreal

’why have kids if your not going to look after them’,’women should have kids or work-they shouldn’t do both’,’money more important than them?’,’you never see them’ (I worked 16 hours a week-I work full time now) and horrid comments about ‘career women’

honest to god,I couldn’t win-still got sniffy comments about ‘being on benefits’ as I claimed tax credits

best bit was-my mother was the worst for the comments!

(she had me in a world where there was no maternity leave and women didn’t work-if she’d had me now,I’d have been in full time nursery without a hint of guilt)

the irony isn’t lost on me at all

I found you just can't win 😂 your a SAHM and your an entitlement mum who can't provide and a scrounger...you go to work and you don't love or care for your children and palming them off.

When family member ask me what my plan is I honestly don't know what to say haha what ever I think is best will somehow be wrong and turn me into a horrible woman.

She might be being opinionated and judgemental, or it could be she feels defensive about the topic :( just know that what ever you do or decide, your thinking of the needs of your family. They are all irrelevant x

You will not be doing your children any favours by not earning money and not putting money aside for your pension

This. It is slightly terrifying how many women are financially disadvantaging themselves by giving up work or going very part time. Even if you're happily married to a high earner it's a massive risk IMHO. I think we've been brainwashed by society to think that it's what good mothers do.

Obviously your SIL is an idiot!
Each woman makes their own choice which is born after considering many things.
There is no 'one rule fits all'

I bet she has an opinion about mums on benefits too. You can see a lot of people's cogs turning when they realise that you work because you have to and that they themselves have said universal credit claimants should be forced to work etc.

You said you expressed surprise that another woman was giving up work. Perhaps your SIL found your words offensive?

Quite. I was a sahm and had this reaction often enough for it to be irritating.
Why be surprised? We can afford it, and I love being home with my children.

I can't understand why that's so hard to believe. I really, really enjoyed being home with my children and was grateful that I was in a position to do so.

Some parents clearly don’t. I have worked with parents that have literally said “ I don’t do young children”. Nothing to do with love or work or anything else.