‘What do you want for Mother’s Day’

[Babooshka1990]

First Mother’s Day and he’s said if expect a gift he has no idea what to get me, and I should send him a link. If I want to go anywhere I should tell him where and when.

AIBU to think it can’t be that hard to arrange a thoughtful surprise, and it’s his responsibility as the gift-giver?

Flowers, framed picture, spa voucher, or a breakfast reservation. I feel like it’s not that hard to plan/ choose something nice. I don’t really see the point if I’m making my own arrangements.

I think it is a reasonable question.
You may have been brought up with different traditions as to how much of a fuss to make of Mothers Day. If his is a flowers tradition but yours is big meal out, flowers, breakfast in bed, and a gift then you need some conversation to align expectations
I agree and I don't understand for a first mother's day why OP wouldn't just communicate when asked.

Making a point of not communicating because someone shouldn't have to is asking for another thread where they are then disappointed that their DP hasn't read their mind.

It's a reasonable question and you could give various links and tell him to pick. I believe by asking you, what you want, is showing he cares and doesn't want you to be upset on the day so is trying to get it right for you.

My best mothers day present was a box full of handwritten notes from my DS &DD 12 years ago, which I kept and treasure.

If anything like my DH in order not to be upset and angry for this and subsequent Mothers Days you might need to lower your expectations. Or book something you fancy for the day yourself in about January. But places are often rammed, staff are frazzled and food wouldn’t be the best anywhere if you actually manage to get table.

I used to moan about no restaurant being booked or even thought about until the day or the day before and he could understand this, which resulted in an argument and me feeling sad, undervalued and unappreciated. People would post on FB about a grand get together and how they have been spoiled and it just compounds things.

I would and still am happy with a card, some daffodils and some chocolate. As the kids have got older now late teenagers they have made breakfast or laid the table, cooked and served me and DH an m&s meal (I had chosen and bought myself).

Give him your list OP.

I do think that when they start doing this stuff that they set out their expectations from the off. You also need to know his for fathers day. It's just not worth setting them up to fail. No good comes of tests.

The only thing I ever want on Mother’s Day is not to have to do all my usual mum jobs.

Tell him you expect the same from you new baby via your DH as DH plans to send to his mum!

That's what I was thinking. People have very different views on what Mother's Day entails and how much effort should be put in, especially when children are too young to do anything themselves. Some people would be thrilled with a card and a box of chocolates, some people would think that was shit and be upset.

But that might not be true. Growing up my family never did mother's/Father's Day, and we still don't. Different families do it differently.
Plus maybe OP has different tastes to her MIL.

@Margo34 that sounds lovely and thoughtful. My DC are adults . We will get together but I have just asked for help to tidy my small messy garden as I don’t have time .

Honestly, I'd just tell him what you want if you would like a gift. Or ask him to organise lunch out.
You have lovely years to come where dc make cards and pick flowers. Your dc can't choose a gift, so just tell him what you like. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for years of disappointment

I think you should both decide what sort of thing you want for Mother’s Day and Father’s Days and what is the rough budget. DH and I give a card and a small present - just something like chocolate or alcohol. I don’t want flowers or a meal out on a busy day like Mothers Day and I don’t want an expensive gift. I personally think it’s nice to agree on what your expectations are. Takes the pressure off.

It's your first Mother's Day, and he wants to get you something you'd like. Is that honestly so bad?

Maybe he isn't sure how "big" or fancy he should go? Maybe he doesn't want to get you the same thing as he gets his mum every year?

I tend to give DH a few ideas of things I'd like and he either goes with 1 of them or chooses something similar.

I'd rather have something I'd like than him go rogue, me not like it and have to pretend

Start as you mean to go on. If you aren't bothered leave him to it and don't be surprised when you dont get anything. I'd tell him directly but I'd also say the lack of thought is annoying and you expect better.

I get tulips every year, handmade cards and an afternoon tea either at home or out. Dh cooks dinner or takes me out. Present wise it varies, he always gets me something I ask for and then a surprise from our children.

^this

now I admit I sent dh my links 2 weeks ago of what I would like (a rose bush for the garden). Also dh and dc see it as “my day” so therefore I get to choose everything we do and where we go and they can’t complain. Whether that be going for a day out, smooching round the shops, or I just want to spent the day at home watching chick flicks, it’s my choice.
don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill OP

For me too much is made of these 'days'. I don't like how over commercialised it has become. He is being lazy, it doesn't take e much to buy a bunch of daffs and get a card when they're babies and then doing a handprint card when they are older.

I do think it's important to let people know what you'd like though. I've told mine that I don't want any gifts, if they want to get something a bunch of daffs or tulips is lovely. I don't want to eat out as for me often the service and the food is worse than what I prepare, on days like MD it's worse and a rip off.

Lastly, I think men need to understand that family life means contributing to making things happen. If he doesn't 'do' MD, birthdays etc presumably he doesn't care about his own? In this scenario I would just treat myself and ignore him.

My H is the same he's not great with organising anything. However you can literally text him the last paragraph of your op and tell him to do 2 of those.

I will prob get some flowers and maybe chocs or bubble bath, not overly original and from the supermarket but good enough for me. H has suggested going out for breakfast, seeing Mil and fils and then we are seeing my parents for a takeaway in the evening. No cooking for me 😊

Different families have completely different traditions around Mother's Day, so I don't think his question is at all unreasonable. Personally, I love daffodils and DH has bought me some the last 3 years, as well as assisting DS to varying degrees based on his age to make me breakfast in bed. I'm happy with that and want nothing more, but my own mum is completely different. Set the standard now and you won't be disappointed year on year 🤷‍♀️

Just tell him what you want and he'll know for future occasions.

I get the usual flowers but he also makes me a fantastic family dinner.

My first mothers day present was a hairdryer! But I was delighted with it 😂

I'd like breakfast in bed(I'm very lucky I know I'll get that)some flowers,some bits for the garden,a nice lunch and a nice take away for dinner.

I have 5DC and 4 of our DC are adults now so I'll get cards and presents of of them,our DD19 is taking me out for lunch and my DH will help our DD15 to buy me some presents and a card and my DH always buys me something from him as well.

With your DH start letting him know now what kinds of things you'd like and hopefully as the years go on he'll get better at it and he'll know what to get you for future Mothers Days.

Honestly, just tell him exactly.
In a few years, dc will bring home a card and make you cold toast you will have to eat and you will have to accept this as a validation of you as a mother.
If you can get a spa voucher and breakfast out of him take the chance now!

Some people just freeze when asked for a surprise.

What does he do for your birthday, or Christmas? Do you send him a link then?

DH gets anxious buying presents and worries a lot over it. He prefers a bit of signposting. DD on the other hand loves choosing presents. DH was brilliant at facilitating her to buy me presents (by basically giving her free rein to choose herself from a very young age - I got some hilarious but very touching things that give a great insight into the mind of a toddler, some of which I still treasure) - now DD helps DH whenever he needs to shop for anyone else, and everyone’s happy.

Some people love choosing gifts, some don’t, but it doesn’t say anything about how “thoughtful” they are, or how much they love you.

Just a card usually and breakfast in bed