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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you react?

79 replies

unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:28

This is a reverse of sorts but I'm not trying to hide it. I posted earlier in the week about my DH reacting badly to finding a speeding fine from months ago unopened in a cupboard and saying it's all my fault as it's likely I tidied up and put it there and now he might get 6 points, lose his licence etc. I'm still so confused.

If you were in his shoes, and found a letter that had been put away by your husband/wife in error and the fact you hadn't seen it in time meant it had repressions, how would you react?

(Username change - was prettyflowers)

OP posts:
lljkk · 10/03/2023 22:30

Do you think you tidied his letter into a cupboard, do you usually tidy letters for him into cupboards?

I'd be pretty upset if I thought DH did that, albeit accidentally. However, I mess up, I'd get over my initial upset. Sounds like an accidental action.

TaTa88 · 10/03/2023 22:31

It was a genuine mistake, but I can understand his frustration tbh.

CuriousEgg · 10/03/2023 22:31

More context needed maybe?
was it opened? Was he aware?
i’d probably be annoyed if it was put away out of site and DP hadn't mentioned that there was a letter for me…

Original poster
unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:33

I'll see if I can link my original post for more context x

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:33

To wonder if I'm at fault? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4758912-to-wonder-if-im-at-fault

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 10/03/2023 22:34

I'd be annoyed with my husband if he put any of my unopened letters away.

Not sure how I'd react but if I thought it meant I was likely to lose my licence, I guess I'd probably have a go at him and then get over it.

Kangarude · 10/03/2023 22:35

I saw your initial thread. Why are you posting it again and how is it a reverse?

twoandcooplease · 10/03/2023 22:36

My DP would be mad. I would be sorry

However, why is post getting put in the cupboard? What if something important (like a speeding fine...) or doctors letter came through?
My DP doesn't open post ever. He works away a lot of the time so I open all the post that comes to our address and tell him if there's anything urgent
I take this upon myself however and I know he'd be in shit street without the help

Original poster
unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:36

I guess I'm just trying to see how people answer if I post it from his side rather than from my view which I guess is a kind of reverse. X

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 10/03/2023 22:39

The thing is that you don't know it was you that did that. It's pretty clear when you get a fine, from the envelope, that you need to open it quickly. I'm sure you would've noticed that. It doesn't look like junk mail. He is gaslighting you, saying that you were the one who had it. Is that really likely?

Original poster
unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:39

I don't even recall putting it in the cupboard. We have a section in there that is for letters that we need to keep for whatever reason but don't need out, cards, that kind of thing. All I can think is that it was amongst a pile of other letters left on the side for ages and I've scooped them up. I wouldn't pick post up and that day put it straight in the cupboard or anything like that.

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 10/03/2023 22:40

unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:36

I guess I'm just trying to see how people answer if I post it from his side rather than from my view which I guess is a kind of reverse. X

Stop torturing yourself by starting another thread.

It's pretty clear from the first one that this toxic relationship is over.

Don't put yourself or the kids through any more of it.

mynameiscalypso · 10/03/2023 22:40

I'd be annoyed - obviously - even if it was a genuine mistake but I'm going to guess that he's using this as an excuse to be abusive towards you. Which is very much not okay.

twoandcooplease · 10/03/2023 22:41

This is from your other post

I would never have purposely put an unopened letter in the cupboard. I am sorry, and I suppose I'm the only one who does put stuff in the cupboard as I'm the only one who does any form of tidying or decluttering.. the house was like a bomb site when myself and the kids left.

I really don't think you're at fault. I do think it was you however but because of this how can you be blamed after saying sorry?
He's abusive btw you should leave him again

CuriousEgg · 10/03/2023 22:43

He’s being a twat and trying to avoid responsibility. He shouldn't have been speeding in the first place and he should have checked/opened his post. If he tries to pin responsibility on you regularly for his (huge) mistakes i’d gtfo of that situation as soon as possible.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 10/03/2023 22:45

Well you say you weren't living together full time, so who was in the house and therefore most likely to have put it away?

Original poster
unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:45

How long would a fine take to come through?
As people who read my last post know I'm predominately at my parents house. He was caught speeding on the 11th, going by my photos and texts I didn't even go to his/our house until at least the 20th.

OP posts:
CuriousEgg · 10/03/2023 22:47

Its irrelevant how long it takes. You didn’t make him drive at speed and you didnt stop him being a grown up who checks their post. Not your fault or your problem.

Oakorn · 10/03/2023 22:49

If I were at risk of losing my driving license because DH put my unopened post into a cupboard (especially if he didn’t even actually live with me), I would be absolutely furious with him.

How can you not know whether or not you put his post in a cupboard? Why would you be touching his post in a house you didn’t even live in? Why would you think it’s junk mail - speeding fines aren’t remotely junk looking? Why would junk mail be put in a cupboard? I’d be more annoyed by the “I can’t remember my own actions and am therefore not responsible for them” line than the initial behaviour. “I don’t remember doing it but, if I did do it then I was thinking this when I decided to do it”…ok then.

Oakorn · 10/03/2023 22:50

CuriousEgg · 10/03/2023 22:47

Its irrelevant how long it takes. You didn’t make him drive at speed and you didnt stop him being a grown up who checks their post. Not your fault or your problem.

She did stop him checking his post though because she put it in a cupboard and he didn’t know it was there!

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 10/03/2023 22:50

If be annoyed, I'd expect DP to leave something with my name on alone, or give it to me, of it was in the way. But I've read your other thread and I mean annoyed, not incandescently angry, abusive, and harping on and on about it haranguing and harassing for an apology when I'd already had one.

I also note you'd actually moved out at the point the letter would have been delivered, so in all liklihood it's him that's put it in the cupboard.

It sounds like a miserable existence having anything to do with him at all. Why do you bother? What does he do that makes your life better?

Thesearmsofmine · 10/03/2023 22:51

OP this was not your fault. He was the one who was speeding (again), he is the one who leaves his post laying around and doesn’t open it. He is clearly happy for you to tidy up after him even when you aren’t living there or he would have asked you not to do so. He is a horrible man and there is no excusing him sending you those disgusting messages.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 10/03/2023 22:53

As to how long it takes, they have to send it within 14 days, but with all the postal chaos it might have taken longer to be delivered than normal, I guess.

CuriousEgg · 10/03/2023 22:54

Check the original thread. It was in a pile of post that had been sitting on the side for ages and she assumed it was junk.
at least as far as she is guessing. She doesnt remember putting it in the cupboard. He told her she did. Gaslighting much?

OutDamnedSpot · 10/03/2023 22:56

Honestly, I’d be pissed off if someone put my letters in a cupboard. ExH used to ‘tidy’ by hiding things and I found it infuriating.

There’s a difference between being pissed off / infuriated and being abusive, which -
going by your last thread and the fact that you’re still worrying about this - it sounds like he is.