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AIBU?

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Original poster

How would you react?

79 replies

unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:28

This is a reverse of sorts but I'm not trying to hide it. I posted earlier in the week about my DH reacting badly to finding a speeding fine from months ago unopened in a cupboard and saying it's all my fault as it's likely I tidied up and put it there and now he might get 6 points, lose his licence etc. I'm still so confused.

If you were in his shoes, and found a letter that had been put away by your husband/wife in error and the fact you hadn't seen it in time meant it had repressions, how would you react?

(Username change - was prettyflowers)

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 10:34

If he'd have said FFS unicorn what have you done? From the off I'd have been more apologetic. It's the way he came at me on the attack saying "I've fucked him over" and sarcastic "thanks a lot" as though it was on purpose that got my back up. I meant you're not the first and won't be the last as just a turn of phrase as he was acting like he is going to go to prison.. it's just a common phrase people use. It was my house for 6 years and I hate seeing it in such a sorry state so when I do stay the odd night, I do clean up. Especially as the children sometimes go round. The garden is now unusable though as he didn't see to it.

OP posts:
Want2beme · 11/03/2023 10:46

You're going round in circles. Are you estranged from each other and is this behaviour common between you? Is it normal for your post to be put in the cupboard? If not and you did put it in there, I'd be annoyed, but not abusive.

Nevergonnastop · 11/03/2023 10:50

You're going round in circles. Just move on or don't.

Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 10:51

We split up last year and he refused to let me and the children have the house even temporarily, so we moved in with my parents. We started seeing each other again and taking the kids out on days around august, and I would stay maybe a couple of nights a week. The cupboard in question is where things like mortgage letters, cards, letters that need sorting etc go. It wasn't just shoved in a random drawer with no other letters.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 11/03/2023 10:59

I would be livid if I got 6 points and a £1K fine if someone put the letter in a cupboard.

I would be livid if the person didn’t say sorry.

You’re no doubt right in your justifications that you didn’t do it on purpose and that he’d had ample time to see it and open it. I believe you. But it doesn’t sound like an apology and so I’d still be mad.

All that said, he sounds like a prick. And your relationship sounds dead. Don’t get back with him.

billy1966 · 11/03/2023 11:03

unicornparade · 11/03/2023 10:51

We split up last year and he refused to let me and the children have the house even temporarily, so we moved in with my parents. We started seeing each other again and taking the kids out on days around august, and I would stay maybe a couple of nights a week. The cupboard in question is where things like mortgage letters, cards, letters that need sorting etc go. It wasn't just shoved in a random drawer with no other letters.

I feel so sorry for your children.

Such confusion for them.

He's awful.

He's abusive.

His behaviour forced you to leave the family home and yet you are messing about with him again.

Find some self respect and stop bending yourself out of shape over his bloody speeding fines and start thinking about your children and what this awful confusion must be doing to them.

If you don't cop yourself on, you have some very tough years ahead of you when your children start acting out because of what they have been put through.

End this relationship and be done with it.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 11/03/2023 11:03

unicornparade · 10/03/2023 22:28

This is a reverse of sorts but I'm not trying to hide it. I posted earlier in the week about my DH reacting badly to finding a speeding fine from months ago unopened in a cupboard and saying it's all my fault as it's likely I tidied up and put it there and now he might get 6 points, lose his licence etc. I'm still so confused.

If you were in his shoes, and found a letter that had been put away by your husband/wife in error and the fact you hadn't seen it in time meant it had repressions, how would you react?

(Username change - was prettyflowers)

I'd be fucking furious.

This sort of shit drives me demented. Leave stuff that isn't yours alone.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 11/03/2023 11:04

I'd expect you to take the points and pay the fine too.

CatOnTheChair · 11/03/2023 11:07

If it was this house, the person who had nominally put the letter away would be massively apologetic, and both would work together to minimize onward effects - surely you don't loose a licience for missing just one letter?

HOWEVER, the reactions from both sides seem to be antagonistic, and I'm not sure it's a healthy relationship. So I think my answer for your situation is that a permanent split would be in everyone's best interests.

Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 11:51

I think everyone is right in some respects, there's fault on both sides and the way we communicate is very unhealthy. I think it is time to call it a day. I just need to find somewhere to live that I can afford.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 11:52

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 11/03/2023 11:04

I'd expect you to take the points and pay the fine too.

He's already submitted admission online so too late for that. He earns £60k and I'm lucky if I earn £600 a month so unless they can take £10 a month there's not much chance of me being able to pay the fine before he can. Thanks for the input though xx

OP posts:
MrMarkham · 11/03/2023 12:01

I'm not sure why you posted again, you got loads of (generally supportive) responses on the other thread? What are you expecting to be different on this one?

Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 12:07

@MrMarkham I don't either really, I was on my own and it was late so I was mulling it over. I've asked for it to be removed.

OP posts:
TaRaDeBumDeAy · 11/03/2023 14:33

unicornparade · 11/03/2023 11:52

He's already submitted admission online so too late for that. He earns £60k and I'm lucky if I earn £600 a month so unless they can take £10 a month there's not much chance of me being able to pay the fine before he can. Thanks for the input though xx

Show quote history

Maybe you shouldn't interfere with people's stuff when you don't even live there then.

Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 14:36

@TaRaDeBumDeAy I won't in future. Me and the children will be better off homeless.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 14:36

@TaRaDeBumDeAy it's as much my house as his at the moment. My name is on that mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornparade · 11/03/2023 14:39

@TaRaDeBumDeAy maybe you should live with him? There's a single man with a 3 bed house on his own going! You sound like the perfect partner who won't interfere and would bend down on your knees saying sorry giving him a BJ and giving him a grand because you tried to help him.

OP posts:
Want2beme · 11/03/2023 15:30

He's being very inconsiderate towards you and your DC. It's your home as well. Maybe see a solicitor to guide you forward. Hope things turn out well for you Flowers

piedbeauty · 11/03/2023 15:31

Does it really matter?? He's abusive, you're not happy, just leave him!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/03/2023 15:42

I've read your previous post

Regardless of 'how' it got put away, as long as it wasn't malicious, then I'd be annoyed, but more at myself for getting caught speeding. I wouldn't have reacted as your dh did, he's been abusive towards you, the NiP wasn't hidden from him on purpose, and although I might have got a bit annoyed about it, there's no way I'd have blamed you and spoken to you so badly. You did not deserve the grief he gave you. I think a lot of it was Miss-places annoyance at himself for being caught.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 11/03/2023 16:31

I'd be really pissed off tbh. It wasn't their letter and now I was expected to pay£1000? I'd obviously blame myself for speeding but 'putting it away' for no reason would make me fuming.

Richhandcream · 11/03/2023 16:41

It was said on the other thread - this wouldn't have been the only letter. He's gaslighting you.
You need to get over this and dump the arsehole.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 12/03/2023 17:55

unicornparade · 11/03/2023 14:36

@TaRaDeBumDeAy it's as much my house as his at the moment. My name is on that mortgage.

Your name wasn't on that letter though, was it.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 12/03/2023 17:56

unicornparade · 11/03/2023 14:39

@TaRaDeBumDeAy maybe you should live with him? There's a single man with a 3 bed house on his own going! You sound like the perfect partner who won't interfere and would bend down on your knees saying sorry giving him a BJ and giving him a grand because you tried to help him.

Keep him, I chose well with my dh, and I've got my own houses, thanks.

You on the other hand, if that's the way you talk to people, no wonder he talks back to you the way he does.

FloydPepper · 12/03/2023 18:06

Nevergonnastop · 11/03/2023 08:40

We are not seeing OPs messages to him, we are only seeing 1 side of the conversation. Hard to judge without seeing both sides. She's refusing to accept that she put the letter somewhere which has landed him in much bigger trouble, that would annoy anyone.

If I'd hidden the letter which caused this, I'd be full of apologies and owning it. I'd be mortified knowing that my actions have consequences like this.

This
looks engineered to make him the bad guy
i’d be furious in his position

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