How would you react?

[unicornparade]

This is a reverse of sorts but I'm not trying to hide it. I posted earlier in the week about my DH reacting badly to finding a speeding fine from months ago unopened in a cupboard and saying it's all my fault as it's likely I tidied up and put it there and now he might get 6 points, lose his licence etc. I'm still so confused.

If you were in his shoes, and found a letter that had been put away by your husband/wife in error and the fact you hadn't seen it in time meant it had repressions, how would you react?

(Username change - was prettyflowers)

I'm genuinely doubting myself thinking did I put it away. Did I do it on purpose? But I honestly don't have any clear recollection and it makes no sense at all what I would've done that for!

Even if you did put it away, it still isn’t your fault, he is an adult who presumably ks able to open his post? He also presumably knows that the post gets put in this cupboard if it’s been lying around when he cba to open it/tidy up after himself. Not to mention the fact that if he hadn’t been speeding(multiple times) then he wouldn’t be in this position.
Funny how he isn’t annoyed with himself for speeding or remorseful (because he has continued doing it). Easier to try and shift blame on to you.

Some of the messages that were sent after I had sent a long message saying I don't remember doing it but if I did I understand his annoyance and I'm sorry..

Look at the way he’s speaking to you. This relationship is over, surely?

My husband did this to me once, tidied something into a pile and then put it away instead of opening it. I never knew it was there. It was also a fine for something which I'd missed the early payment time for.

Was I annoyed - yes. Did I have words - yes. But literally I said I was annoyed about it, dealt with it, and he didn't put away any post ever again <eyeroll>

The way your husband is treating you is unacceptable.

I would be very upset and feel like it was being hidden from me.

However, I wouldn't go on about it. I would express my annoyance initially and then move on. I don't understand carrying things on as it doesn't help anything.

Is there a date on the letter, to indicate when it was sent? If you weren’t even at the house for a while after it arrived, surely not your fault even?

If either me or my DH thought that the other one of us had done this, we’d be cross, but we’d also be falling over ourselves mutually to not make the other feel bad. Nothing like in these messages.

Does he always speak to you like utter shit?

You cannot take that anymore what a piece of shit

Just take advice of other thread & finish with him. He's not worth this aggro, he doesn't like you.

Tidying other people's post & papers into a cupboard is kind of weird, though. Who would do that? How would you know that cupboard was where they wanted their unsorted papers to go? (How much of a tip is this home?)

Does anyone else get almost no post ever nowadays? And if you do, it's always bad news.

You need to end this relationship. Posting another thread asking if it’s your fault but worded in another way won’t get you different answers to your other thread. Your partner is gaslighting you and his behaviour and the way he speaks to you is abusive. Look up the freedom program so you can understand what a healthy/unhealthy relationship looks like.

You’re never going to know 100% who put the fine in the cupboard.

I think you’re deflecting from the bigger question which is what are you going to do about your deteriorating unhealthy relationship? He doesn’t sound like a very nice person or someone that respects you or that you like each other?

My answer would be the same, I'd be fuming. I'd also think my partner was playing down their involvement and not taking any responsibility for hiding important letters.

This.

He is a nasty bullying prick.

Stay at your mother's and end this relationship.

Protect your children from living with him full time.

We are not seeing OPs messages to him, we are only seeing 1 side of the conversation. Hard to judge without seeing both sides. She's refusing to accept that she put the letter somewhere which has landed him in much bigger trouble, that would annoy anyone.

If I'd hidden the letter which caused this, I'd be full of apologies and owning it. I'd be mortified knowing that my actions have consequences like this.

What normally happens with the post?
If it always goes in the cupboard then surely he knows to look in there every now and again?

We used to pile letters on the side, opened and unopened. As I walked past i would quickly flick through to check there was nothing unopened or important there and if there was I'd leave it in top or tell DH. I'd check a few times each week. DH would also check maybe once each week.

However you're not even living with him so it's his responsibility.

He's disgusting speaking to you like that.

He is a nasty bullying prick.

Where? If I had a partner who had done this, and who had a history of being selfish and not caring when they'd upset me, id send those messages!

I agree, we don't know what her messages are to him. But his messages, I understand him being pissed off!

I’m suspicious of anyone who has a perfectly good thread, who then starts another. It looks like manipulation.

You did link the other very quickly, but only when you were asked for context.

From your other thread:

“I don't think it was opened. I don't recall seeing a letter and I don't understand why I would just shove a letter straight in the cupboard unless it was on the side for days on end. I mean I can say sorry but it would be for something I don't even remember doing and certainly didn't do with any malice whatsoever.”

You don’t remember putting his letter away, but you’re clear on this and other posts on that thread that it’s exactly something you would have done, and he wouldn’t. Either deciding it had been lying around too long in a house you barely live in, or carelessly scooping it up with other things.

Yet you’re encouraging people to use MN’s favourite “gaslighting” term. It’s not gaslighting if he knows he didn’t do it (you said yourself he doesn’t put things away) and it’s certain you did - because putting stuff in that cupboard is what you do. You not remembering doesn’t make it gaslighting.

He sounds awful - but that doesn’t mean he’s gaslighting you. It also doesn’t mean he’s wrong about you not really apologising. See my quote above, “I mean I can say sorry but”. That’s not a person who is apologetic.

You moved his post.
He’s going to be seriously impacted.
I doubt you genuinely apologised.
He isn’t gaslighting.
His tone is horrible because he hates you, but the accusations look fair.
You couldn’t just apologise, because you hate him too.

How would I react?
In current marriage - with huge embarrassment and genuine apology, which would be accepted and we’d move on.
In last marriage - much the same as both of you, with blame and anger.

Just get divorced already. And own it when you know you’ve fucked up with someone’s post. Gaslighting my arse.

This is what I sent before the messages of his I showed x

I don't think it is gaslighting to be honest. But it's the way he immediately came at me saying "I've fucked him over" "it's all my fault" that upset me. If he'd have said it differently I'd have been more inclined to be apologetic but it's the way he immediately attacked me for something that was an accident.. if it was me.. straight away that got my back up.

I think that just proves you're being dismissive of any responsibility. You're not the first and you won't be the last. How is that helpful when he's got a fine and points? And you'd feel more responsible if it was on a particular journey? It all makes no sense.

I think if that message was from him to you, MN would be saying well there was really no need for his message to you etc etc.

HE is an adult he chose to speed knowing the penalty. HE chose to ignore the letter which may or may not have been bundled up with junk mail, but you were not at the house when it arrived, HE was. HE also allowed the house to get into a mess so that when you did return, you had to tidy, including the post from where HE left it

get the theme? It’s HIM. And now he is blaming you

Sorry that would be the last stare for me, I would be out of the relationship, no one would speak to me like that when it’s so unwarranted

I read your other thread and honestly, I would have been angry too.. but as people said there the main issue is how he reacted to it. I did. personally think you should have apologised and it is annoying whne someone does something wrong, even by accident, but won’t apologise but he did go OTT