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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm angry my ex is sharing his bed with our daughter and his new girlfriend

103 replies

damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:36

Me (34f) and my ex (45m) have a 9 year old daughter, and he has weekend visitations every other week. She told me today that she slept in dad's bed with him and his girlfriend last weekend. He has been dating this woman for 2 months. I am extremely upset, I feel like this is so inappropriate. I don't even know who the hell this woman is and she is in bed with my kid??? I haven't spoken to him about it yet as I am unsure of what to do. I want to scream at him but it's not productive.

Daughter is already sharing a bed with dad because he is currently living at his mother's in a section of the house where she also has an older male living as a tenant. Our daughter has a bedroom there but feels afraid in her room and wants to stay with dad. I am already uncomfortable with this situation but adding this new woman into their bed is too far. I am losing my mind here.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
sashh · 11/03/2023 08:22

If she really needs to be with dad then a mattress on the floor in his room, or he sleeps on the floor in her room.

GF does not stay over.

Snowsurprised · 11/03/2023 08:53

I don’t know where you’d stand on breaking the court order as she’s not in imminent danger or in an abusive situation. But I think gf should be in the single room and he can put a second bed in his room for DD.

Biscuits1011 · 11/03/2023 09:42

Do a mash report. Explain your concerns so they can investigate. That’s what I’ve done in the past..

Biscuits1011 · 11/03/2023 09:57

everyone saying the gf shouldn’t be staying over, well that would never stand up in court, the child’s dad can have his girlfriend stay or even move in with him. So not sure why this is an issue. Unless op has safeguarding concerns which doesn’t sound like it. The sleeping in the same bed is odd though. My dps 6 year old son used to try and get in bed with us and it was just an instant no from the get go, we got him a night light and new bedding and things and over time he was fine in his own room. So that needs to be worked on. I’m not sure what you can realistically do about him living with another tenant, but I don’t think I’d be ok with this either. Was this the case when the court order was made? If not I’d go back to court and say your dd is extremely anxious about that. It’s a tough one as normally when the other parent has the child you have to trust their judgment and that they will keep your child safe. I totally get why you feel like you do though

B0g · 11/03/2023 10:14

@Goodread1 later admitted s/he didn’t read the OP properly before posting that strange, emoji laden reply with suggestions of types of dolls that exist.

Zero safeguarding from the child’s father, which is disturbing. Locking the child in her room is a huge fire hazard and missing the point that it’s the unrelated male and new sex partner and failings of her father that are the problem.

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 10:18

HalliwellManor · 10/03/2023 23:37

I don't see an issue her sharing a bed with her dad,but another woman?,NO way!.
I work nights and my ex (DD10 father) sometimes stays here with her and they always share my bed,she has her own room and bed but chooses to sleep next to her dad,she's done it for years and she refuses to sleep in her own bed when her dad is here.

Same, my 10yo son gets in with me, no issues with it.

But yeah, I'd refuse to share a bed with my partner's kid, it's inappropriate and i feel so sorry for your little girl.

Unfortunately though I think some posters are living in la la land if they think ss or family courts will swoop in and 'save' this child.

ittakes2 · 11/03/2023 10:37

is it me or is the initial red flag she is sleeping in a house where she feels afraid to sleep in her own room due to a male lodger? That would be enough for me to say no to overnights.

TheFireflies · 11/03/2023 10:51

Biscuits1011 · 11/03/2023 09:42

Do a mash report. Explain your concerns so they can investigate. That’s what I’ve done in the past..

Social services won’t investigate, the threshold for this is far higher than this kind of situation. Especially as there’s a court order in place - they’ll just advise OP to exercise her PR and that it would have to be dealt with by the courts.

OP, is your daughter upset by the girlfriend being in the bed? What does she want to happen? If she is upset to the point of not wanting to stay overnight, it’ll probably have to come back to court if mediation isn’t an option. How far away does her dad live - can she see him for the day but then sleep overnight at yours?

Starseeking · 11/03/2023 10:59

Some men don't seem to be able to function without a woman around.

My EXDP used to bring his DC into our bed, which was wholly inappropriate in my view. He seemed to think I was jealous of the child when I mentioned it to him.

So instead of him taking his DC back to his room, they both used to go and sleep in his bed, leaving me on my own. We didn't have anyone else in the house though.

In your situation I wouldn't allow my DC to stay in a house with unknown males, court ordered or not. I would defy the order, as the risk to the DC is too great, no matter if you know the person or not. If the Dad can't see this, I'm sure the court would share your view, if he took it back there.

Changechangechanging · 11/03/2023 10:59

I actually can’t comprehend how a mother would leave her daughter vulnerable like this

the law very clearly states that when not together, each parent can do whatever it is they want when their child is in their care. This is necessary to stop the other parent putting ridiculous caveats on contact but also makes it clear that parents, for the most part, do what they consider best for their child. Unfortunately, post- separation, it is frequently the case that living arrangements might be less than desireable.

the child is in the father’s care when this is happening. There is a court order in place. Why can’t you comprehend why a father would leave his daughter vulnerable like this? Why are only mother’s accountable for what happens to their children?

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 11:00

Social services won’t investigate, the threshold for this is far higher than this kind of situation. Especially as there’s a court order in place - they’ll just advise OP to exercise her PR and that it would have to be dealt with by the courts.

Exactly. I know someone who's ex put her young kid in the shower with a new (male) partner and ss (and cafcass) didn't give a shit.

Starseeking · 11/03/2023 11:07

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 11:00

Social services won’t investigate, the threshold for this is far higher than this kind of situation. Especially as there’s a court order in place - they’ll just advise OP to exercise her PR and that it would have to be dealt with by the courts.

Exactly. I know someone who's ex put her young kid in the shower with a new (male) partner and ss (and cafcass) didn't give a shit.

That is horrific.

Rewis · 11/03/2023 11:13

I can't imagine the type of woman who dates a 45yo man who lives with his mom. And spends the night at the mom's house in the first place let alone agrees to share a bed with a child. Like what the hell?

AllOfThemWitches · 11/03/2023 11:16

Starseeking · 11/03/2023 11:07

That is horrific.

Show quote history

I know, there was literally photo evidence.

When I was going through court with my ex, I was scared my house wasn't tidy enough for social services. 🙄

Redebs · 11/03/2023 11:18

Having your child sleep in same bed where her dad and his girlfriend are and where they have probably had sex is a massive No.

Better if girlfriend isn't there on contact nights and dad at least changes bedding.

Even better if dad puts another bed in daughter's room and sleeps on it in case she is worried.

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2023 11:23

I wouldn't have an issue with 9 year old sleeping in dads bed especially since she has her own bed. Bit weird the girlfriend in the bed too.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 11/03/2023 11:29

It does sound inappropriate

But your Dd has a bedroom and is choosing to get into bed with her dad. Does his gf live there too? He would be sensible not to have gf stay over when DD stays if she regularly gets into bed with him.

I would approach this with a reasonable stance of saying "look this is an issue, it's kinda inappropriate, so you think you can help DD personalise hee bedroom at yours ? Can we work together to help her feel more confident in the bedroom at your mothers house?"

T least then you'd have tried a negotiation in your DDs bet interests

zero chance id have let my DCs who live 💯 % with me, sleep in my bed if I had a DP staying over in same bed too. But the fact is something isn't working for DD if she insists on getting into bed with her dad instead of sleeping in her own bed. He's playing happy families all sleeping together with a new gf of two months!

I'm not sure if any length of relationship would be appropriate for this but it is so much worse given she's such a new introduction to his life. I don't think the legislation can assist in this though and whether it'd be sufficient to trigger welfare concerns or a statutory safeguarding, without other flags- change in behaviour for DD, DD asking not to go to Dad's etc... I'm not saying it shouldn't, I'm just wondering what the legal view of it would be, to withdraw overnight contact

Thelnebriati · 11/03/2023 11:46

I hate to suggest this damagelina but if you really have no choice but to send her, can you get her a door alarm and teach her how to use it at your home?

Thelnebriati · 11/03/2023 11:48

I think posters are missing that the child doesn't feel safe with the lodger in the house, so making her room more personal isn't going to help.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 11/03/2023 11:49

Oh I missed that but. If DD is uncomfortable sleeping at her at the house bc of a male lodger who gives her the creeps, that is totally an issue

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 11/03/2023 11:50

In her own bedroom at the hide of her grandma at "Dad"s
Bc of a male lodger who gives her the creeps...
I meant

OoooohMatron · 11/03/2023 11:53

YANBU. Imagine the uproar if you had a new boyfriend and she was in the same bed as you both.

Schnooze · 11/03/2023 11:59

Don’t go in all guns blazing. Approach him with a “dd feels uncomfortable with the lodger, it’s not appropriate or acceptable for her to sleep with you and GF, how can we resolve this” approach.

It may be a lock, it may be him agreeing no gf, it might be him agreeing to no more overnights, but if you go in reasonably, it’s more likely to be solved reasonably.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 11/03/2023 13:52

Jesus Christ. This woman shouldn't even have met your daughter yet let alone staying in the same bed! How could it ever be appropriate to have an unrelated adult sleeping in the same bed. Imagine if this was the other way around and you were having a random adult man sleeping in a bed with her. Nobody who thinks this is ok is fit to be a parent. I'm sorry OP. Appalling.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 11/03/2023 13:56

GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 11/03/2023 07:44

Basically, her father is giving her two options - sleep on her own and fear the stranger down the hall. Or sleep in a bed with a different stranger just so she can be by her father. Neither of those options are fair for the child.
absolutely this! Contact overnight needs to stop until her father has more suitable living arrangements.
If the girlfriend has to stay overnight there is nothing stopping her from sleeping in your daughter's room on Contact nights......or is she scared of the tenant too? If so how do they expect a 9 year old girl to feel.
It's a seriously fucked up situation!

If he can't provide a safe environment for her to sleep without adult strangers in the house/ bed I'd be stopping overnight contact, informing SS and the court why I'd stopped it and be quite happy to explain why to a judge. It's basic child safeguarding.