I'm angry my ex is sharing his bed with our daughter and his new girlfriend

[damagelina]

Me (34f) and my ex (45m) have a 9 year old daughter, and he has weekend visitations every other week. She told me today that she slept in dad's bed with him and his girlfriend last weekend. He has been dating this woman for 2 months. I am extremely upset, I feel like this is so inappropriate. I don't even know who the hell this woman is and she is in bed with my kid??? I haven't spoken to him about it yet as I am unsure of what to do. I want to scream at him but it's not productive.

Daughter is already sharing a bed with dad because he is currently living at his mother's in a section of the house where she also has an older male living as a tenant. Our daughter has a bedroom there but feels afraid in her room and wants to stay with dad. I am already uncomfortable with this situation but adding this new woman into their bed is too far. I am losing my mind here.

Am I being unreasonable??

If the OP has reasonable concerns for her child's welfare then she can break the court order, it's a civil not a criminal matter.
OP can then go back to court. The order would have been made with the best interest of the child at the time. It is NOT in the child's best interests to sleep with her father's bed with his girlfriend, or in a house with a stranger.

I speak from experience. Your daughter needs to know you are taking her concerns seriously.

Why are you missing the point so spectacularly? What a really odd reply.

A new partner shouldn't even be introduced to kids until the relationship is well established (ideally at least 18 months).

No idea though if anything can be done though.

Sod the Court Order, let him take you back to the Court. I'd face the consequences of stopping overnights to be honest.

When I first met DH his 7&8 years old occasionally slept with him at the weekend, I hated it and told him to stop because I hated the idea of sleeping somewhere his kids did I just found it uncomfortable and almost dirty.

They never did so at any point I was there. However I'm now a mum of a 5 year old who could sleeps most of the time!
So it's a definite only with your bio children kind of set up

* "*I actually can’t comprehend how a mother would leave her daughter vulnerable like this"

Why just the mother? Why not the father as well?

Wtaf????

Listen to your gut feeling.
Listen to your daughter’s gut feeling.

Also, locking herself in at night is not a great idea. What if she’s ill, what if there’s a fire…and she still has to go to the bathroom, at least I guess there isn’t an entire suite.
I wouldn’t let her sleep there again.

It doesn't sound great but the whole sleeping situation isn't ideal. Did she sound OK with it? Does she seem remotely put out that her dad has a girlfriend? It might be some time before he gets his own place (and then maybe with GF?). Would you prefer that he makes your daughter go to her own room to sleep. Personally I think this sounds the best solution. Even if they had been together 2 years, it's not ideal having a 9 year old kid in the bed. Why do you think she's uncomfortable sleeping alone? Do you have her in your bed?

The whole set up sounds really inappropriate. Your daughter sleeping in her dad's bed not by choice but because she feels unsafe I. Her own room, the random girlfriend also sleeping there, the creepy tenant and deadbolts on all the doors.

None of it sounds safe or in your child's best interests

Why was the girlfriend even there? Is she living with him? Normally I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with a child sleeping in with her father when she's scared, but there is a lot more wrong about this setup. A clear lack of boundaries. His DD shouldn't have even met the girlfriend at this stage, never mind be sleeping in the same bed with her. Going by his poor judgement, I wouldn't be confident in his ability to keep his daughter safe.

This is the twilight zone, right? I've had one two many ciders and accidentally stepped through a reality vortex of some kind?

Real-life adult women are not suggesting that a man who never leaves his room much less speaks to a child is a predator, and they are also not suggesting that breaking court-ordered visitation because a child chooses to sleep in her father's bed is a good idea, because that would be bonkers.

Being provocative here but isn't it known males that tend to offend.
This lodgers probably had his life turned upside down by the addition of his landlady's son plus kid and girlfriend. That's probably why he scuttles off to his room.
It's sad that every male is assumed to be a potential sex offender. It's not as if he's being asked to babysit! The dad, grandma and GF are in the house the whole time she's there.

because a child chooses to sleep in her father's bed is a good idea

The issue is more that by choosing to sleep in her father's bed, out of fear, she is being forced to sleep with a woman she doesn't know.

Basically, her father is giving her two options - sleep on her own and fear the stranger down the hall. Or sleep in a bed with a different stranger just so she can be by her father. Neither of those options are fair for the child.

I'm guessing she's (?) suggesting making the child's bedroom more appealing might help her settle better. I'm making the assumption that the poster is not native British and is just trying to be helpful.
I kind of feel that addressing the child's anxiety is the most important step. Unless proven otherwise we need to assume that Dad is looking out for his daughter and trusts the lodger that's likely been living alone with his mum before hand.
I agree it wasn't ideal having GF in bed too but looks like both her and lodger are here to stay so they need to manage it. L

I spent half my life with my grandparents because my parents worked.
My grandparents slept in separate bedrooms and I always slept with my Nana.
Is there an objection to your daughter sleeping with her grandmother? It seems much more appropriate than being in bed with her father and his girlfriend.
I obviously don’t know the dynamics, so I apologize in advance if this would be impossible or inappropriate.

Are you serious? Soft toys and child psychology?!?! Did you not read the OP? Way to spectacularly miss the damn point the kid is not safe!

I’m not surprised you’re going out of your mind. The situation is totally unacceptable.

No one has any evidence the lodger is a predator. He’s probably fine. But you don’t keep children safe by giving everybody the benefit of the doubt and putting your child into situations that would be easy for a predator to exploit. You safeguard children by making it difficult/impossible for them to be abused. Part of that is about the situations you allow your child to be in, who you trust and who you teach your children to trust, teaching your children bodily autonomy and how to express this in words (eg. The Pants song), and listening to your children when they are uncomfortable with a situation. OP’s child is highly uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements at her dad’s home. She’s comfortable in her bed because she finds the lodger creepy. She’s no longer comfortable in her dad’s bed because he’s got in girlfriend in there now! Even though odds on the lodger is fine, she NEEDS to be listened to and allowed to distance herself from him because he makes her uncomfortable. To tell her she’s being silly and needs to just get over that gut reaction and sleep in her own room would be teaching her that her feelings don’t matter and expressing them is wrong. Bad bad dangerous lesson. This lodger is probably fine but at some point in her life she probably will come across someone who cannot be trusted and she should know it’s always ok to follow your gut reaction and avoid them.
And dad is completely out of order allowing his daughter and gf to sleep in the same bed with him. He knows his daughter won’t sleep in her own bed so he should have warned his gf she’d need to go home or sleep down the hall, and long term he needs his own place with no unrelated adult lodgers.

Known males would include people like this lodger though.
It’s a while since I looked up the stats, but non blood related known males in the home (step dads and this lodger would fall into this category) are the highest risk. Related males ARE more often the perpetrators than total strangers. It’s about opportunity. The child abuser in the creepy white van on the street corner is something of a myth/exaggeration because everyone automatically treats someone like that as suspicious. Abusers need to build trust with the child which is why a large proportion of cases happen within extended families. But within that group, there’s still an order of risk that puts unrelated adult males in the home above fathers for example.

When you got your C.A.O drawn up did your ex still live at his mother's?

Can you start the mediation process again? I have an order in place and I would stop overnight stays. Write an email in a reasonable manner to your ex stating its inappropriate. It's a safeguarding concern.

I often hear daughters sharing a bed with their dad. I'm going to be blunt and it's not a dig at you! But it isn't right... I started puberty around that age.

The woman is the least of the issue.

Basically, her father is giving her two options - sleep on her own and fear the stranger down the hall. Or sleep in a bed with a different stranger just so she can be by her father. Neither of those options are fair for the child.
absolutely this! Contact overnight needs to stop until her father has more suitable living arrangements.
If the girlfriend has to stay overnight there is nothing stopping her from sleeping in your daughter's room on Contact nights......or is she scared of the tenant too? If so how do they expect a 9 year old girl to feel.
It's a seriously fucked up situation!

Send her with a blow up bed and the bed needs to be for her dad to sleep on the blow up bed in her room until she is used to sleeping there. Not for her to use in his bedroom or her grandparents room but for the dad

So not on.

The tenant would be enough for me to stop overnight contact. She doesn’t feel comfortable or safe, and I couldn’t relax knowing that.

The girlfriend and the sleeping arrangements are a complete deal breaker. Surely he can have her to sleep over on his non-contact days?! So selfish and inappropriate to put this on a little girl.