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Original poster

I'm angry my ex is sharing his bed with our daughter and his new girlfriend

103 replies

damagelina · 10/03/2023 21:36

Me (34f) and my ex (45m) have a 9 year old daughter, and he has weekend visitations every other week. She told me today that she slept in dad's bed with him and his girlfriend last weekend. He has been dating this woman for 2 months. I am extremely upset, I feel like this is so inappropriate. I don't even know who the hell this woman is and she is in bed with my kid??? I haven't spoken to him about it yet as I am unsure of what to do. I want to scream at him but it's not productive.

Daughter is already sharing a bed with dad because he is currently living at his mother's in a section of the house where she also has an older male living as a tenant. Our daughter has a bedroom there but feels afraid in her room and wants to stay with dad. I am already uncomfortable with this situation but adding this new woman into their bed is too far. I am losing my mind here.

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Makingamess4212 · 10/03/2023 22:17

damagelina · 10/03/2023 22:06

She says the guy is "creepy" and doesn't ever leave his room except to go to the bathroom and work. Please don't jump on me about this but she has said he is super fat and smells bad etc. I don't think he's a predator or anything it's just some older guy that she isn't familiar with and doesn't feel totally comfortable so she wants to stay near her dad at night. Her bedroom there is furnished but it's not really personalized, she doesn't spend much time in it at all. When they are over there she usually just plays video games in his bed or hangs out downstairs with grandma.

Show quote history

No I get it. My niece thinks my dad is "creepy" and she sees him frequentlyish.. But he's a big bloke who doesn't speak much and is a "old fashioned lad lad". So she is just anxious around him, and refuses to stay at his home without parents. And that's a family member! But a creepy bloke is still a creepy bloke to a kid.
I'm unsure of your custody arrangements, but pretty sure courts wouldn't find this appropriate or safe.
Are you's amicable? Is a conversation possible?
I would ask little legs if she wants to keep going to sleep at that house or not. She's old enough to have her own say. Either way, no more girlfriend in the bed 🙄 you are not being unreasonable. He clearly isn't thinking about his daughter here.

Tourmalines · 10/03/2023 22:20

its way off . Your daughter shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed as her dad , but worse still with the girlfriend. This is such a bad set up all around . Why can he not get his own place. A single bed for her would be better then sharing a double bed too . Try and get her in her own room at least if she has to stay there and put a lock on the door .

Newstartonwards · 10/03/2023 22:22

I’d report this to social services and stop visitation until a check is done on a tenant for any previous convictions and a room is provided in the house solely for your daughter with a bolt on inside

RoseThornside · 10/03/2023 22:22

JussathoB · 10/03/2023 22:05

I don’t think a 9 yr old girl should be sleeping in a bed with her father or with an unrelated adult woman, and she should not be in a house where there is an unrelated adult male either. Insist that overnight stays stop immediately.
if your ex does not comply with this, then I suggest you involve social services and raise the situation as a concern.

This. The tenant situation is potentially unsafe. Even though he's probably a perfectly nice man - you can't be sure^ so the risk is absolutely not to be taken. And sleeping in the same bed as a woman she barely knows is inappropriate too.

Fair enough for your dd to sleep in the bed with her dad, but not also with a woman with whom he's having a sexual relationship (not saying they're having sex with your dd there but still).

ladykale · 10/03/2023 22:23

Shamdyhandy · 10/03/2023 22:14

I don't think he's a predator or anything

why? Why don’t you think this. You should always think this as a first thought were young children are involved

I hate when people say this.

Predators and paedos don't have it tattooed to their foreheads!

webster1987 · 10/03/2023 22:29

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/03/2023 22:11

I would suggest putting a bolt on the inside of her door. A 9 year old shouldn't be sharing with her dad and even less so with his girlfriend. The lodger doesn't sound great either as an unknown male.

If your daughter isn't happy with having a lock, or your ex won't get one put on, she shouldn't stay there overnight unless lodger leaves and she stays in her own bed.

This scenario is asking for trouble

I would strongly advise against this for other safety reasons. If there were a fire for example, no one could get in to get her

PennyRa · 10/03/2023 22:32

Unless she poses a threat with previous convictions the sleeping arrangements are his choice. You can't change that, especially when you're child wants it

Worriedprimarymum · 10/03/2023 22:41

Shamdyhandy · 10/03/2023 22:14

I don't think he's a predator or anything

why? Why don’t you think this. You should always think this as a first thought were young children are involved

Quite right. Due to family member’s professional experience wrt child abuse cases, we would always recommend acting on the side of caution when it comes to unknown males having access to children.

poetryandwine · 10/03/2023 22:46

OP,

I don’t like this arrangement any more than anyone else does. It is wrong for several reasons.

But given that this contact arrangement is court ordered, you need expert advice. Can you afford to take the information you’ve presented here, about the sleeping situation and the tenant, to a solicitor? That would be best. If not I would at least take it to CAB. They can advise about whether SS is the right move. Best wishes

Astrak · 10/03/2023 22:50

Raise your concerns with child's father. Ask him to stop the dangerous/inappropriate behaviour immediately and explain why. If he won't/doesnt, refuse to let your daughter go there again and have the matter referred back to the Family Court.

Aintnosupermum · 10/03/2023 22:51

It’s alarming. I would speak to the safeguarding officer at school and ask them how to report it. I would have school aware because if she is scared that can be traumatic for some children and really affect them.

Id consider getting legal help for how to document.

whattodo22222 · 10/03/2023 23:01

Goodread1 · 10/03/2023 21:54

Hi Op
Of course it's inappropriate for your daughter to sharing a bed with her father and his new girlfriend,

I was just thinking 🤔 so you daughter is not scared sleeping in her own bedroom at her dad's house, could you or her dad,

take your daughter to vist either a toys shop, or anywhere else that sells soft toys like supermarkets, Tescos,

They also sell soft toys 🧸 on the Internet aswell,
Your daughter could choose soft toys and buy choose favorite 🪆 dolls, could be fabric floppy doll or another type of doll,

She could surround her bed at her dad's house with her favourite soft toys and dolls 🪆
So it's one of their favourite place, her bedroom too,

Just using child psychology also what about taking daughter to buy bedtime stories books to read 📚 at good book shop, too
there are some good books stores on Internet to buy from too Op,

Can you have a chat with him about this?

Or
Is it better just to go to the shops or on Internet and just buy soft toys dolls 🪆 books 📚 with daughter, and she just take them to her dads house?
What do you think Op@damagelina ?

How would all these soft toys help? It sounds like OP's daughter is scared because of this older male tenant in the house. And quite rightly so, I'd not trust strange men in the same house as my young daughter at night time.

Amyc24 · 10/03/2023 23:01

Red flags all over OP

Gymnopedie · 10/03/2023 23:06

Stop the overnights and tell him you're taking it back to court for review.

This shouldn't be happening - any of it.

threeplusmum · 10/03/2023 23:08

This situation is asking for trouble imo.

ilovemyspace · 10/03/2023 23:20

Your daughter isn't happy. You're not happy. You should stop overnight stays at her fathers - it isn't acceptable at all if a 9 year-old child is frightened and has to share a bed with her father, And even less acceptable if her father has his girlfriend in the same bed.
Even if this is court ordered, what is going to happen if you stop overnight visits, Is your ex going to take you to court? Because if he does, he doesn't have a leg to stand on in view of the fact that his daughter is frightened on overnight visits and has to share a bed with him - not to mention his girlfriend, No court will uphold his right to overnight visits under such circumstances.
Your daughter is 9 - please be on her side xx

Womblemumma · 10/03/2023 23:29

Tell him this will not happen again or you’ll stop the overnights, go to court if you have to. This is not ok. Seriously not ok.

HalliwellManor · 10/03/2023 23:37

I don't see an issue her sharing a bed with her dad,but another woman?,NO way!.
I work nights and my ex (DD10 father) sometimes stays here with her and they always share my bed,she has her own room and bed but chooses to sleep next to her dad,she's done it for years and she refuses to sleep in her own bed when her dad is here.

Saschka · 10/03/2023 23:40

Why can’t the girlfriend sleep in the same room? (Or obviously in her own house, if they have only been dating for a couple of weeks).

Honestly your Ex isn’t putting his daughter first here. Sharing a bed because she is scared is one thing (given she had a bed of her own if she chooses to sleep in it). But bringing his new girlfriend into bed with them too is just weird and grim.

Saschka · 10/03/2023 23:40

Spare room, not same room!

Lavender14 · 10/03/2023 23:42

How reasonable is your ex to deal with? Could you sit down with him and say you're concerned about dd expressing that she feels scared and uncomfortable staying overnight due to the tenant and while you understand he wants to spend that time with her it might be best that there are no more overnights until he is set up with his own place where she will feel more comfortable. I'd tell him that while you understand there might be nothing untoward about the tenant, you still feel its important to honour your dds feelings as you want her to know that if she tells either of you that she feels unsafe/uncomfortable that you'll act on it and take her seriously. And as she's getting older and reaching puberty the bedsharing would need to come to a natural end anyway. Id then try and discuss what changes you need to make around how you split time with her so she doesn't feel she's losing out on time with her dad and can you share responsibility for transporting her if she goes there and comes back before bed? I think you're absolutely right on this and you want her to learn that it's good to trust her gut instinct and that you listen.

Moser85 · 10/03/2023 23:43

No way on this earth would I let that happen.

I'm in Ireland so rules might be different, but I had an issue with my ex and sleeping arrangements for the kids. Access wasn't court ordered.
I phoned an organisation for single parents in Ireland and they told me I could get a court order specific to the issue in question (I didn't need to in the end)....so having court ordered access doesn't necessarily mean your ex can choose inappropriate ones. I would imagine the law is on your side here.

Even the fact that the girlfriend thinks this is ok would make me not want her around my kids. Clearly an oddball.

toddlermumx · 10/03/2023 23:44

He only see's his daughter EOW so there's no reason the girlfriend even needs to be there in the first place, let alone sharing a bed! Disgraceful, he should be spending some quality time with his daughter not having his latest fling around her

Novatherova · 10/03/2023 23:56

A 9 year old shouldn't have to have a dead bolt on her door in her own home.

Novatherova · 10/03/2023 23:57

Gymnopedie · 10/03/2023 23:06

Stop the overnights and tell him you're taking it back to court for review.

This shouldn't be happening - any of it.

This