AIBU to think that having a child inevitably spoils your marriage/relationship?

[ShangriLaLaLaLa]

I'm in my 30s and have always been chronically on the fence about having children. Been with DH 12 years and we are very happy, lucky enough to have a lovely life, great careers, lots of holidays, meals out, etc etc.

I have come to realise that a major reason for my fence sitting has been my parents. They had a life of fun, parties etc (or so it seemed) before having me when my mum was 37. My mum threw herself into motherhood, it was her life's ambition, she was a fantastic mother. But her relationship with my dad suffered as a result and especially in my teens in hindsight it was a bit me & her vs him.

I've realised that, subconsciously, I've always felt that to have children you have to sacrifice a degree of happiness in your relationship with your partner. And - given I don't know my potential child(ren) - it's felt like an impossible decision to give up how good things are with DH in exchange for that?

I see a mix with some friends marriages suffering a fair bit after kids but some less so.

Can anyone relate or has my upbringing really coloured this for me? AIBU to think you can't have a fully happy marriage/relationship with children?

Can genuinely say for us it just deepened the love and respect we already shared for each other. Watching him become a dad made me fall in love with him in a far more amazing way than ever before, and he says the same about how he felt seeing me become a mum.
We are 15 years in, 2 children (12 and 10). We never really left the honeymoon stage. We still can't keep our hands off each other, always a cheeky cuddle or snog at every given chance, very much still sickeningly couply regardless of being parents.
I think it is what you both make of it. Make the time for each other, and on the nights you're both knackered make sure the last thing you say to each other is to acknowledge something you've appreciated about your partner that day. That's how we made time for each other on the really crazy baby days, we just made sure we each felt seen, fancied and appreciated by the other.
So to answer your question I think YABU and would say don't be so hasty to leap to a conclusion just yet. Nothing is more attractive than seeing your hubby be a great parent to his children.

I agree with this. I was so much in love with my ex, but once we had a child, I was so much in love with the child, not him any longer 🤷‍♀️

@Inkypot @Mississippi6 thanks, your two posts next to each other have exactly crystallised (part of) my dilemma.

You're introducing a third human into your relationship which competes for your love. And I guess the impact that has on your marriage/relationship could be really good or really bad.

How anyone makes this decision I have absolutely no idea. It just seems such an enormous gamble either way, and that's before you even factor in elements such as disability or ill health!

I agree with above, but you have no way of knowing what will each of person turn out like. Unfortunately there are work pressures, money issues and also women tend to bear most of housework and childcare. Also, in my sad case, we didn’t agree on anything when it came to our child, things such as schools, childcare, friends, holidays etc. It is hard to predict all these things in advance. We didn’t discuss any of these beforehand but even if we did, he has changed big time since we were child-free.
Males still expect you to do most of childcare and housework (and it’s usually at expense of your career) but still to pay half for everything etc. As a woman, you almost always find yourself in a bad situation. Of course, not all males are like that, but you have no way of knowing. People change with time (and especially so if under pressure)

Absolute nonsense. Of course having children doesn't necessarily wreck a relationship/ marriage. It CHANGES it of course, and in some cases will even make it better.

In other cases it can be the beginning of the end of the relationship - especially if the man doesn't do his share, and the woman finds she is doing everything in the house/for the baby/getting up through the night etc. OR if the man gets resentful of the attention the woman is giving their baby.

But in most cases, the marriages carries on pretty much as before.

Plenty of relationships fuck up without having any children involved, and plenty stay strong, and are even stronger with children. Having children does not automatically equal a relationship crashing and burning.

@Mississippi6 interesting post! I think what I realise and notice in general people don't change those red flags were their all along. You just didn't realise because 2 single people dating and in my case not living together is quite different from living together as a family unit.

Yes, you are probably right, I met a psycho 🙈 (Love is blind, indeed)

Not males, your partner

Before kids we discussed

Childminder Vs nursery
Bf Vs FF
State Vs private school
Part time Vs full time work
Time off for sick kids

My husband does 80% of the cooking and mostly takes care of the kitchen, we split the washing and he Hoover's while I deal with the rest of the housework and laundry. I work 4 days soon to drop to 3 for practical reasons while he works 5. He outearn me about 20% full time equivalent so roughly double my part time wage once I drop hours. Which is irrelevant really as we have a joint account everything is pooled in and have since WAY before kids and both have at times been the higher earner. Family money is family money.

We still fall out over night wake ups and other day to day responsibilities, more when they were newborns and in their first year. We miss out on a lot of time together but we keep trying to find some time together each day.

We're always on the back foot, our kids are often sick this year as are most people's I think, our eldest has a health condition and youngest still breastfeeding. So it's a lot but it's not males who are shirking responsibility and not doing their part, it's your partner.

How we made the decision was we both wanted kids, we both had reason to suspect we'd struggle in that dept so we'd thought about it prior even to meeting. It was just a matter of practicalities and when.

You don't have to have kids, if you're happy and fulfilled and it just seems like work and hassle, you can just not. You can enjoy your marriage and the childfree life and have a grand old time.

Both perfectly valid choices, don't worry about why anyone else is doing, discuss your relationship and plans with your partner and do what feels right. Every big choice is hard.

@Forgooodnesssakenow your partner sounds like my husband- he also does the lion's share of the housework, cooks dinner every night, does the dishes and laundry, ironing etc. He works full time 5 days a week and still makes time to share the school run (perk of wfh)
You are correct, it not "men" it's some people's partners. There are many, many amazing dads and husbands out there and it's ridiculous that so many women have such low expectations of their partner.

Having children does test a relationship, but so do other things.

one thing that is a big test, for example, is infertility/fertility treatment.

I don’t really know what to say to the “another person in your home” question. It’s your child, not a random house guest, and it’s their home, it doesn’t feel weird at all.

Before kids dh and I had an amazing relationship, loads of sex, holidays, trips , we were best friends and had the best time together. Fast forward 15 years and we have a child with Sen and an unruly dog. We are both tired all the time , life is very full on and the only break we get is an hours tv after lo is in bed or the occasional night out. We are closer /stronger than ever as a couple as we have been through the mill and survived. But we are not happy how we were before kids.

one thing that is a big test, for example, is infertility/fertility treatment.

This is true, some relationships don’t survive if it turns out having children together is not possible. Especially if having children was a primary reason for being in the relationship. Some do however and become stronger. Just like having children.

I think it depends on whether your partner wants to/is able to change/adapt/grow and commit to the family.
I also think it depends on whether you are the sort of person who will take the higher load to keep things running smoothly.

Unfortunately my partner was too selfish for this. He has always put himself first and continues to.

The fact is though that imo a relationship will fizzle regardless of children if you can't grow and grow up together.

For me, once I had my first child, I was so overwhelmed with love for them, and I realised that it was a million times stronger than anything I could ever feel for a partner.

When we had DC1 it felt like our lives were turned upside down and suddenly our roles had changed very dramatically from two independent people to “mummy and daddy”. I’m not sure we were ready and there was a lot of resentment on my side and I don’t think my DH could understand how I felt or what I needed.

However roll on DC2 and we’d found ways of working as a team and it feels like we understand each other a lot more and give each other more grace. I’m not sure we’d have reached that point in our relationship if we’d not had kids. Plus we feels so happy looking at our little family. It feels like we’ve done something special.

Even if you don’t have kids there will be life events that test you as a couple and shine a spotlight on your relationship. Avoiding having kids will not protect you from difficult life events or decisions or relationship tests. It’s more a case of asking yourself if you really want kids, there is no right or wrong decision.

❤️ Same here! I wasn’t treated nice any longer but I didn’t really care as there was a little person I loved million times more than my partner anyway.