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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that having a child inevitably spoils your marriage/relationship?

142 replies

ShangriLaLaLaLa · 10/03/2023 13:27

I'm in my 30s and have always been chronically on the fence about having children. Been with DH 12 years and we are very happy, lucky enough to have a lovely life, great careers, lots of holidays, meals out, etc etc.

I have come to realise that a major reason for my fence sitting has been my parents. They had a life of fun, parties etc (or so it seemed) before having me when my mum was 37. My mum threw herself into motherhood, it was her life's ambition, she was a fantastic mother. But her relationship with my dad suffered as a result and especially in my teens in hindsight it was a bit me & her vs him.

I've realised that, subconsciously, I've always felt that to have children you have to sacrifice a degree of happiness in your relationship with your partner. And - given I don't know my potential child(ren) - it's felt like an impossible decision to give up how good things are with DH in exchange for that?

I see a mix with some friends marriages suffering a fair bit after kids but some less so.

Can anyone relate or has my upbringing really coloured this for me? AIBU to think you can't have a fully happy marriage/relationship with children?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 10/03/2023 13:36

I don't think I'd like to still be the person I was or dh was before having kids. We were both quite selfish and I focused way too much on meeting dh needs and not my own. I was also much less resilient before kids. Its been bumpy but has chnaged us both for the better.
Really depends what kind of lifestyle you want. My friends who only had one child and have lots of family support have not really changed their lifestyles that much

Goodread1 · 10/03/2023 13:39

Hi Op
I don't think it's necessary means the beginning of endless struggle to be a contented couple,

You Need to ensure you have enough support in various ways,

Also you need to make conscious effort work in progress on your relationship, so you don't get into a rut taking each other for granted,

Such as having date nights or also in daytimes if more convenient, possible, but also having your own identity as that's all too easily to lose that amongst the mundanes of life doing house wife,
So Need to have sometimes catch up coffee at a cafe with a friends,

Also make time yourself such as having Holistic therapies sessions pamper sessions on your own or with friends,

trevthecat · 10/03/2023 13:39

We have 3 kids. Youngest is now 5. Our relationship has never been stronger. Having supportive and helpful parents has helped so we have time away together/ date nights often. Wouldn't change anything

Hostofgoldendaffodils · 10/03/2023 13:41

Having children has been great for our marriage actually. Much happier now and have a much better relationship with dh.

GoodVibesHere · 10/03/2023 13:42

You'll get a wide variety of responses because it's so personal depending on many factors e.g. parenting style and also how the children are in nature as some are 'easier' to parent than others.

My DC are teens now, and sometimes it feels very much me and the girls are separate to DH as we can't always connect to him which I know sounds awful. It was also very very tough on us as a couple when they were babies/toddlers. We both pulled our weight but fuck me it was hard.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/03/2023 13:43

Depends on the relationship tbh but YANBU.

AnotherEmma · 10/03/2023 13:43

DH and have found that our relationship has suffered due to the challenges of having young children (they are 2 & 6 now) but we have worked on our relationship and I feel that if we can survive this, we can survive anything Grin
I'm afraid I don't feel the same about him any more, for various reasons, but I do still love him and want to make it work.

I think YABU to assume that all couples will find that their relationship will suffer after having children - it's probably true that most do but I also know couples who are still in happy, healthy relationships after having children.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 10/03/2023 13:43

Having kids made our relationship stronger. My kids are not "easy" either.

I think all depends if you really like your partner/husband enough.

MargaritMargo · 10/03/2023 13:45

Oh 100%.
of course it doesn’t always happen and it doesn’t always lead to a relationship breakdown.

But it’s really fucking hard having kids, it’s enough to break the strongest relationships. You have to work so hard to keep things going.

It’s not uncommon nor unusual.

museumum · 10/03/2023 13:46

personally for us the key has been equal parenting. I never ever wanted to be “mum & kids” living one life and dh a different one. I could never do the commuter belt life for that reason.
dh and I both work and shared pick ups etc. I did go PT in the baby years and obviously had maternity leave but dh still did loads of parenting, nursery runs etc on my work days. We both parent equally and both work and so we have loads in common, no niggles about who “has it easier”.
yes, we’d ideally like to spend more “couple” time together but we’re still strong and parenting has if anything made us stronger.

Cornelious2011 · 10/03/2023 13:47

I think my relationship with dh is better since having dc. Dc brings us so much joy and laughter to the house, which dh and I love to join in with. The early years can be tricky due to the adjustment and tiredness though.

Aftjbtibg · 10/03/2023 13:47

Our relationship has certainly suffered through having children and the resentments have built; however I have also fallen in love with DH in a different way seeing how he is as a dad and how we’ve coped with things that have happened. I think you need to find a way to stay connected and then hopefully that connection is still there when the kids are grown.
I also know that if we hadn’t had children I would have been unhappy in myself which inevitably impacts a relationship.

HeadNorth · 10/03/2023 13:50

The early years are tough on your relationship, no doubt about that. But my goodness, the long term rewards. One of the wonderful things about my long marriage is the shared pride, love and care for our adult children. It has undoubtedly strengthened and added depth to our relationship.

Xrays · 10/03/2023 13:51

Well of course it changes you and the dynamic of the relationship, how could it not? But that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing. For us (dd aged 20 and Ds aged 11) the key thing was doing everything we wanted to do before having kids and then accepting life would be stressful and hectic for a while! But we both love the dc and love being the family we are and wouldn’t change anything.

Snoopystick · 10/03/2023 13:51

I’d only been with my partner for 3 months when I got pregnant 🥴 but 18 years later and we’re still going strong. Having kids isn’t always easy of course but there is nothing better than all the firsts they have and all those incredibly proud moments you have and can share together.

maddy68 · 10/03/2023 13:52

It definitely changes it. You are parents and that child now comes first every decision is about them it's not always easy

Simonjt · 10/03/2023 13:53

Not always, we have two children, ones a toddler. We still see friends, have nights out, do our own thing, we just have to be more organised. Seeing my husband become a dad made me love him even more.

I think some people choose not to prioritise their relationship, such as people with a five year old who has never had a night out in those five years etc. Few parents don’t have the option.

pinksheetss · 10/03/2023 13:55

My relationship has only grown since the birth of our daughter last year, we seem to be in the best place we have been

Add in two kids and maybe that would change but right now things are going great and we have great support and really value our time together

KimberleyClark · 10/03/2023 13:55

There’s no doubt it does change the dynamic of your relationship. From the moment you have a child you are parents first and a couple second. Relationship satisfaction does seem to be at its lowest just after the birth of a child. DH and I couldn’t have children but we are happy together, have been for 32 years. I think he would have been a great dad but I can never know for sure can I?

Fabled · 10/03/2023 13:57

It had been the complete opposite for me and DH. The initial ‘baby homb’ with our first child was quite a shock and disruption to our lives, but we got the hang of things, had another child, and after 23 years together, with teen kids, we are happier than ever.

Sharing our children and the joys and sorrows and stresses of bringing them up has brought us closer. I also love my DH even more for the wonderful father he is. It’s brought more depth to our love for each other.

Yes, our lifestyles changed a lot when the kids were younger (starting to get more freedoms now they’re growing up), but our relationship hasn’t suffered at all. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

MatildaTheCat · 10/03/2023 13:59

In the early years it can be tough but if you’ve really discussed parenting beforehand and you do share the load you’ll be fine. I was always very mindful that one day the DC would grow up and it would just be us again.

In fact that happened far more quickly than seems possible and we’ve been empty nesters for a decade and we are much closer because of the bond of the family.

Your family dynamic sounds as if it was a bit unhealthy but since you can see that I’m sure you’ll navigate that risk.

Xrays · 10/03/2023 14:00

Someone once said to me having a baby is like throwing a grenade into the relationship and whether you survive it or not depends on how you can work together as a team.

ErinAoife · 10/03/2023 14:00

I agreed. Having kids put a strain on a relationship. My ex husband told me when he left that despise he loves the kids and never wanted having them and that I forced them on him. That was the first I heard about it. In fact he did not like family life as he could not do everything he wanted. He has now a new partner who has 3 kids but he doesn't live with her. Only see her st weekend and she lives 400 miles away. He is seeing more of his girlfriend's kids than his own, he refused 50 50 because it means he couldn't do his hobbies if he had then more than every second weekend. He will not take the kids more than 2 weeks in holiday. Sorry for rant.

Lottapianos · 10/03/2023 14:00

'You'll get a wide variety of responses because it's so personal depending on many factors'

Totally agree. No one can tell you how it's going to be for you and your partner. Everyone's experience is different

OP, like you, I was MASSIVELY on the fence about having kids for many years. My parents have a truly awful relationship and that was definitely a huge factor in my ambivalence. Ultimately, we decided (for many reasons) not to have children, so it's just us. I really value being able to make each other a priority, having plenty of time and money to spend together, being able to take care of each other and plan our lives without having to consider anyone else

Well done for giving very serious thought to whether children are the right choice for you. Lots of people just go for it with both eyes shut, and some do regret their decision

BCxx · 10/03/2023 14:02

I think what you’re saying is definitely the case in some relationships and obviously does happen but not in all cases. In my relationship having a baby has added a whole new level to it, in a good way though. I do know lots of older couples though who don’t have children, one in particular is due to not being able to conceive but they’re one of the happiest looking couples I know. At my own wedding I noticed them and another couple (who also don’t have kids) were the first ones up dancing and just seemed to be having the best time with each other all night. I don’t know if that has something to do with not having kids and having time to prioritise their relationship but it was really sweet to see.

I think by not having kids though you do miss out on some things. The moment I saw my little boy for the first time was the best moment of my life. My husband was crying and even just seeing him holding this tiny baby just sort of opened up a whole new world. We’ve been really lucky that he is an extremely good sleeper and always has been. I think lack of sleep with young children must add a lot of stress to a relationship but we genuinely have never had that. He has slept all night every night since about 10 weeks old and doesn’t get up really early either. You just hear horror stories sometimes but it can be amazing too!

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