AIBU to think that having a child inevitably spoils your marriage/relationship?

[ShangriLaLaLaLa]

I'm in my 30s and have always been chronically on the fence about having children. Been with DH 12 years and we are very happy, lucky enough to have a lovely life, great careers, lots of holidays, meals out, etc etc.

I have come to realise that a major reason for my fence sitting has been my parents. They had a life of fun, parties etc (or so it seemed) before having me when my mum was 37. My mum threw herself into motherhood, it was her life's ambition, she was a fantastic mother. But her relationship with my dad suffered as a result and especially in my teens in hindsight it was a bit me & her vs him.

I've realised that, subconsciously, I've always felt that to have children you have to sacrifice a degree of happiness in your relationship with your partner. And - given I don't know my potential child(ren) - it's felt like an impossible decision to give up how good things are with DH in exchange for that?

I see a mix with some friends marriages suffering a fair bit after kids but some less so.

Can anyone relate or has my upbringing really coloured this for me? AIBU to think you can't have a fully happy marriage/relationship with children?

So do mine after 60 years of marriage. They have a great time together and my dad in particular has always been an amazing dad. His gc call him super grandad and his ggs adores him. At 81 he is still very much hands on. Dm always said she had children for him, not that she was/is a bad mum but she feels she missed out on a career because of having children.

For me things eased significantly after the kids were at school.

So true! I used to revolve around dh and his needs without really realising it. We lived in his country and in the beginning I didn't speak the language. When we had dc he just carried on as before!

Its a personal journey and not everyone will have the same experiences!! Having children is hard work. As babies unless everything is done 50/50 you will be resentful that your shouldering most of the responsibility after just getting them earthside all by yourself too. As toddlers you will more than likely have different parenting styles which can lead to friction. Pre teens and early teenage years is the same. Unless on the same page there will be problems. With all that being said you will look at your husband as he holds your baby, reads your toddler a story or does something nice for your preteen and your heart will soar. You will remember exactly what you fell in love with them even if they are an arse who leaves all the shitty stuff to you deal with lol Ultimately I think very few people regret having a family in the end

I think it can certainly test your relationship. For us it was the chronic sleep deprivation. It kind of takes over for a while and you don't feel like the same person (well for us). We were snappy, tired, irritable.

But on the flip side, seeing my DH being an amazing dad is so attractive and makes me love him so much

We now have a little someone we both adore and can have adventures with too so that makes the relationship strong I think.

Awww so lovely to hear! Maybe having kids with good men is the secret trick to a happy post-kids relationship. 😃 My dad sounds very similar to yours. He's great fun, but also the epitome of a family man who would literally do anything for my mum and his kids/grandkids. My mum is also great, but less maternal than my dad. 😂

Nothing is any trouble for him when it comes to his family. From small things like pop out to the shop any time of night if my mum said she fancied a snack to big things like the time ai called him up (from UK) to cry to him that my husband was an arse and he immediately got in his car and drove (from Germany) to help me and my daughter leave him. He's truly amazing 🤩

Again we have grown closer since having DD
However we had been through the rough before she came into the world- seeing your other half in ITU for a couple of weeks brings the little things into perspective
We also have both sets of parents who have been married for 30 plus years each with 3 kids and all that it brings- giving us advice.
Our DD is a toddler- so we take half days off work when she is in nursery to prioritise us, have date evenings at home weekly and every other month she has a night away. All of this helps to keep us grounded. If we are starting to bicker we realise we haven't spent enough time prioritising connecting with each other and go back to basics.... we also keep accountable with other couples going through similar which helps massively. But seeing DH interacting, and DD loving her dad so much makes it all worth it

Children always change things, but not necessarily for the worse.

I do see where you’re coming from, and I think it’s a very good viewpoint some could / should consider also.

I couldn’t wait to not be out every weekend, to sit on the sofa contently having a cool glass of wine with DH while they slept upstairs. I will admit it’s not always like this, sometimes we have friends over or we are too tired and chill out (or go out and have a babysitter over).

it is what you make it, I wouldn’t want to be who I was before, and I love every minute even if I’m inside for the tenth weekend seeing them grow, develop, laugh, learn something new, find their own opinions and hopefully turn out to be decent people.

YABU - of course you can be happy having kids, BUT not everyone will be. Some people have been very honest on MN threads saying they regret becoming a parent.

Anyone chronically on the fence about having children - IMO, should not have children.

Parenting should be something you really, really, wholeheartedly want to do.

Not for me. I’m pregnant with our fifth and I think our relationship has become better and stronger with each one. He is such a good dad and partner. We have a lot of mutual appreciation for the work each puts in and he’s still my best friend. I know that sounds maudlin but it’s the facts.

It's relentless having kids, especially if you don't have much family support and they have SEN. I wouldn't say our relationship is worse for it, overall we have just as good a connection, probably even deeper, but we barely get any time together anymore. When we do it tends to be right at the end of the day when we are exhausted.

But I think if you have 1 child, no SEN, and family support, it won't change your lifestyle/the demands in your time that much once the early years are over. So it depends.

I think it's pretty weird to assume having kids would have a negative effect on ALL couples. Just very very egocentric thinking there OP. One thing successful parenting does do is help one develop an understanding that your experience is not the same as everyone else's.

Obviously there's some truth to what you are saying but there's so many factors OP. Do you not see any positives?

Excellent saying.

I think its not the children ultimately though because the tough stages whatever that may have been for you weening, sleepless nights or the teen stages many people make it work.

Children are not the problem per say and there is no guarantee you will remain with that person even if you are both childless. It's all a risk.

I think it depends on how supportive your partner is, and if you both want children, then it may even male it stronger. But if you're both happy with yoir current life, go out a lot, socialise, are quite independent etc and especially if one person (usually the man) isn't pulling their weight, I think it will ruin it.

When my DC was about 1 or 2 months old, it suddenly dawned on me why people divorce after having kids.

Both you and your relationship evolve when you have children. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. The only thing I don't have that I had before children is the freedom to drop everything and go for a holiday or night out - I don't want that anyway, I was an alcoholic in serious debt. I am now neither of those things so don't feel like I'm missing out in the slightest.

As an aside, if you've always been "chronically on the fence" about having children, do not have children. The early years are so hard and if you are not all in, you will probably hate it.

Initially a newborn is so exhausting that you can fall out with other of “who is more tired” etc. But 3 kids in honestly we are closer than ever. We are as one now, a family unit. When we were just married before kids we were a committed couple but definitely both two separate people. We are both less selfish and generally better people since having kids.

Hi!

In my experience having children changes your relationship. It’s hard work and I do sometimes wonder why we did it and didn’t just carry on with our relatively carefree lives where we could do what we wanted- the freedom, money etc. But here we are and tbh I think our relationship is stronger- we’re definitely a team/ partnership and have gone through a lot together ( at times it has been hard, relentless etc) and come out the other side. I’m not sure we’d have the same bond without the children.

I would be lying if I said I don’t sometimes really miss the lie ins, weeekdn breaks, money, spontaneous dinners out etc and yup those things have pretty much stopped since having children.

ps I 100% think it’s ok to just decide not to have children and enjoy each other x x. X

I love this, such a good way to mentally think about how you might "survive"

Of the couples I know well enough to know what their relationship is really like, the child free couples are the happier relationship wise. Most of the couples with kids (us included) bemoan the negative impact the strain, tiredness, worry, boredom and general grind of doing loads of stuff puts on us and our relationship. My group all have older DC now, not tots. Older is not easier!!!

I know quite a lot of childfree couples and they all have been married at least 25 years, all first marriages and all seem very happy.

About three quarters of the couples with children are divorced, some more than once. Of the ones that are still married and on first marriages I would say maybe half seem happy

I think if you have a partner that will do 50% then you both have time to keep your identity & work on your relationship. Good childcare is crucial to this too though, so you can also have a break together. You're life does completely change though so if there is anything you want to do, but haven't, I can see why people might be resentful, especially if one parent is not pulling their weight or the change hasn't affected them in the same way. Personally I love my DH more than ever, particularly the way he handles situations I don't know how, how he supports me when I'm stressed to or just being a dad.