AIBU to think that having a child inevitably spoils your marriage/relationship?

[ShangriLaLaLaLa]

I'm in my 30s and have always been chronically on the fence about having children. Been with DH 12 years and we are very happy, lucky enough to have a lovely life, great careers, lots of holidays, meals out, etc etc.

I have come to realise that a major reason for my fence sitting has been my parents. They had a life of fun, parties etc (or so it seemed) before having me when my mum was 37. My mum threw herself into motherhood, it was her life's ambition, she was a fantastic mother. But her relationship with my dad suffered as a result and especially in my teens in hindsight it was a bit me & her vs him.

I've realised that, subconsciously, I've always felt that to have children you have to sacrifice a degree of happiness in your relationship with your partner. And - given I don't know my potential child(ren) - it's felt like an impossible decision to give up how good things are with DH in exchange for that?

I see a mix with some friends marriages suffering a fair bit after kids but some less so.

Can anyone relate or has my upbringing really coloured this for me? AIBU to think you can't have a fully happy marriage/relationship with children?

"If I'm still the same man at 50 I was at 30, I've wated 20 years" - Mohammad Ali.

Whether you have kids or not, you'll change anyway as you get older. It's a compromise either way.

*wasted 20 years!

FGS Mumsnet it's 2023, get an edit button.

It's hard to avoid the fact that you will have less sex, less romance, less adventure and be able to go out a lot less after you have children. That's the case for almost all couples, unless you are multi-millionaires.

Depending on what your DH is like, having kids may or may not also trigger the dormant lazy misogynist gene which for a lot of men only really comes out when their partners have children. It's surprisingly common for men to be basically fine until they have children and then to decide they can't be arsed with any of it and expect the wife to do it all and get resentful that their "needs are not being met". Only you know how likely it is that your DH will turn into one of those men. It's not always necessarily possible to tell from their pre-child persona either and you seem to have a good relationship now but that isn't a guarantee.

That's the key swing factor really. If your DH is a decent bloke and prepared to share the load and the relationship is otherwise strong it will be tough for a few years but you will come through it. If not, not so much.

I think if you're a team with your OH and you both have desire for children, rather than it being led by one person only, you're OK with there being a change in the pace of life for several years and you approach it as a joint venture then it can be great and bring your relationship to new highs.

Where I've seen it place more of a strain on relationships is when one partner (commonly the man) kind of checks out and doesn't see it as their resposibility, or is willing for it only to have minimal effects on their life. Raising children is rewarding but exhausting, so if you genuinely support each other and hold each other up you can delight in the rewards and not completely burn out, but if it's just you who is shouldering 90% of the work it causes resentment on both sides. The parent who is fully in ends up resentful because of how much work it is, and the parent who isn't fully in ends up resentful because their partner doesn't have time/energy/brainspace for what they used to.

Me and DH chose not to have children and one of the reasons (there were a few) was that we were very happy and didn't want that to change.

Before we married a friend's mum said to us "if you want to stay as happy as you are now don't have children" and I couldn't really get that out of my mind.

Most of our friends who have children are divorced and most of them say their marriage broke down when they had children/because they had children.

If you share the load, you'll have tough times but you'll grow together.

Unfortunately, many men don't. They cast themselves in the role of grown-up manchild and expect their partner to do everything and "mother" them too. Unsurprisingly, these relationships struggle.

It's difficult to predict what your OH will be like tbh. Many unbalanced relationships are fairly equal until children come along.

How did you feel transitioning from being a couple to being a family?

For us, brilliant. It felt like there had been a DS shaped gap in our lives that we didn't know was there until it was filled. Seeing DH as a dad I fell in love with him all over again.

Like others, our lives didn't really need much adjusting. We didn't go out much pre-kids and preferred to hang out at home, and didn't have a lot of holidays or hobbies that having a kid interfered with.

However, DH is the least selfish man I know and he was all-in from the start as an equal hands on parent with me. It never felt it was all on me. Many will tell you that you can't really know what your DH will turn out to be like as a dad but I think that often, the signs can be very subtle, but they are there.

Even if it's small things like using up all the hot water for a massive bath without checking with you, knowing that you like to have a shower every night. Or using up the last of something like the last of the milk in a big bowl of cereal when he could have easily spared enough for your morning coffee. Hogging the remote /prioritising his mates over you, leaving his shoes in the hall instead of putting them on the rack right beside it, knowing that it drives you cracked... all those things point to someone who only considers others after themselves. Some men will step up when they become a father but some wont but it's a hell of a gamble.

@ItsaMetalBand Similar for us. My relationship was happy already, and has only been enhanced further by seeing my DH as such a great father, as well as great DH

I think this very much depends on your support network, if you have family & friends who show an interest in your children and are happy to babysit for then you can still have date nights etc...maybe even weekends away if you are really lucky!!

My DH's & I relationship has suffered but I think that mainly because both our families had no interest in our daughter & so therefore didn't offer to babysit etc..

Our DD is now 14 so its different now & we can go out for the odd coffee, maybe even lunch, but still even now going out in the evening or for the wknd is a no/no.

It totally depends on your situation.

For the first year or so you are tired & just getting used to everything so you don't get that craving to go out as much & plus there is the fact that you don't have as much disposable income post baby to be able to go out etc...

Yeah it changes. I always say it changes your lives ...both partner and you.we have had ups and downs when they were small but they are growing and we are good. But I think our relationship was better before kids.

No not at all. I think marriages fail after having kids because having kids tests the strength of the relationship but often it's because the people were mismatched in the first place. It sounds like your parents wanted different things, as did my parents. I made sure my dh was on the same page before we married. Was always upfront about the kind of life I wanted and luckily he wanted the same. Having kids had made us stronger and closer and we have supported each other through the tough bits.

Things changed tremendously when you have children but then you have children to love. If you want to be self-centred in your relationship and going about your pleasure and your employment and whatever then that is a choice and there is nothing wrong in that but then you miss out on the dimension of parenthood with all the stresses and trials and all the joys it brings. You have to be mad to be a parent but then most of us are mad because of the rewards.

I think marriages fail after having kids because having kids tests the strength of the relationship but often it's because the people were mismatched in the first place.

I agree. It seems random in the couples who I know - some who had a baby quicklyish (within a few years) have stayed together, other couples together for 10+ years split. And of course the reverse. It’s all a bit ‘suck it and see’ although of course there are red flags which can give you an indicator.

Same as me except our son is only 3 😭🙈. It's tough going

This is lovely to read (from a parent struggling in the earlier stages!)

Not at all, my relationship with my husband is better than ever after nearly 20 years and two kids under 10. My parents divorced too, might be worth having a bit of counselling as they're really good at helping you understand family dynamics. Having kids also helps understand societal dynamics too and how powerful they are, it makes a big difference on work and social life after kids but it's a bit different these days, for older generations it restricted women a lot more and they were trying to manage pleasing generations above i.e grandmother too.

Having our daughter has made our marriage stronger and us alot closer. We obviously put DD first but we also try make time for us & our marriage. I have a friend whos marriage has ended and fell apart since having their child. Probably depends how much effort you put into each other. Marriage needs worked at alot more when kids come along. For us it's definitely made us happier😊

For me, it absolutely would be ruinous for any relationship, and it's one of the reasons why I've always known I would never have children. I go into a relationship with one other individual. I have no desire to start adding 3rd and 4th parties to it because it so drastically alters the dynamic that it entirely ceases to be the relationship I consented to.

I also think this is a largely unacknowledged reason why so many marriages and long-term relationships break down. One party absolutely desperately wants kids, the other is ambivalent but acquiesces in order to keep their partner sweet, the one desperate for kids then can't fathom why the other isn't particularly interested in parenting or loses interest entirely in their relationship, and of course, the one who is left feeling they are into something they never really wanted cops the 'blame'. People should be more honest and strident about saying no to partners who want kids. That would undoubtedly destroy relationships in itself, but at least that would be at a point before there are kids on the scene.

Silly as this sounds I think it might be useful to share some AIBU posts with your OH as a kind of discussion starter. There are so many 'family' related issues where each person believes they're reasonable....and oftenwhenno ones unreasonable but the views don't align.
Eg if your OH wanted to go the gym 3 eves a week would that be OK. If yes do you get 3 nights? Seem fair right? But what if you feel he should want to spend weekends with you and kids...so Saturday life admin,Sunday visit to woods/beach. When do you go football? Do you think parents should ferry the kids back and forth to 'activities' or do you think cubs once a week is fine. So many unknown variables.
I do think if you're on the fence it's a no.

Having kids definitely puts pressure on your relationship. My experience was that dp and I discovered that we can stick together and treat each other well even when things are very hard, so it brought us closer together.

I think we need to stop making ppl who don't want kids feel selfish as sometimes I think if I didn't have kids I'd have more money and me and my partner could be doing more fun things like holidays days out etc and ppl that want all this they are not selfish by not wanting kids and giving up their fun lifestyles. Wouldn't ppl rather kids be born to ppl who actually want them?

Would our marriage be happier and content without children, 100 per cent, but we made the decision to have children so now we have to suck it up!

It's definitely testing. If it spoils it really comes down to the couple.

Children changed our lives but they certainly didn't ruin the marriage or in fact any part of the relationship.

I've experienced both sides.
With my ex, having a child together changed us a lot. Neither of us coped with lack of sleep at first, we argued daily, we stopped going on dates, stopped putting effort in etc. We were miserable for years and I admit, I often thought back to our child free life and wondered if we made the wrong choice.
We divorced, and I met someone lovely. We both have children from previous relationships and have made the decision to have one together as we absolutely love family life. One day a week is focused on the kids primarily and another day is focused on us as a couple. We make sure to check in with each other about how we feel, things we want to do, anything we stress about and this works really well for us. Even on bad days when the kids are really testing us and every little thing goes wrong, we tag team, work together, give each other breaks etc. And on the days when we're both not coping well, we cry together and then laugh about it together after.
So from my experience, it depends on who you have a family with.