AIBU to think that having a child inevitably spoils your marriage/relationship?

[ShangriLaLaLaLa]

I'm in my 30s and have always been chronically on the fence about having children. Been with DH 12 years and we are very happy, lucky enough to have a lovely life, great careers, lots of holidays, meals out, etc etc.

I have come to realise that a major reason for my fence sitting has been my parents. They had a life of fun, parties etc (or so it seemed) before having me when my mum was 37. My mum threw herself into motherhood, it was her life's ambition, she was a fantastic mother. But her relationship with my dad suffered as a result and especially in my teens in hindsight it was a bit me & her vs him.

I've realised that, subconsciously, I've always felt that to have children you have to sacrifice a degree of happiness in your relationship with your partner. And - given I don't know my potential child(ren) - it's felt like an impossible decision to give up how good things are with DH in exchange for that?

I see a mix with some friends marriages suffering a fair bit after kids but some less so.

Can anyone relate or has my upbringing really coloured this for me? AIBU to think you can't have a fully happy marriage/relationship with children?

Inevitably it changes your relationship, but not necessarily for the worse. Relationships change anyway over time. You can still have fun when you are parents! They’re not chained to you. And you can (shock) have fun with your kids…

It depends if you’re with the ‘right’ partner or not, I had two children with my ex and our relationship broke down after having kids; I had no access to money as was on maternity leave and he controlled everything, before I had kids I was financially independent, he wouldn’t let me go back to work either to get my independence back!
I had two more children with my new husband and our relationship is amazing - the youngest is now nearly 3 (eldest of all is 11) and we have a great life, fab days/nights out with friends who have kids or friends who don’t have kids! We have obviously sacrificed spontaneous adventures but we still have a good life and social circle!

I think our expectation of marriage has changed. Historically, a couple married in order to have children and have a family. It was an expectation both went into.
Now, there's no expectation for marriage, people get married because that are in love and want to share a life together and that life doesn't have to include kids.
There are also lots of men who go along with their partner and wife wanting kids, without any desire for them of their own.
I once read on mumsnet that some men look in kids as a their partner wanting a pet of their own.
When you start off like that, the marriage will suffer.

It's not a simple question to answer OP. If one or both of you really want DC then NOT having them, while most of your friends and family go ahead and reproduce, would potentially be worse than having them.

A lot of parents feel really exhausted in the early years, but I remember something quite poignant my childless by choice aunt said. She said how all everyone talked about was their DC and that it never gets any better, because as soon as their DC are grown up, they start talking about their GC. I look at my own parents now in their 70s and how different their lives would be if they'd never had DC. Wealthier - yes, more travel - yes, but I'm glad I've had kids and I'm glad I have watching my DC grow into adults to look forward to. I wouldn't swap the hard grind of parenting for a life without DC.

Btw meant to add that having dc can be hugely enriching too. But looking among my friends it’s the teen years that have put the most strain on relationships and of course when dc leave home it’s a very vulnerable moment too.

Having children is HARD no matter how strong your relationship is. Yes priorities do tend to change, but it’s about making time for one another and listening.

In our experience, having children together was the crowning glory of our relationship. Seeing him as a father showed me sides of him I'd never known or imagined before. When there were child problems, enduring/handling/surviving them together cemented our own bond.Then they all left home to work/ travel the world , leaving us free to do the same.

Then they gave us grandchildren. This time round; all the delights of childhood revisited, but with total freedom, no financial worries, no need to plan ahead.

It wasn't the having kids that ruined our marriage - more him shagging someone that worked for him that did that. Kids are still the single best thing I have ever done with my life.

I would say its a bit of both. Personally (even though he's a good Dad), I've always had the feeling that my DH has had the slightly better deal, didn't have to give up as much, more freedom in the early days and getting to be the novelty cause he isn't there as much, also shared interests, we have two boys. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't resented this at times which has had a negative impact. My DH words shifts and I'm freelance(partly work from home). I sometimes feel even now (boys are now 13 and nearly 16 and are quite independent), that everyone is a bit too used to me being on hand to do things. Life is getting easier for us as a couple though, we are able to nip out for a couple of hours now. We didn't have family support (well a small amount from MIL but she sadly passed away when the boys were little) and its easier for me to go out with friends in the evening and at the weekend now, before I used to have to plan weeks in advance. Probably why I dont mourn the kids being little like some women do.

On the other hand there is the shared love and pride, which I think will grow more as the boys become adult.

I would say that you need to be very assertive about your work and wellbeing for want of a better phrase early on. Its very easy to fall into the trap of being in housewife mode, even if technically you're not.

For me it threw a grenade ! I though my I really knew my ex but I really didn’t until we became parents. Your life is so fundamentally different after having kid(s) it is difficult to know how any relationship will weather it. It should be completely bonding but the early years particularly are hard on a relationship.

It certainly doesn’t have to. I would say our relationship has grown much stronger since we had children. Weirdly, particularly since having the second.

But there are couples for whom it ruins their relationship. In my experience it’s usually where the man is a man child who doesn’t really want to be a parent and resents his wife or girlfriend’s attention being diverted elsewhere.

Having kids will certainly change your relationship as there are other humans in your home that need looking after, but for us it has made our relationship better and we have become a good team.

The menopause is so much tougher…

I think you need to talk about how you will manage it. My husband has taken 8 months to look after the baby for a whole 7 hours by himself. I was quite disappointed and heard other mums who separated for the same reason

It's negatively affected every relationship I know, including mine.

But it's worth it. And it doesn't last forever. Once the kids are older you can get a lot of freedom back.

Kids are amazing, don't let your parents feelings and situations affect yours. If you want kids, do it. Personally I think meals and holidays become boring, at least they did to us after 10 years together before we had kids.

I think it changes your relationship but not ruins it. You can't do fun things spontaneously anymore as your children become your priority and things take planning. But it can strengthen your relationship in other ways. You become a family and you work together to look after and provide for that. However, if you're in your 30s and still on the fence, you're going to be used to going out and doing whatever you like, so a big change is going to affect you more negatively than if you were younger.

I don't think it's having kids per se that can alter relationships, it's the stuff that often comes as part and parcel of it, less money for adult spending, less quality time to spend , more complications with housing or holidays , sometimes illness and disabilities to deal with, school issues etc, more resentment that many women seem to be 'doing it all domestically', sex life going downhill for various reasons for some. These things aren't issues for some , very much depends on the partner, but for plenty they are .

You absolutely can have children and a happy relationship but you have to work harder to make it work IME.

I'm still happily married after 25+ years because dh does half of the boring house shite and childcare and because we've pretty much earned the same during our time together. Neither of us went part time and we both earned good salaries, which definitely helps. It means you can have weekends away and pay for good childcare and go out for dinner and stuff like that. And we agreed up front that I would not be the only one responsible for children and house admin and earning and neither would he. And we were ruthless about carving out time together, either when the children were in bed or by going out once a week. And we made sure we didn't only talk about the kids when we were out and we made sure we kept having sex and fun together.

It's especially hard in the first few years but it gets easier. In some ways the teen years are hard again as they are always up way after you and because they get themselves into all sorts of trouble so there's that to navigate too. Our children are now adults and we are happy, as are they so we've done something right.

Great question!

I guess most people of child-bearing age consider if they want kids or not at some point.

But why start this thread with this question - it was actually a comment I read on another thread by someone saying the best bit of advice they'd had before having kids with someone was "consider if you'd want them if you were on your own" (ie, the guy leaves you). And I had a realisation that, if I was single, I probably would want kids, as naive as that must sound as being a single mum is clearly hard AF. But with DH if feel like I have to weigh up happy relationship vs child. And therefore I lean more towards no, because that feels like a lot to give up.

Interesting the PP who said it's another person in your home - that's another thought I've had, I suppose it doesn’t feel strange when it's your own DC. But having someone else present all the time in your home which you previously only shared the two of you feels....strange?

How did you feel transitioning from being a couple to being a family?

Reading everyone's experiences and views is really helpful thank you

Life obviously changes significantly when you have kids. How your marriage adapts to that change, and whether it's for the better or worse, depends very much on the father IME. If your DH is the sort of man who buys into the mentality that the day his first child is born is the end of him being the centre of his own universe then you should be fine. If he is the sort of man who puts himself and his own wants first then you might well grow to resent him and rightfully so.

I can only speak for myself of course, but I think having kids brought us even closer. Our shared love for them and enjoyment of them was an extra connection that we had. He loved me even more for the mother I was, and I loved him even more for the way he was with our children. I know it sounds a bit soppy, but hey...

But we were on the same page. My DH was a hands on parent, he shared the housework and child work, and was around, unlike my friends whose partners had big jobs with long hours and business trips, or others I knew whose partners just didn't see themselves as equally responsible for their children.

So basically, it depends.

It can also depend on what sort of lifestyle you have before you have kids.

We have a very sedate lifestyle as it is. There aren't big nights out to give up. Our hobbies are both home based, and our excursions are kid friendly too.

It must naturally be harder if your free time involves wine bars and playing football with your mates in the week.

I think it can be hard if you don't have any support to spend time as a couple. But you make it work and they're not little forever.

With regards to another person in your house seeming wierd, by the time they find a voice and seem like an actual person they're already part of the furniture!

Having kids and all the work that entails was definitely one of the stress points that contributed to the end of my marriage. I love them and wouldn’t be without them but, yeah, it’s undeniable for me.

I think in inevitably changes it, but doesn't spoil it. I don't feel it did with DH and I - and not because our relationship is perfect or was before kids, it's different but not worse and probably better ultimately, I think it's given us a lot to learn together. But - caveat - we have been lucky to have not had kids who have (so far at 11 and 14 now) given us any profound challenges so far, which is not to say there haven't been some difficult things to deal with. But nothing relationship challenging, let's put it that way.

If you have a relationship based on spontaneity and loads of passionate sex then, yes, kids will probably spoil it.

Or if one or both of you thrive on routine and me-time but you end up with babies/small children that just don't sleep and have high needs, that would be enough to do in a lot of relationships.

It helps a lot to be on the same page before you embark on a family - I'm glad DH and I went on a course for soon-to-be-parents recommended by a friend that was about setting expectations and thinking about how you'll manage.