Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

[mercylews]

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

Urgh your 'friend' sound fecking awful. (And so do the others who have been 'hinting.') I know quite a few people like this unfortunately. We are not 'rich' and you sound better off financially BUT we are comfortable. No mortgage, 2 OK wages - me part time but OK wage anyway, kids left, and a nice car - 5 years old. Holiday abroad every other year. Don't squander, rarely go out (5-8 times a year,) - don't smoke, rarely buy luxuries. Some savings (very low 5 figures, like £12K.)

STILL, 2 of DH's work colleagues, one of my cousins, and one of our neighbours have hinted that we seem to be well off/doing OK for ourselves/comfortable... 'ooooh another holiday abroad....?' Well, er yeah, we work, and have done for almost 40 years, and we will go on a well-deserved holiday whenever the fuck we want to!

And each one of these 4 people in the past year or two has said how much they're struggling financially and how WE seem to be doing OK. We had YEARS of struggling financially, paying the mortgage, for house repairs, raising 2 kids, and living on the bones of our arse some years. (Poss 15-20+ years or so.)

NOW we are 'OK,' with a decent income, no mortgage, and no kids at home, and we don't want to cry if a £500 car bill comes in (as we know we'll be paying it off for 12 months!) we are NOT dishing out cash to people who think it's OK to hand out a begging bowl. Their 'lack of money' doesn't stop them smoking, going to the pub once or twice a week, buying tattoos, having a £60 a month phone contract - (one has 3 phones!) and buying shit off etsy and amazon every other week. (Clothes and stuff for the house they don't NEED.)

Sick to death of people who moan about how 'poor' they are, and assuming WE are really well off (just because we NEVER complain,) and hinting that we should give them some money/help pay their bills. Arseholes!

Oh and @mercylews I am so sorry you lost your husband. I hope you will be OK.

Kick her into touch. She is clearly hoping you are vulnerable enough for her to take advantage of.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss, mercylews

As for the "friend" - and hardly that since you've never been all that close - I have a phrase for such people: "How do you feel about behaving like this?"

Trust me, it works; you might get an "Ooooo NOOO!! I didn't mean it like that!!", but then all that's needed is a polite smile and a raised eyebrow

Some people can smell vulnerability like sharks can smell blood and regard it as an opportunity for exploitation rather than to show sympathy. When my mother was newly widowed a neighbour and friend of my uncle tapped her for money and when she needed it back he avoided her.

@mercylews

I earn well and have a business which has come about more recently and I notice the amount of family members/friends mentioning money being tight and how I must be loving having more money now etc

I always remind them I probably work double the full time hours I was before due to now owning the business and being the sole person responsible for absolutely everything and most Sundays I spend working behind the scenes.

I have also noticed how always the first one left to pay if I go out for coffee or lunch with anyone including family

Nobody ever offers anymore so I've stopped doing it which is sad but how it is

I have to also remind them that I don't get sick pay holiday pay pension contributions or any other security from employed work so have to work more to cover it all

Even my dh was oblivious to my expenses until I pointed it out.

I'm really sorry you lost your dh and I'm also really frustrated in your behalf that your friends are being so shallow.

The next time anyone mentions finances money etc maybe you could look them in the eye and say you would rather have your husband and watch them squirm.

They'll not do it again after that

WTAF?

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and what you're still going through.

I can however 100% agree with the suggestion made by @Womblemumma. This woman looking for you to buy a property so that she can live in it while paying 'mates rates' of rent is delusional at best and money-grabbing and most definitely not your friend at worst.

I'd prefer to have no friends than to have people like that in my life pretending to be my friends.

I am very sorry for your loss. I have recently inherited a 7 figure sum, and had a bad accident resulting in insurance payments (salary replacement until I retire). I strongly advise you not to discuss money at all, with anyone outside your immediate family. It is not just about jealously but security as your situation could fall into the wrong ears down the pub. I have lost many fake friends over recent circumstances. I've had all sorts of people trying to take advantage, and thinking I am too ill or busy to notice. I have a builder trying to fiddle me in the invoices at the moment, as he thinks I am pre-occupied with going to hospital for new surgery soon. Sadly, money can divide people. You have to pick your friends wisely in your circumstances, and this is for your emotional well-being. The bottom line is if you let your 'friends' borrow money or rent houses off you, they are so entitled that they would be back for more soon. They won't appreciate your gestures either as these sorts of people are never accountable for their own actions, and no amount of money is ever 'enough'. So step back, look after yourself and protect your assets. Lots of vultures out there.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, you must be devastated. A sudden death is kinder to the person who dies than a long drawn out suffering, but is absolutely brutal to those of us left behind. I send my sincere condolences.

I hope you have plenty of decent loving and supportive friends and family to help you, not just this parasitic woman.

Cruse Bereavement can be good to talk to if you need some support.

Cut the leeches from your contacts list and look after yourself, OP.

I would block her number and if you see her in person I would keep it polite acquaintance only.
if she asks why you blocked her- just be honest (because she really needs to understand why her behaviour is not on) tell her that you didn’t want to be guilted into giving money, talking about money or having suggestions on how to spend money while grieving for your husband

Which idiots do you knock around with to come up with that?

i'm sorry for your loss, drop this friend though she will continue to try and wear you down

Jeez cf springs to mind !
I am firstly so sorry for your loss 💐
friends wow I would never ever even have those thoughts let alone actually voice them to a grieving friend !!
Friends are supposed to b supportive and make u feel better not used and uncomfortable!
You need to get rid of this parasite and surround yourself with lovely genuine people .
I hope you are ok it’s still very early days since u lost your husband xx

Oh dear. I imagine she's just thinking, "I need cash and mercylews has it, it wouldn't make much difference to her and so much difference to me" rather than actually being a real Machiavelli, but it's crass at best, and downright entitled. Yes, money matters a lot more if you don't have it, but true friendship is worth more than anything.

You sound like you need friendly support and she's not the one to give it to you. She's unashamed of her grabbiness and I would ditch or distance her. Awful behaviour especially when you are grieving.
We have several properties that we rent out we haven't told anyone even close family how many we have, since buying the first two after questions about what would we do with the money, have we a will etc? Spending it on ourselves,dc and gc is the answer. Other people's money has a strange effect on some folk.

So sorry op for your loss.
Money is the root of all evil and sadly at times can truly bring out peoples true nature of greed.

It defiantly sounds like you have the wrong sort of friends we all make choices in our lives some good some not so good but that doesn't mean we are owed anything from others or owe anything to them either.

As a pp stated if ever I won the lotto or inheritance I too would keep it very quiet for this exact reason people pretending to be your next bestie with hands held out.
Although yours is different circumstances perhaps just radio silence to these money grabbers for now allow yourself the time that's needed to grieve.

Give yourself the time & space you need to grieve. Get rid of people like this 'friend', or just put them on hold for a while. Take a holiday from them, as it were. If they're good friends, they'll understand & be there when you're ready to see them again.

Wow, this is awful. You poor thing, it must feel terrible

Bin this 'friend' who was skint before your husband passed and is trying to gain on your awful loss

She is absolutely awful and I would ditch her. She is not a friend. Just phase her out.
Same for anyone else behaving in a similar fashion.
Anyone sniffing around you for money after all you have suffered is absolutely despicable in my opinion.
Get rid of anyone like that and make new friends who know nothing about the inheritance.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I wonder if you could say something like my DH made his wishes to me clear in case anything happened to him, as did I, thank you, and change the subject. Don’t answer any further questions, don’t open the door for a conversation. I’m so sorry you’re even having to think about replies… If the person insists, say you would rather respect your DH’s privacy, and try to change the subject.

Sorry if my sentences are poorly formulated, it’s not my native language.

I am so sorry that you have lost your DH and that it was so sudden. I am also so sorry that it has been made tougher to process and adjust to by the hints and comments of your 'friend'.

My Mum lost my Dad when she was in her early 50s (my Dad was mid 50s) and while outwardly she coped well (she had to, she couldn't just fall apart), some of the comments from others over time have been unbelievable.

• The first time she bought a new car - 'It didn't take long for her to start spending his money' (They'd always planned to change it)
• On her continuing to live in the house - 'He left her well set up, didn't he?'

She also got comments such as, 'He'll have left you provided for, so you won't struggle like me. I have a bill for £X and I don't know how I'm going to pay for it......', 'I remember [my Dad] saying that he wouldn't ever see me struggle, but I could do with him being here now as he would help me....'

More recently my MiL lost my FiL and she said, 'The thing is, unlike your Mum, I'm not cut out to be a widow', as if it was my Mum's life goal! My Mum has just coped and got on with it, because she doesn't think there is a choice - I know she still misses my Dad every day, but other people don't understand that at all.

My Mum put aside the faux friends, maintained the real friendships and picked up some new ones. She finished raising my brothers and she has managed her money wisely. Do the same - you need to prioritise your self and your own happiness. Grief of a partner is like carrying a backpack - it doesn't get any lighter, but you get better at carrying it.💐

Happened to me. One acquaintance actually told me that I was ‘lucky’. Another asked to borrow money from me, I declined. Both are ex acquaintances now!

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really hope that you have some lovely and supportive people around you too🌷

It would be disappointing but not surprising if people started to behave like this if you'd been left an inheritance by an older relative.... but you haven't been left any money. You were married and your husband died. You haven't been 'left' anything other than an enormous and painful hole in your life that is going to take a lot of care and time and an awful lot of ups and downs to gradually incoporate into the new life that you will lead. You will do that. You will make it. But the process is going to be longer and harder with these vampires in your life. No one should be talking to you about money. You get a trusted and independent personal financial advisor if you need help to sort anything out while you focus on your emtional wellbeing, and any time anyone wants to talk to you about money you tell them everything is sorted and there's nothing to talk about but thanks for the concern. Anyone who still wants to raise the issue of money (be that yours or their lack of) needs to go away. Now.

I really hope you are getting some real-life support. Please do not feel you have to justify yourself in term of your own earnings and independence etc. None of that matters. It's totally irrelevant. Your husband died and the only focus for you and those who love you is helping you come to terms with that. I wish you all the very best.

@mercylews

Well my first point is I feel for you. For me no amount of money could make up for me losing DH . DH & I have built up what we have between ourselves - so both of us would I think feeling if one of us died was "free money " - nonsense ( & by the way we are not rich. )

2 N=1 ie anecdotes here

1. Great friend of mine of 20 years who has genuinely supported me through thick and thin & has laughed with me and we are friends - was going through a rough patch and was worried about next rent payment - I gave her the money for it - but that was my choice to do it and she did not ask . She did not ask for it I offered and she was embarrassed but accepted it and thanked me that was it and because we are friends we have never spoken of it again. ( I suspect she is making up for it in dog treats which she brings round ) But whatever
2. A friend of mine of 30 years paid for oldest neice to go through university ( not UK so cheaper ) said niece got a very good job but didn't even bother to tell my friend when she had her first child. Friend has also paid for things things for her other niece and nephew - but says I will do it on my own terms - she is the most well off person in her family - so family not friends but I think the point stands

As others have said - a proper friend would not be hinting about money when you are going through a dreadful time. I have to say - I would cut her off.

🌷to you & best wishes

Basilisk