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Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
Isahlo · 10/03/2023 17:08

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

I’ve not read the full thread in it’s entirety as my mobile app is playing silly and I’m making tea, but Is there anyone who is having your back in this situation and some proper friends who acknowledge this is awful for you?
i can’t imagine the amount of self control you must have to be around people like this and not blow.

hope you’re giving yourself time and space for the sadness and grief you’re feeling. Lots of love.

Marinapeppina · 10/03/2023 17:10

She's targeting you OP because she sees you as vulnerable. Protect yourself. You don't need this "friend".

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/03/2023 17:12

Hawkins003 · 10/03/2023 13:19

It's a mix at Time with people, the main reason if I won the lotto or got an inheritance, or other financial means would be kept to myself and though the "business account" use that to help parents.

You what?

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 10/03/2023 17:14

Womblemumma · 10/03/2023 13:22

Block her. She is not a friend and is using your grief and vulnerability to try to get a hand out.
you deserve better than that. I’m so sorry you are going through this in your time of bereavement. 🌺

This..... She is trying to manipulate you for her crass gain... She wants to leech off you and your dramatic life. This is not a friend, this is a manipulative dependent passenger. If you confront her, she will engage in a smear campaign against you.

Distance yourself from her.

Sshiamreading · 10/03/2023 17:16

It feels to her that people think a single woman is not as entitled to nice things as a couple

This is the vibe I’ve gotten from one or two friends with kids except it’s about them thinking I as a child free woman doesn’t deserve certain things as much as their families. Despite the fact that I worked and they never they still seemed to feel entitled to my financial and emotional help, which I gave for some years but now no longer do so on the same scale. I still give some emotional support as thats part of being a friend, but no financial assistance.

OP, I don’t think is normal run of the mill behaviour. It wouldn’t be common in my social circle, I think it’s time for you to surround yourself with better people. There is zero justification for “friends” to be dropping hints like this. They sound entitled.

Americano75 · 10/03/2023 17:17

Oh no, that's not on at all. How grasping and rude! I'd been inclined to say 'I'd give away every penny if it meant I'd get my husband back' to try and shut any cheeky fuckers down. God, people.

SheilaWilcox · 10/03/2023 17:21

I'm angry on your behalf!
It must feel doubly lonely, both from losing your DH and from having people around that don't 'get' you / it.
I'm sorry for your loss.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 10/03/2023 17:24

MatildaTheCat · 10/03/2023 13:29

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your ‘friends’ sound utterly awful. Genuinely, why are you seeing the woman with the child? Your lives sound light years apart.

In general I’d have a stock phrase or two up my sleeve to cover most requests, something along the lines of, ‘Oh, Peter left it all with his accountant to deal with.’

If anyone had the nerve to suggest I was having a fun life just months after being widowed (presumably quite young) I think I’d have trouble controlling my response and any further problems would be resolved right there because there wouldn’t be any further communication.

Wishing you well.

Or how about “Peter left most of it to a charity which was close to us both, but I’ll get by”.

I agree with PPs who said dump the ‘friend’ (unless said friend is actually a relative, in which case maybe very LC is better).

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 10/03/2023 17:29

LookingOldTheseDays · 10/03/2023 14:25

I had a friend who whilst chatting to be me about my Mother's newly diagnosed terminal illness, decided to tell me how much she loved a vase of hers and she would be taking it when DM died.

I hope you told her to go fuck herself!

This reminds me of a time (some 10 years ago,) I had a friend whose mother had a muscle wasting illness. She was very poor financially, (the mother I mean, although the friend was not loaded either!) The mother had waited for 2.5 to 3 years for a decent wheelchair.

She died some 6 months after she got it, and a woman at the funeral who worked for the council - not anything to do with NHS or social services - just in council tax - said to my friend 'make sure you get that wheelchair back to where it belongs on Monday!' The funeral was Friday, and she was mithering her to get it back ASAP... on the next working day. My friend's mother was 53 years old and my friend was just 27 when she lost her. The woman was as cold as a lizard.

My friend's husband heard this and was incensed. They did NOT take the chair back... They weren't even told they needed to anyway, it was just the busybody woman at the funeral throwing her weight around! He sold the chair to a work colleague for his disabled wife, who had also been waiting several years for a decent wheelchair. He sold it to him for £100. Was worth a couple of grand. The lady used it for 3 years until she died. Then the man (my friend's husband's friend,) gave it back to the NHS.

LookingOldTheseDays · 10/03/2023 17:35

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 10/03/2023 17:29

This reminds me of a time (some 10 years ago,) I had a friend whose mother had a muscle wasting illness. She was very poor financially, (the mother I mean, although the friend was not loaded either!) The mother had waited for 2.5 to 3 years for a decent wheelchair.

She died some 6 months after she got it, and a woman at the funeral who worked for the council - not anything to do with NHS or social services - just in council tax - said to my friend 'make sure you get that wheelchair back to where it belongs on Monday!' The funeral was Friday, and she was mithering her to get it back ASAP... on the next working day. My friend's mother was 53 years old and my friend was just 27 when she lost her. The woman was as cold as a lizard.

My friend's husband heard this and was incensed. They did NOT take the chair back... They weren't even told they needed to anyway, it was just the busybody woman at the funeral throwing her weight around! He sold the chair to a work colleague for his disabled wife, who had also been waiting several years for a decent wheelchair. He sold it to him for £100. Was worth a couple of grand. The lady used it for 3 years until she died. Then the man (my friend's husband's friend,) gave it back to the NHS.

Show quote history

Wait, so he was angry with some ramdomer who happened to work for the council, so he decided not to return NHS property?

Whether the NHS chased it up or not, it should have been returned. The randomer was rude and unfeeling, but that's not an excuse.

LookingOldTheseDays · 10/03/2023 17:36

Your friend's husband doesn't come out of that looking particularly good, given that he chose to profit from the NHS property rather than return it. It doesn't matter that the £100 was less than market value - it wasn't his chair to sell.

Mochacino · 10/03/2023 17:42

Womblemumma · 10/03/2023 13:22

Block her. She is not a friend and is using your grief and vulnerability to try to get a hand out.
you deserve better than that. I’m so sorry you are going through this in your time of bereavement. 🌺

This!!

I am so sorry for your loss OP. The absolute blur that comes with grief, especially sudden grief is quite frankly blinding and anyone who is cashing in on this or alluding to any compensation for their support is an arsehole.

whumpthereitis · 10/03/2023 17:44

Sshiamreading · 10/03/2023 17:16

It feels to her that people think a single woman is not as entitled to nice things as a couple

This is the vibe I’ve gotten from one or two friends with kids except it’s about them thinking I as a child free woman doesn’t deserve certain things as much as their families. Despite the fact that I worked and they never they still seemed to feel entitled to my financial and emotional help, which I gave for some years but now no longer do so on the same scale. I still give some emotional support as thats part of being a friend, but no financial assistance.

OP, I don’t think is normal run of the mill behaviour. It wouldn’t be common in my social circle, I think it’s time for you to surround yourself with better people. There is zero justification for “friends” to be dropping hints like this. They sound entitled.

Indeed. If you haven’t got your own children to pay for, rest assured there’ll be someone who thinks that means you should pay for theirs.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 10/03/2023 17:45

She sounds like a parasite and I’m sorry you are having to deal with her. I would cut the “friendship” off asap if it were me. Xx

TonTonMacoute · 10/03/2023 17:50

Unfortunately people who are perceived as well off do attract these freeloaders.

A friend of my DH inherited a lot of money very young. He immediately attracted loads of these hangers on, and we used to be amazed at how utterly shameless they all were.

Any friend worth their salt will not want to see you taken advantage of, and will be totally supportive of you giving these chancers the brush off. It's not your responsibility to make their lives cushy just because you have more money than them.

jazzybelle · 10/03/2023 17:53

Just ignore.

londonrach · 10/03/2023 17:58

I'm sorry for your loss op. Re this so called friend do not give her a penny or tbh any time. Don't see her. Surround yourself with real friends. Can you leave London and the memories for a few months to rebuild yourself. I have amazing aunt who did just that... Two years post my uncle quick unexpected death she getting there and slowly passing on his bits to various charities. .. Grief has no time limit or any rules ..you do what helps you ...just don't surround yourself with that so called leech..I mean friend. Look after yourself...x

Frozendaquiri · 10/03/2023 18:02

Sorry for your loss OP. Just cut her out of your life, she's a leech in every way.

Jux · 10/03/2023 18:07

So sorry for your sudden, numbing loss.

And even more sorry to hear that the vultures have been gathering. Do you have a decent friend or family member who could stay with you for a week or so and protect you from the worst of them. What you really want is a big guy with a pocketful of 50 notes, who each time you alert him to one of these awful people pulls out a note and say "50 nicker and you fuck off for all, final offer, take it or leave it".

In the absence of such a one, lick your wounds, whittle out as many as you can by ignoring please of poverty etc until you feel ready and anle to take up a new interest, therefore new people who will have no idea of your background unless you choose to tell them.

🌹

Jux · 10/03/2023 18:08

pleas of poverty, honestly 🙃

Teeheebeehee · 10/03/2023 18:08

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Teeheebeehee · 10/03/2023 18:12

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pilates · 10/03/2023 18:13

I think it’s time to have a spring clean of your ‘friends’

Turtletumy · 10/03/2023 18:21

I am so sorry for your loss.
It must have been dreadful.🙁

Charlie554 · 10/03/2023 18:33

Sorry to hear about the loss of your husband . What a shock. Dreadful behaviour by so many close to you. I’m available for coffee, a walk around Tate Modern and no mention at all of “the properties”.

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