Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

[mercylews]

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

I'm sorry about your husband. Your friend and the others doing this are incredibly crass, I'd distance yourself if this is all they can think to bring conversation back to. If you don't want to dustance yourself and value their friendship next time they do this I would tell them that what they are doing is incredibly rude and also upsetting you.

Im so sorry for your loss and that this 'friend's' behaviour is so wildly inappropriate. Its only been such a short time since you lost him. I agree that 'inheritance' just doesnt feel like the right word here, it almost belittles the tragedy somehow, and gives your friend the idea that you've gained something out of this awful loss. Sounds like you need to distance yourself from her. I hope you have some less self-centered people in your life to support you, good luck.

Nothing but sympathy for you, OP. After the shock of losing someone you love, the last thing you need is so-called "friends" coming along with their tone-deaf remarks and utter selfishness.

I'm naturally a loner, so maybe it's easier for me to say this, but I'd almost certainly stop seeing this friend, on the basis of her repeated crass comments and hints. What she really deserves is for you to tell her exactly how her behaviour is coming across, but I wouldn't bother. It will only prolong the severing of ties and cause awkwardness while she squirms and tries to claw her way back in. Easier and cleaner to just fade her out.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I'm assuming she think you've got some 'windfall' like a life assurance pay out, otherwise it's the money in the marriage that was already there and the loss of a salary.

Tell the whiner who has "nothing" that "You have your child, don't you? Is that worth nothing?" Then oust her from your life.

To everyone else, shut them down with "I'm missing H too much to think about crass business matters; let's change the subject."

Or be blunt: "I find it really offensive that whenever the subject of H arises, it's entwined with how much money people think I have. That's my private business and will stay private."

Or "We made it a policy never to do business with social friends, and I plan to maintain that. Certain charities are earmarked for our assets when I'm gone."

Sorry for your loss; that must be so painful.

Cut her out of your life. She isn’t a friend. She thinks you’re vulnerable and an easy target. You don’t owe her anything: time, friendship or money.

I hope you have some people who love you and are supporting you right now.

I'm so glad that woman is not a close friend, I feared she was a close relative. Block her and tell all your real friends to keep her away from you.

So sorry for your loss.

I’d ask a close friend what they were doing with their money in such a situation because I am fairly good with money and I would offer an ear if they wanted to think through their options. That to me is normal and loving. Someone who doesn’t know you that well and is looking for a hand out from someone in your situation is very different.

I’m so sorry.

I don’t know why but there are people who seem to look for the vulnerable and try to exploit them. There are also a more upsetting (to me) set of people who are drawn to grief. It’s so unexpected and so very hard to deal with on top of everything.

Is it possible just not to interact with her? Just always be busy or on your way somewhere else not a big fight. Find people who understand and be by yourself as long as you need to.

If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA'

I'd be tempted to do the puzzled look and say "I'm only going for a long walk, surely having a child doesn't stop you doing that?

Wow! What vile people they are!

I guess you now know who your true friends are.

I think you need to be a little more blunt and when someone asks what you’re going to do with the money just say that’s an insensitive question that you’d rather not think about.

This particular ‘friend’ needs removing from your life.
If you don’t want to hurt her feelings then just slowly back away and speak and see her less until it’s becomes non existent.

If you don’t have any really friends or family then you could even think about moving and starting fresh around people who will want to be around you for you and not your money.

I've seen it so many times where people are so quick to take advantage in a bereavement. Or even the 'nice' ones who immediately speculate who's getting the house etc.

Fucking ghouls.

Me too, I've never had loads of money. However, some people are so crass to not understand that you've had a major bereavement and there's no monetary value on that

Sorry to read of your loss. You've sadly found out who your real friends and fair weather friends are, and may need to be blunt or abrupt about any conversations on money.

You need a normal human set of friends, with normal human empathy and compassion. The brass neck of it, and the complete lack of shame is embarrassing, I’m actually sat here cringing when reading this!

She sounds horrific. The poor kids having her a parent!

Wow op your friends behaviour is disgusting! Some people are so entitled! As if money could ever make up for what you have lost! You need to phase out anyone who behaves in this way, they really are not true friends!

Some people ... I was sharing a flat with a postgrad student (a bit older than me, divorced with some maintenance from that plus a bit of family money) when I got my first job out of uni - earning a princely sum of £14k, which even in the 90s was not a huge sum in London, plus I had an overdraft. My flatmate announced that henceforth I would be covering the rent for both of us. I have never been so gobsmacked in my life. Before that she'd been doing things like looking through Vogue going, 'Ooh, I like that dress, maybe you'll buy it for me - ha ha.' It may be because it was a job with a prestigious company she thought I was earning buckets but I made it clear I wasn't and even if I had been why should I suddenly pick up the tab for someone else? I basically told her to leave the flat (I'd found it so luckily it was within my power to pick and choose flatmates) and never spoke to her again. I suggest you do the same OP and am so very sorry for your bereavement.

I have no words, what a dreadful human being, I hope her kids don’t take her example of human behaviour as normal. Absolutely disgusting.

This person is not a friend. Ditch them.

Life is too precious and short to waste it with people like this. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good.

There are a couple of ghoul types posting on here, I think. Either that, or they've had a snow day off school and are bored. @Poorlittlepoorgirl is possibly the OP's friend.....

OP, please ignore those posts. Those people aren't right in the head.

She keeps talking about how great my life must be

I'm lost for words at someone having the pure cheek to say that to anyone in your situation

Personally I'd be taking a step back & ending the friendship. She sounds horrible

I’m always amazed at how entitled many people feel to other people’s money.

The handful of people siding with the friend are probably CF's just like her🙄

Op im sorry for your loss. As many others have said, true friends do not act like this. You'll be better off without the 'friend'. You don't need to be dealing with this crap right now, cut her off

@mercylews sorry for your loss.

sadly, this is why the well off only usually hang around with the well off. It is absolutely awful to think that people view you in a ‘transactional’ way, ie that by withholding your wealth you are somehow standing in the way of their happiness.

but I’d separate that from people just curious about what plans you have for houses - that’s just normal curiosity I think. There is a huge diff between this and someone constantly hinting they want some of your money.

Sorry to hear about your husband.
I hope you are not my sister as there are quite a few similarities in your situation. If you are, tell me who it is and I'll go and have words....serious words.
Some people have been very sly with my sister - trying to ascertain her financial situation by stealth. Others have been quite blatant, a couple even asking her whether she could afford to keep the house. The house was paid off before she turned 40, which was a good few years ago and it was paid off solely due to HER finances, not my dear BIL's anyway. They both worked from the age of 15 and never had a break that wasn't their annual leave. We'd give it all up to have him back at our table. But we can't, and I hope that in time she will come to appreciate the financial security they both worked for, and perhaps even enjoy it a little.