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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man fined for coke possession a few years ago

80 replies

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 03:54

I've been seeing a lovely man for a few months now & all seemed to be going great. He's not met my children but I thought this one could potentially have a long term future.
Until, as my title says, I found out that a few years ago he got a fine for cocaine possession. This has completely floored me as drugs is a big no no for me. He's never disclosed this fact to me but I know it's true as I was shown a newspaper report by someone. He shows no signs of drug taking now so maybe it's just a past mistake.
Could you get past this? Everyone has a past & has made mistakes in their lives. Most of us deserve a second chance; but I am struggling. What if he starts using again? He lives in a city where there has been drug related violence involving dealers. My imagination is working over time. He could end up using & involved with dealers in some way. I have my children to think about so any future man can't have baggage like this. Am I over reacting & running the risk of throwing a potentially good relationship away?

OP posts:
Rewind20Years · 10/03/2023 04:00

Ask him

Honesty is key to a relationship

Original poster
Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 04:06

@Rewind20Years yes I could ask him, but he's bound to say it's all in the past & was a mistake. It's whether or not I trust him not to use it again. Which no one is going to know the answer to of course. I feel like finishing it before I get too involved, even though I would be gutted and would really miss him. But am I overreacting by not giving him a chance because of a wrong choice he made a few years ago?

OP posts:
Milksheikha · 10/03/2023 04:08

Think how many people do coke and how many get caught. The police aren't really bothered with the middle class man/mum with a bit of Charlie on a night out.
Was it bad luck or was he on the radar for dealing ?

Original poster
Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 04:17

@Milksheikha I think it was just possession for himself, I don't think he was dealing. I think he'd have received a higher fine/prison if he was dealing. Maybe I'm a bit naive when it comes to drugs as it's not something I'm used to.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 10/03/2023 04:21

How old is he and how old was he when it happened?

Because I would be far more prepared to think of it as in the past and less likely to have a bearing on his current life if it happened when he was, say, 25 and he was now 35. Whereas I’d be less prepared to think that if it happened when he was 37 and he was now 40.

JRFP · 10/03/2023 04:24

Does he know that drugs would be such a no-no for you? I think if I was seriously seeing someone, knew they felt strongly about this, and had children I’d want to talk about it and bring it up myself. The fact it was in the papers is odd unless he’s a local figure, but most low level issues don’t make the paper. Does he drink?

discobrain · 10/03/2023 04:29

I would show him the news report and ask him why he wasn't honest with you.

As someone who fell prey to a man who had allegedly quit his coke habit, I would run a mile. Coke is the devil. If his story was in the paper, it won't be a piddling little amount he had.

Coke makes you nasty, moody, and violent.

Lurkingandlearning · 10/03/2023 04:31

There is another recent post from an OP who had no idea her partner had been using coke through their entire relationship without her realising. would you be able to tell if he is still using because he would almost certainly deny it

Zola1 · 10/03/2023 04:36

You need to talk to him about it. How many years ago? Maybe it was a turning point for him, or maybe not. Whats his position on drugs? Does he go out often or for particularly long stretches?
What I would say is there's someone in my family who on his record he's got 1 charge for cocaine possession, but the reality is he uses it every weekend, goes on benders and gets in fights

Original poster
Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 04:36

@NumberTheory @JRFP @discobrain he's 50 & he was mid 40's when it happened. It wasn't a big report in the paper, but just listed in the section where they list the prosecutions in court for that week. I've just read it again & it was a small fine plus unpaid community service that he received

OP posts:
BelindaBears · 10/03/2023 04:41

This is a deal breaker for me. People who knowingly participate in an industry which causes such untold misery aren’t people I can have a loving relationship with. Plus there’s nothing worse than a coke head wanging on at you for hours.

Original poster
Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 05:04

@BelindaBears I'm starting to feel the same. I think my feelings have started to lessen slightly now I know about this. I don't think I could fully trust him not to use again now I know. Oh well, better to find out now than further down the line.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 10/03/2023 05:09

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 04:36

@NumberTheory @JRFP @discobrain he's 50 & he was mid 40's when it happened. It wasn't a big report in the paper, but just listed in the section where they list the prosecutions in court for that week. I've just read it again & it was a small fine plus unpaid community service that he received

That's not a daft youthful mistake, that's a fully adult decision. It'd be a no from me.

Sockloon · 10/03/2023 05:21

Not a chance from me I'm afraid. 100% dump him and I'd normally be the one to say give him a chance but coke no way.

MissHavershamReturns · 10/03/2023 05:25

Definite red flag

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 05:27

discobrain · 10/03/2023 04:29

I would show him the news report and ask him why he wasn't honest with you.

As someone who fell prey to a man who had allegedly quit his coke habit, I would run a mile. Coke is the devil. If his story was in the paper, it won't be a piddling little amount he had.

Coke makes you nasty, moody, and violent.

This isn't him not being honest with her, unless she's explicitly asked

User15953798 · 10/03/2023 05:28

I think if he had been fairly young it would be a lot more forgivable.

<remembers misspent youth>

Jimboscott0115 · 10/03/2023 05:33

Yeah he was a middle aged man when this happened, is he likely to have changed from say 45-50? I'd personally doubt it but who knows. Either way it's a sad pathetic thing to be caught up in your mid 40s.

Ooompaloopa · 10/03/2023 05:50

If he was caught in procession mid 40s he’s been using for decades.

IME no one picks this up in their 40s.

Whats his relationship history? That will be a clue.

Also who showed you the newspaper report and why? Maybe they know more about him than they are letting on.

I would suggest that he has or had a long term deeply entrenched habit - which IME causes significant negative chronic MH issues.

I have also personal experience of 4 deaths of family / friends who died late 40s from heart attacks / suicide related to long term cocaine use. They were all ‘fit and healthy’ family men holding down jobs etc. This substance gets you much earlier than alcoholics health wise.

autienotnaughty · 10/03/2023 05:51

My dh did coke in his late teens. I said it was a deal breaker for me and he hasn't had it since. (He had only done it a few times so wasn't really bothered)

Mid forties and doing it I would not be keen. I'd still ask him and then decide based on his response though.

Beeeeeeeee · 10/03/2023 05:54

Depends if it was a historic one off, if he was young and stupid at the time, if he dabbles quite heavily now or is a once a year chap, if he is otherwise totally responsible. I would not date anyone with a regular coke habit and would feel a bit uncomfortable with someone who did coke once a year.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 10/03/2023 05:55

Is it definitely him and not just someone who shares the same name?

Beeeeeeeee · 10/03/2023 05:56

I think your first step is to have an honest discussion about drugs. Although if he is into drugs he maybe deceitful

discobrain · 10/03/2023 06:10

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 05:27

This isn't him not being honest with her, unless she's explicitly asked

Show quote history

He should have told her from the start.

Theos · 10/03/2023 06:11

if he was prosecuted for it, that means he might have already had a caution for it, because you can only have a caution for an offence once before it’s prosecuted