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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man fined for coke possession a few years ago

80 replies

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 03:54

I've been seeing a lovely man for a few months now & all seemed to be going great. He's not met my children but I thought this one could potentially have a long term future.
Until, as my title says, I found out that a few years ago he got a fine for cocaine possession. This has completely floored me as drugs is a big no no for me. He's never disclosed this fact to me but I know it's true as I was shown a newspaper report by someone. He shows no signs of drug taking now so maybe it's just a past mistake.
Could you get past this? Everyone has a past & has made mistakes in their lives. Most of us deserve a second chance; but I am struggling. What if he starts using again? He lives in a city where there has been drug related violence involving dealers. My imagination is working over time. He could end up using & involved with dealers in some way. I have my children to think about so any future man can't have baggage like this. Am I over reacting & running the risk of throwing a potentially good relationship away?

OP posts:
lazycats · 10/03/2023 08:19

If he’s stopped and everything else is otherwise good then it would be silly to dump him. You should familiarise yourself with the signs though, they’re usually not hard to spot.

Testina · 10/03/2023 08:20

“He lives in a city where there has been drug related violence involving dealers.”

Can you name me a city that doesn’t apply to?

Conviction or not, 40s cokeheads are pathetic. Would be a no from me.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 10/03/2023 08:23

Antidrug40 · 10/03/2023 04:17

@Milksheikha I think it was just possession for himself, I don't think he was dealing. I think he'd have received a higher fine/prison if he was dealing. Maybe I'm a bit naive when it comes to drugs as it's not something I'm used to.

People dont get put in Newspapers for a bit for personal use.

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 08:26

People dont get put in Newspapers for a bit * for personal use.*

They do in local newspapers. They do an 'in court this week' section.

Ooompaloopa · 10/03/2023 08:32

Whats his relationship history?

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 08:34

That would be a hard pass from me. Sorry OP.

Plirtle · 10/03/2023 08:36

And that's because 40+ men who do coke are cringemaking.

Anyone who does coke is a mug but I'd overlook it if he was 20 ish and it was a couple of times.

Muu · 10/03/2023 08:39

You said drugs are a big no-no, so this is simple. Put your children first.

MumoftwoGranofone · 10/03/2023 08:40

You’ve answered your own questions. It’s a no no for you … so sorry though it must have been nasty to find out about this.

Todaynotalways · 10/03/2023 08:40

Even as someone who had a 'misspent youth' I'd steer clear of anyone with an adult drugs conviction.

Coke is also very insidious, people can have rampant coke habits and still live and work as normal.

It's not always clear, until one day it all goes too far and they end up a greasy, stinky , mess on the sofa at 11am on a Wednesday morning when you've got to get the kids to school.

Todaynotalways · 10/03/2023 08:41

Means to say 8am... The kids should be in school by 11 😳

Pottedpalm · 10/03/2023 08:45

Did someone really show you that? Would wonder why.
or did you uncover it googling?

GoodChat · 10/03/2023 08:49

Pottedpalm · 10/03/2023 08:45

Did someone really show you that? Would wonder why.
or did you uncover it googling?

I'd guess someone had an uncomfortable feeling about him, whether that was actually the OP or somebody else.

WandaWonder · 10/03/2023 08:49

I can't work out of it was just a possession thing why it made the paper?

But I'd he can honestly say 'it was 10+ years ago, it happened I moved on and have not been anywhere near it since' and it was the truth I could get past it

It would not actually effect me or us in the modern time so unless I wanted to feel judgemental or superior then I don't see an issue

Any hint of it happening again it would be an instant no

Cosyblankets · 10/03/2023 08:51

Mid 40s?
It would be a no from me

Findyourneutralspace · 10/03/2023 08:53

In his mid 40s - no way. He didn’t just start using briefly. He’s probably been at it 20 odd years.

i would ask him though and see what he says.

quietnightmare · 10/03/2023 08:53

Hmmmmmm on his 40s unless he had some kind of mental breakdown, divorce, something horrendous then I don't think I could deal with a man in his 40s doing drugs as it's not a foolish mistake of an 18 year old who did it once on a night out and paid the price

mumda · 10/03/2023 08:54

Milksheikha · 10/03/2023 04:08

Think how many people do coke and how many get caught. The police aren't really bothered with the middle class man/mum with a bit of Charlie on a night out.
Was it bad luck or was he on the radar for dealing ?

None of the nice sane sensible people.

moonpixel · 10/03/2023 08:54

Could you get past this?

I couldn't. I wouldn't be willing to compromise myself to try and make a new man 'fit'.

If drugs are a big no no for you, stand by that. You owe it to yourself.

HareintheBluebells · 10/03/2023 08:56

Todaynotalways · 10/03/2023 08:40

Even as someone who had a 'misspent youth' I'd steer clear of anyone with an adult drugs conviction.

Coke is also very insidious, people can have rampant coke habits and still live and work as normal.

It's not always clear, until one day it all goes too far and they end up a greasy, stinky , mess on the sofa at 11am on a Wednesday morning when you've got to get the kids to school.

Yes to all of this, and I think to have a conviction he must have been doing an awful lot of coke/borderline dealing.

fatherfintanstack · 10/03/2023 09:06

I'd be massively put off but probably give him the chance to explain himself bearing in mind that as you say, he'll probably sanitise events. I'm very anti drugs such as coke mainly due to the ethical reasons but also health wise. Not good for you as you get older at all so a sign of bad decision making.

As others have said, if this was youthful idiocy I would be a lot more understanding than of a 40 something man. I wouldn't believe him if he claims a one off or similar. Your feelings are totally understandable and I'd also be strongly reconsidering this chap. For one thing it could affect future jobs, international travel etc.

2bazookas · 10/03/2023 09:06

You have to ask him in a round about way; something like " Do you ever use any fun stimulants? I've thought about it."

If it was in the past AND he's honest he'll just say something like "Tried it years ago but grew out of it " If he lies, dump.

Be aware that if he is still using coke it's very easily hidden from detection by you.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 10/03/2023 09:14

PortiasBiscuit · 10/03/2023 06:30

Well good, single men in their fifties aren’t that easy to find.. and even good men make mistakes.
Still, you do you OP!

Raise your bar Portia!

I'd rather be single than with a middle aged man doing coke. Being slightly less shit than some of his contemporaries does not make him a bargain!

StellaAndCrow · 10/03/2023 09:16

Also worth thinking could it have any professional consequences for you if he brought drugs into your house?

scoobydoo1971 · 10/03/2023 09:17

Middle aged man using coke is probably suffering financial consequences from doing so, irresponsible attitude, thrill seeking, and potentially health issues if it is long term usage. It would be a thanks, no thanks from me. If you do want to retain his attentions, please think about doing a police check on him under Clare's law. There maybe other convictions too.

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